After much debate, and an abundance of real life support, I’ve decided to share a bit about what is going on. The shout out thread made me realize that I’ve grown up in sobriety with a lot of you folx and you all deserve to be included in my life, and struggles.
Buckle up it’s gonna be a long one. It will most likely get moved to the lounge in due time. Not really sure what I’m looking for in posting this other than to update my friends.
Go check out the old real red diary of derek threads for a more in depth history. But long story short my girlfriend and I got pregnant very shortly after dating and before I was a year sober. She also had a very young daughter at the time who’s father had died before she was born. Most of you probably didn’t know that because for all intents and purposes she’s my little girl. My girlfriend and I tried the marriage route but it just wasn’t meant to be. We separated in less than a year.
For almost 3 years we had a really great coparenting arrangement and actually got along quite well. We shared true 50/50 custody with very little conflict. That all changed over the summer. My current girlfriend, and hopefully forever partner, started blending our families after a year of dating. We took family trips and gree our family unit. That means my kids started getting close with my girlfriend and I started getting close with her boys. Now I can understand how this is hard for my ex to watch, but she is also doing the same with her boyfriend which I support.
Towards the end of summer my ex started making comments about the amount of trips I was taking and the cost associated with them. It’s important to note that I am paying close $1,000 a month in support/child care costs. My girlfriend and I do well financially and are to afford these trips. My ex took issue with that.
After ny final trip in August my ex informed me that I will no longer be getting my daughter on the normal custody schedule. Legally speaking she is able to do this. Morally speaking it’s a different story. In the past 6 weeks I’ve only had my daughter for 4 overnights. I’ve been incredibly depressed, angry, distant, closed off, and selfish. I’m not in danger of relapse but I am struggling to stay positive. To have my daughter taken from me and having no recourse is the absolute master definition of powerlessness. And I fucking hate it. I hate every fucking second of it.
I’ve been staying close with my sponsor and some close friends, but as time wears on I talk about it less because I just sound like a broken record. I’m still hurting so bad but I know I need to regroup and press forward. My son still needs me very much and this has been incredibly hard on him too as he doesn’t understand why his sister isn’t here. She doesn’t understand why she can’t come to daddy’s.
And finally to top it all off, my shitty mood and selfishness is causing problems in my relationship. I get angry so quickly and I get so defensive because I simply cannot cope and my poor amazing beautiful girlfriend unfortunately bears the brunt of my shit.
Anyway trauma dump over.
