I had a bad replapse yesterday. I woke up feeling shame, guilt, regret, anxiety. Life was going good, really good. I had quit drinking for 558 days. I felt awesome, my relationships were all in a good place, I had advanced at my job, I was traveling more ,we got a sweet little dog. Over those 558 days, occasionally I would get bored or resentful for not being able to socially drink “just 1 or 2”. I would spiral into a bad mood and “shutdown” I just didnt cope that well …but eventually those feelings would always pass. I never lashed out I just didnt have any hobbies or outlets to channel those negative thoughts. Maybe that was my problem… but i stayed sober for those 558 days And they were overall great.
It was the birthday of my significant other. We were out of town,staying at a nice hotel. We went go to the rooftop bar to celebrate for a night( i don’t go to bars or clubs at home so this was a one time thing really). I was feeling overly confident and thought to myself “why not have just one drink”. I timidly said this outloud to my SO ( i often wonder how that question made him feel, but i can only imagine, not good) So we talk about it for a few minutes and both agreed it wouldnt hurt anything since we were celebrating and out of town. “Just this once”
is what I told myself and my SO. So I drink my 2 cocktails, we had a good time and go back home the next day. This was around November '22.
Well, after that I started drinking again pretty consistently after that and have been drinking up until yesterday with no problems, except the fact that I was drinking . Yesterday I had a really bad day emotionally. I was feeling overwhelmed, sad, and angry about a situation that was temporary. So I picked up a bottle of bourbon and took 2 shots. I drank a beer at lunch while runnings errands. Drinking to cope and numb my emotions. I wanted to have a good day, LOL. Thats the alcoholic in me thinking taking shots of bourbon mid-afternoon are going to lead to a good day! Makes absolutely no sense. Anyway, I fought with my SO, said things I didnt mean, did stupid petty things. Just acting out of character. I am not a nice drunk btw- i get rude, obnoxious, loud, aggressive, impatient, unreasonable, argumentative, just terrible all the way around. Im lucky I have a loving supportive home and loved ones, because I am the worst- when i drink. After about 8 months of drinking casually. Im back. I started my clock this is day 1. I dont want to lose everything I love. I am not that person. I will stop drinking. It starts today.
Thanks for coming back. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share what happened. You know how you felt without alcohol, and now it’s a matter of regaining that freedom.
I really appreciate the language around, “you didn’t lose those days”
I have experienced very similar situations as urself and the beat up that I give myself for days, weeks, and sometimes months after is the absolute worst.
Thank you so much for sharing your story (and to everyone else’s kind words and support) and I am here with you on this path.
Sometimes I think this way “maybe one or two beers will be fine”, but I know I am just not able to stop at second beer. I know that if I start to drink, I won’t stop until I’m drunk. Because I am concious about myself not having control over drinking. I am not giving up though! And I won’t drink anything with alcohol!
I wanted to add that I have been in active alcohol addiction for over 15 years but did not acknowledge my problem with drinking until about 5 years ago. I quit once for a year in 2017/ 2018. Then anothertime for the 558 days. I want this to be my last time i ever relapse. So far 1 full day under my belt, this is day sober.
Glad you’re here @NewB and sharing your story.
It’s an important reminder to me not to take sobriety for granted. We always have to work on it, no matter how much time we have under our belt.
I made it to almost 100 days at the beginning of this year, then slowly slipt back a glass of wine home alone every now and then… endet with wine almost every night night.
I don’t want to give me that anymore.
So at my day 6 again. Feeling confident due to all this lovely here on TS.
We will rock it!
Im on day 1 again for the millioneth tome i want it to stick this time around too. Im going to a meeting tonight and im also trying to stop smoking. Thats hard too. Lets hope this time it works.
This will be 1 day sober if i wake up and dont drink in the morning. I worked a double today and just want to sleep lol. Tomorrow will be the real test for me, as ill have free time on my hands. Im feeling fairly confident . I really dont want to let you all down, myself or my family. I had a great day today without drinking. Hoping for a solid day tomorrow
I’ve been exactly where you are at. So glad you’ve made the choice to regain control of your life. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. Just take it one day at a time. Never forget the reasons you decided to quit drinking once again. Time has a cruel way of erasing the pain drinking can cause and fooling us into thinking it can bring joy and ease pain, we both know that’s a lie. You can do this.
Knowing that tomorrow is going to be difficult – are you able to fill up your free time with activities so you can keep busy?
Can you keep your alcohol out of reach (throw out if possible)? Change up routes so you are not tempted to buy more? Keep checking in here or meetings so that you can have support during your hard moments.
You are stronger than this addiction – onwards and upwards!
. Yesterday I had a really bad day emotionally. I was feeling overwhelmed, sad, and angry about a situation that was temporary. So I picked up a bottle of bourbon and took 2 shots. I drank a beer at lunch while runnings errands. Drinking to cope and numb my emotions. I wanted to have a good day, LOL. Thats the alcoholic in me thinking taking shots of bourbon mid-afternoon are going to lead to a good day! Makes absolutely no sense. Anyway, I fought with my SO, said things I didnt mean, did stupid petty things. Just acting out of character. I am not a nice drunk btw- i get rude, obnoxious, loud, aggressive, impatient, unreasonable, argumentative, just terrible all the way around. Im lucky I have a loving supportive home and loved ones, because I am the worst- when i drink. After about 8 months of drinking casually. Im back. I started my clock this is day 1. I dont want to lose everything I love. I am not that person. I will stop drinking. It starts today.
