Binge eating recovery daily check in thread (Part 3)

[Jana1988]

Congratulations on your 3 days, @Passerina_cyanea

I hear you with the boredom, because I am 100% the exact same case! I tried to meditate a couple of times lately with a hope it will teach me how to just “be” without that instant need to be entertained by something.
It was just yesterday when in the afternoon I finally sat on the sofa and suddenly I had nothing to do. I felt low energy after a busy morning but there was no way that I could just sit on the sofa (also because we had a beautiful clear sky). So I ended up going for a walk. I just can’t just sit and be and I’m finding it super boring to eat without distracting myself with TV or my phone. It feels like if I’m eating forever…lol. Yet when I was a kid, I and my brother had to always sit at a table for any kind of food. We’d be never allowed to eat on the sofa or even in a different room, but only in the kitchen.
When I think about it, it’s a shame I didn’t carry the eating habits from my childhood. My mum never ever bought us any sweets. Only fruit. We had a home cooked food from her twice a day (lunch and dinner). Regular breakfast, lunch and dinner. At a table as a family. Wasn’t it wonderful? And then I moved out and started all these bad habits, don’t know why.

[Jana1988]

When I did grocery shopping yesterday, I bought stuff I knew that I’d binge on later in the day. Last few days I was binging on sugar, but back in my mind I was having this thought about quitting sugar for good. I just didn’t feel ready, motivated and knew that if I decided for it then, I’d fail because I’d have to run on willpower. I think I’d hate it too. So I waited until I feel differently and the day came.
And it’s not because I binged yesterday and so today I’m angry or upset with myself and so powered by anger I’m now making this decision. I’m quit in peace with it and I actually like that I didn’t force it on me and waited it out until my headspace reaches the right point. And somehow I knew there will be such a moment like today, because I also could have worried that I will want to keep eating sugar forever… Nah, deep in me I knew that’s not the case.
So I put aside any other rules so far and made this one a priority. No sugar for 1 month now and then I want to review how I feel, what changed for me and whether I want to continue, supposedly I can then add more rules if I feel like it.
I set up my clock to start today from 5am. So I have about 45mins in now. It’s quite exciting and I hope there won’t be too many struggles along the way. I still can eat other food, so all is good. Oh and I have exceptions in fruit yoghurts and peanut butter. I know I won’t binge on these.
Btw, I’m getting a haircut today which is also exciting. I have dark mid long hair which I stopped colouring last year in December. My mum was showing me some Facebook group she dollfollows where people are embracing their grey hairs and she started doing the same. I wasn’t sure if it’s something I’d like to do to, because I tried once in past and didn’t like it. But somehow I didn’t colour my hair since and now I have quite a lot of my natural hair coming through. But it looks quite not nice, like if I can’t afford a hair colour. So I decided to probably (I’m not 100% yet) cut it down a lot…like a lot to basically short hair to get more even amount of my natural hair as opposed to the colour one. I still need to see how my natural hair look before I commit not to colour them ever again. I have some brown but lots of grey too. Maybe I’ll look more mature and will be taken seriously for once with the greys which are perhaps the only thing giving away my age

[Misokatsu]

Day 8 for not binging.

Trigger warning - mention of body size

As I am sure you can guess, the last couple of months have not been great food wise. I made a decision to be ‘relaxed’ over December, which was Christmas, New Year, my birthday, various parties, and then to buck up in the new year. But my ‘relaxation’ took over January and even most of February, and became full binges, not just overeating. I got into a real spiral of just hating feeling heavier, seeing a fuller face and the start of bigger rolls and just feeling so gross. I didn’t even want to try to get back into exercise again because the feeling of my larger body wobbling just distressed me. In the end, I managed to hit the breaks, get back to focusing on holistic nutrition, some movement, and am finally feeling a little better.

