My older brother started abusing me after my parents got divorced. Physically and mentally from the age of 8 until he left for college. I developed anorexia at 16 and still suffer with eating disorders to this day. I left for college at 18 and a few years later my older brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and moved home as my mom is the only one who would take care of him. I have carried on with my life and career, staying away from home and living far from my mom- which is difficult. I never spoke to really anyone about what happened when I was younger. My mom a little but she gets defensive and blames it on his illness. I never got professional help. I self medicated with alcohol and tried to press down all my feelings and forgive him. But it’s all bubbling to the surface now this week without alcohol to numb it. I wish I could talk to my mom about it. But my brother is manic again and my mom is depressed and needs to lean on me so she can take care of him. It’s so difficult to not be angry and upset and remind myself that he is sick too. But that my feelings and my pain from my abuse is valid. I want to save my mom from the pain he causes but she is a mom. I’m trying to learn the difference between self care and being selfish. Of being a good daughter and a empathetic sister. Crying and feeling lost and alone. But I’m sober and I am grateful for that.
I appreciate you and your location on your past. All very valid worries. Sometimes it feels like we will never get through the pain & resentment of it. But, we do as long as we remember that it’s something we cannot change. Only working on today ensures we don’t have to go down that path again. In this world, we have groups of folks who have similar experiences. Getting involved with them helps us heal, doing this shit alone is too much, I feel. Probably more wordy than needed. Stay strong lady.
Hey Callie,
I glad you shared your trauma on here. It could be, I know it will be very beneficial for you to talk about it. This must be a big step for you sharing it on here with us. I think you would benefit from some professional help. Maybe your not in a position to get that right now. Or whatever reason you might have. And that’s ok. You are making a great choice by putting down the bottle and start feeling these horrible feelings you must have all bottled up. And that’s what happens to all of us. We start feeling what we’ve trap inside a bottle. It doesn’t always feel good. Lots of times it feels like shit. Look how far you’ve come in one week of not drinking. You’re learning about some stuff and feeling it. And you’re doing a great job putting it in perspective. I’m really not sure what to say but I think you are doing the right thing confronting this issue and beginning a better sober life for you. You matter. You matter the most in this situation. Sometimes we do have to be selfish to our sobriety and not worry about what other people think. Especially early on. Consider getting professional help if you can. What happened to you never should have happened to you. You are worth so much more and deserve happiness and freedom from the bonds of alcohol. It’s a tough situation you’ve been put in. Learning to deal with it properly and sober with guidance is a great start you are making.
Big hugs to you.
Crying is part of the healing. Let it out. Since I been sober and feeling now. I’ve done my share of crying. Even still after more than 600 days. When the crying starts for me I just embrace it and let it happen.
God bless you,
I’m glad your here.
Hi Callie and thank you for sharing your experiences and your feelings with us. It feels special to be here with you.
I want to reassure you that you are doing absolutely the right thing by becoming sober and by feeling your feelings. You are right at the start of this journey, and a lot, a lot more will come up for you, emotionally. This happened to me aswell, still is. I advise you to lean into the feelings, if you can. Don’t run from them, don’t drink on them, don’t numb them with other substances or obsessions (like food, exercise, shopping, tv…sometimes this happens for a while, and it’s ok, we can reel it in again after a bit). Also I get the wish to talk to your mother about the past (I had the same longing with my parents, it’s normal, they are our parents, no matter what happened) but it does not sound like she’s the right person for this. As she is caring for your brother and defensive, as you say. I don’t think you’d get what you’d want from her in that conversation. I would advise you to try and learn to validate your own feelings and memories. Going to 12 step groups can help in this way. There is no cross talking there. So no one will validate for you. You can share, and you will sit with your truth and get the experience that you’ll own it.
Therapy is also a wonderful thing that’s already been suggested. I hope you will think on this and maybe give it a go. I’ve been in therapy for over two years and it’s helped me so much.
I wish you all the best!
So much here.
Your feelings are valid. Anyone going through what you’re going through would feel that. What you’re doing here is being present for yourself - and that’s self care. (Self acknowledgment; self awareness.)
None of this is selfish. It’s not selfish to want to spend time with your mom. It’s not selfish to want to be seen for what you’re going through (wanting your pain to be seen by the people who matter to you - like your mom).
There is schizophrenia on my father’s side of the family. Some really bizarre behaviour, in my paternal grandfather and in my father’s siblings. It meant when I was growing up we spent a lot of time with my mother’s siblings but almost none with my father’s. The gulfs and valleys, the divisions between people, were ripped in long before I was born.
We grow up in this emotional / relational landscape, and we spend our lives trying to make sense of it. Myself, I’ve only really started charting it over the last few years, as I’ve begun my sobriety journey.
It’s ok for family members to not be in a place where they can see what you see. It sucks, but it’s also not their fault, and it’s not necessarily required on their part. We can walk with them in their journey and be companions and family, without that.
But we do need someone who can be an insightful companion who sees us, in full, and guides us with objectivity.
There are many ways to do this: professional counselling is one way - I’m fortunate to have a health plan that includes some funding for that, and I’ve also budgeted for it out of my own pocket - but accompaniment is also available for free at many sobriety groups (like the ones listed here: Resources for our recovery). There are also support groups for survivors of violence and abuse.
I know it’s hard, and heartbreaking, and desperately lonely at times. But please don’t stop searching for what you need. You deserve to be seen in the same way you deserve to have a nutritious diet. It’s a basic human need, and a basic human right. You will find it if you keep searching.
You’re a good person and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your own self.
