I just turned 18
I’ve been sober for 16 hours
Last time I used was this morning
I smoke dope
Ive been using since I was 13
I started of smoking weed and drinking
It was an everyday thing
I was living at home with my family, siblings, mom
at that time until one day I got tookenout my house when I was 14 , i alwayz argued with my mom
She was always mad at me , hurting my fealways talking shit to me kicking me out drinking trynna fight with me constantly she was always so negative I always loved my mother I was always attached to her, everything about me and her are alike we look alike talk the same laugh everything
She started drinking she was stripping at a club
She became very mean
As of today
We don’t talk
I don’t tel her nothing
She don’t tell me nothing
, i alwayz left the houde cause it was so stressful till one day i jail got on probation
Ever since then I never was able to go back to my mom’s house I went in and out of jail,camp placement group homes you name it
It was a lot , I felt lonely very lonely I always do
I could never stay in one place without leaving I always went back to the streets ran back to the same shit
I started hanging out with different people
Older people who used harder drugs
I was always quick to stumble when it came to guys and drugs
I got introduced to meth at 13 by some cute guy
Started having sex, in and out of people’s houses parting, everything
All my old friends, associates we would all use
Wede have fun smoking drinking laughing
Untill the crowd got smaller and smaller
People moved in with their lives
But me, I’m still stuck in the same position
I became more serious as the years flew
My situation got really heavy
To were I didn’t have a house to stay in
I was on the streets
In and out of motels with an ex boyfriend who was 6 years older than me wede steal for a living to be the money to buy out dope he, who loves to pass me the pipe even when I wouldn’t want to
Hed push and push
I don’t know why but I can’t honestly say no
I bullshit my way around it to we’re I give in
My body looked sucked up
I was always sad
The people I wish that I wanted to be here right now to help me ain’t gonna do it because I burned all my bridges with them
Then My pride came in
I didn’t trust anybody
Which was fucking me up a lot I lost people opportunities and more good things due to the fact that I didn’t trust a soul my mind set was at that time was programd to think everyone is out to get me
I never thought once about nobody else due to the fact of how hurt I am and how much anger I have towards the people who took me for granted , stepped all on me took so much away from me and left me with nothing telling me to move on
I don’t find it fair not one bit.
As soon as I stopped giving a fuck I was the bad guy
I depended on probation for a while
A little too much
Ide turn myself in when I got too smoked out
When I had no where to go
The jail showed me more love then anywhere I could get
Even though it was jail the staff made me feel like I was worth living like if I was worth to be something
I got a stage where I literally forgot who I was
Use look in the mirror
Confused
Thinking and trying to remember how quick I got to where I was at
I was stuck , I felt lost use have to write down the things I loved doing when I was little and more stuff to remember
I kept going back to the streets and my associates to smoke to kick it to be around someone who would comfort me , I kept going back
I couldn’t stop
I got into worse situations to we’re I was almost raped
Or too high to even do anything
Theirs been multiple times were I got passed out in a random persons house car
It was bad
I needed money for food and stuff so I went beyond my boundaries to get the money
I was stuck
Now, I just turned 18 on July
I got off probation on September
They released me to myself cus of my age
By law and by reality I had to stop depending on probation
The only help I knew that wouldn’t say no to me
They finally stopped helping me because they terminated my case
I wasn’t prepared to be on my own
From that day till today it went bad
I constantly use on and off
Trynna stay sober for 1 week next hour I end up hitting the pipe
Everybody is starting to recognize me as a tweaker
I missed all my GR appointment DMV appointment
But I’m trynna get back on my feet
What hold me back is my circle
I can’t say no
It’s hard
The people I love are holding me back
It’s hard
I’m not motivated as much
I ain’t in school but I signed up for 9 jobs online
So far 2 declined me and 2 called me today for an interview on Monday
What next
Can anybody relate
I appreciate that