So much here.
Your feelings are valid. Anyone going through what you’re going through would feel that. What you’re doing here is being present for yourself - and that’s self care. (Self acknowledgment; self awareness.)
None of this is selfish. It’s not selfish to want to spend time with your mom. It’s not selfish to want to be seen for what you’re going through (wanting your pain to be seen by the people who matter to you - like your mom).
There is schizophrenia on my father’s side of the family. Some really bizarre behaviour, in my paternal grandfather and in my father’s siblings. It meant when I was growing up we spent a lot of time with my mother’s siblings but almost none with my father’s. The gulfs and valleys, the divisions between people, were ripped in long before I was born.
We grow up in this emotional / relational landscape, and we spend our lives trying to make sense of it. Myself, I’ve only really started charting it over the last few years, as I’ve begun my sobriety journey.
It’s ok for family members to not be in a place where they can see what you see. It sucks, but it’s also not their fault, and it’s not necessarily required on their part. We can walk with them in their journey and be companions and family, without that.
But we do need someone who can be an insightful companion who sees us, in full, and guides us with objectivity.
There are many ways to do this: professional counselling is one way - I’m fortunate to have a health plan that includes some funding for that, and I’ve also budgeted for it out of my own pocket - but accompaniment is also available for free at many sobriety groups (like the ones listed here: Resources for our recovery). There are also support groups for survivors of violence and abuse.
I know it’s hard, and heartbreaking, and desperately lonely at times. But please don’t stop searching for what you need. You deserve to be seen in the same way you deserve to have a nutritious diet. It’s a basic human need, and a basic human right. You will find it if you keep searching.
You’re a good person and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your own self.