Thank you so much for your message @Faugxh 
I started looking into a therapist last night. I think it’s time to let all of this pent up trauma out. I know you are right about my mom not being the right person for this. I’m also trying not to numb in other ways- too much exercise or controlling food. I find I give myself small reminders through the day when something emotional comes bubbling up and I just allow myself to feel it. Then after I’ve had some time, I try to think through that feeling or emotion and why I felt it.
Life is such a rollercoaster isn’t it? 
@Matt I think I’ve known since college that I needed to talk to someone professionally. I think when I was that young, I was ashamed and embarrassed by everything I had been through and just wanted to push it down, forgetting it all together. I ran as far as I could from my brother and I thought that would cure it. Any rational person knows that you don’t forget trauma, or run from it- you work through it and try your best to forgive. It’s the advice I would have given anyone I love. When it was me I couldn’t think rationally, thinking that I couldn’t rip myself open emotionally for someone I didn’t know and trust. It wasn’t until about three or four years ago that I started using alcohol to numb- I think even from a young age I did a lot of soul searching and trying to find myself and my purpose. My compassion for others and experiences made everything rush to the surface again so I drank to keep them at bay. After four years of that I know that it most certainly didn’t keep anything at bay but made those feelings worse. I know now that they were always going to ( and needed to come out). I know now that therapy is the strong thing and the best thing for me, not pushing everything down. Thank you for your message
Lots of love to you Callie. You deserve to be yourself in your life, flying with your own two wings, with a healthy community of supportive people.
You’re beginning a journey and I know you will find what you need. One step at a time 
Thank you for being here and being so kind
Dear Caroline, I’m so glad you decided to share some of your story. It’s a really healthy start, and I know you would benefit from talking with a therapist. I never got professional help, but leaving home at 16, and having my first two babies while still a teenager is what saved me in the beginning. My world revolved around them, and yes, I lost my identity in motherhood for a while, but it was worth it. I never took a drink of alcohol until my late 20’s, once they didn’t need me to be there for them as much. That’s when the childhood trauma couldn’t be pretended away anymore, and until 54 days ago, I drank to keep a lid on the feelings. Now, the memories are engulfing me. For you, getting with a therapist now will gain you the healthy practices and coping skills needed to handle your emotions soberly. I truly wish this for you.
I don’t have the option of talking to my mom, and I don’t believe it would help if I did. I agree with everything @Faugxh said about that. This is about you, and at this point, not your brother, and you need to be heard. There are times when it has to be all about us, and this is one of those times. So much love to you. I’m always here.
I love this! Something I definitely need to work on sincerely.
Thanks for sharing your story @Callie99, just shows how brave and deserving of living a beautiful and free life blessed by sobriety 
i recently read an amazing book about a woman who suffered for years with an abusive brother, parents aloof to the suffering. incredible story: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071RQXBH2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Hey Callie! I’d like to give you a much deserved big warm hug for a start! You’re super brave for being here and opening up, you know that? 
It wasn’t nor is your fault! Ever! I’m sorry you had to endure that shit, and that times might feel difficult at the moment… Please stay the hell away from your abusive brother! And see if you can join an in-person recovery group if that exists around you? Or a psychologist like I did recently?? It helps so much just to be honest, not only to others, but to yourself. Please don’t let the past bring you down Callie, now you’re free you have such potential to shine! 
Meditating or joining a meditation class might just help you too 
Stay with us, you’ll find lots of much needed love and support in communities like this (often from people on similar journeys), I’m so glad you reached out! 
Carolyn, thank you so much for reaching out. It was actually you sharing part of your story that helped me share a bit of mine. It’s amazing to me how brave and vulnerable humans can be, and how inspiring and comforting it is to me. Thank you for being on this app. I’m so happy to have people I can relate to, to go on this incredibly difficult, emotional journey on. Sending so much love back, about to listen to some of the new songs you posted 
please reach out if you ever need anything or just to chat, I’m here
@SoberSenze I loved all of the kind words and advice @Faugxh shared with me too. Such a big part of this journey to me has been learning how to trust and believe in my self. I’m not sure when we learn to stop seeing what makes ourselves so special and look to outside factors to validate us, our feelings ect. To truly trust yourself and love yourself I think I need to refind that self validation and inner compass.
@1in8billion you have been such a warm presence here since I joined this app and started this journey. One of your first messages to me, made me feel so welcome here. I am also really thankful that you posted a part of your journey. Your’s and @ShesGotMoxie sharing your stories met more to me then I could manage to articulate in words. Just to feel less alone is such a gift. It makes alcohol seem like a cheap substitute to genuine understanding, empathy, and being able to share your experiences to help someone else. I recently just started meditating. ( I think haha) I’ve always thought as hiking on my own as a form of meditation, but actively trying to just breathe and be. I know there’s a lot more to it, I like the idea of a class. Therapy is the next big to do on my list. I suddenly have so much extra time so I can’t really use that excuse anymore. Part of me is scared to go, but I know once I am there how good it will be for me. Thank you for being here
I’m not entirely sure but I imagine, the inside validation and trust in ourselves will grow, if we get enough of it from the outside growing up. If we grow up and there just isn’t enough care, attention, love, respect etc, our inner development is stunted. And it takes a lot of work to overcome this shortcoming of self-confidence and rectify what our caregivers caused with their neglect.
I am in intensive psychotherapy since >2 years now and I always sing its praises. I would not be where I am today mentally and emotionally without it. I was too fucking broken and lost in my broken thinking, I would never have managed a way out on my own.
Have you thought about therapy, @Callie99?
I always feel this twinge of guilt that I’m relieved to see I’m not alone, but I also know that none of us can survive what we’ve gone through without each other. Thank you for being here. 
P.S. The music is keeping me going! I’m adding to my Apple library every day. It’s awesome!