[acromouse]

@Jana1988 @Passerina_cyanea About boredom and discomfort. The meetings I attend contain a meditation. The preface to that meditation has some words along the line: “Part of what we are doing in meditation is learning to sit with discomfort.”
Meditation is not about feeling better about the discomfort, or not having the need to escape a situation or experience. It is about learning to stay with that discomfort. Despite the need, despite the discomfort. When I started meditating I started with 2 minutes. I couldn’t do more than that. With time and consistent practice - 2min every day - my capacity expanded.
I can only recommend incorporating a daily meditation practice into recovery, especially if one is prone to trying to escape from uncomfortable feelings with unwanted behaviours. A good way to get into it that is also recovery oriented are Recovery Dharma meetings.
@Misokatsu Glad to hear you found a kind way for yourself out of that downward spiral

465 sugar
329 UPF
203 gluten/dairy

[Passerina_cyanea]

Thank you for the explanation and the suggestion! I have tried meditating several times but it never became a habit. Good reminder to keep trying.

[CATMANCAM]

@Jana1988 thank you for your support 🩵 I am going to keep posting since you’ve all been so kind. My family have never even tried to be supportive or understanding, they just bully me about my weight and size, and tell me my health issues are all my own fault (like I’m not hyper aware of this) and try to tell me what to eat and how to exercise. Of course, eating healthy and exercising is fine advice, but if it was that easy I wouldn’t be in this position. I wish so much that I could do those things as simply as people without EDs and other MH challenges make it sound. We aren’t a close family anyway, we only see each other on special occasions and don’t communicate between those times. I was an alcoholic from age 12 and they just used to laugh about it. None of them know about the sexual violence I’ve experienced as a child and adult, I’d never tell them, and they also don’t know I’ve ever used illegal drugs, let alone that I was an addict and nearly died from addiction (and still am, it would seem). They know I haven’t drank alcohol since Aug 2020, but they still offer/pressure me to drink with them on these occasions. They obviously know I have an issue with food bc I gained 8st and I’m absolutely huge, have been since 2018, and now have diabetes, but they have no idea how much I struggle. I have been signed off work since January 2020, due to mental and physical disabilities. It’s something I am very ashamed about bc I always worked multiple jobs from age 12-33, you could say that was an addiction too. I had no free time to think whatsoever, so it was another way of coping. I was forced to sell my apartment when I had to stop working, and I had some equity that I was planning to save for buying my own place again if ever my circumstances should change in the future, now it’s all gone.
@acromouse thank you, the shame is definitely heavy. I’m sorry about your dreams lately
@Faugxh I have therapy on Mondays, but she is very dismissive about almost everything, we don’t talk about what I’m supposed to be there to talk about (CSA), and I’ve been seeing her a year now, so already half-way through. My other therapy is on Fridays, and that’s the Psychodynamic Psychotherapy that the ED service thought I needed more of, but he doesn’t speak, he doesn’t even ask me how I’ve been at the start of the sessions, so I break the ice by asking him, and ofc he just says ‘I’m okay’. Then if I’ve logged any nightmares I’ll read those out, and he will ask me what I think they mean. Then after that there’s just a lot of mutual silence. I never know what to say. I feel like he hates me and I’m just wasting his time. He always seems angry at me for ‘‘self-harming’’ (with food). I’m not great at talking with speech at the best of times. I’ve got until July 2026 with him. I agree I need to stop numbing with food so I have more access to my feelings, so I can talk about them and maybe make some progress in the sessions. I just cannot seem to fkin stop, even on the days when I’m so determined all day and feeling “strong”, it’s like I’m possessed and then all of a sudden I’m feeling disgust, shame, and guilt for having done it again, and repeat every night. I despair. 🩵
@Misokatsu thank you, I forgot how comforting it feels to be understood 🩵
@Aleyadaisey thank you, I will stick around here again. 🩵
@tailee17 thank you for your kind words 🩵

So today my blood test results from Friday are online. They are absolutely terrifying, drastically worse than before despite being on two additional medications since my last tests 3 months ago. I really am killing myself. I can see that the diabetes nurse has booked a phonecall appointment with me for this Wednesday evening, she usually waits atleast 3 weeks to call me, so even she must be shocked. I’ve never told her about my ED bc she’s never been very friendly and I just don’t want to be shamed by yet another medical professional that doesn’t understand, but I am planning to tell her this time. I really want to start on Mounjaro, an injectable, which is first a diabetes medication, but has also recently been approved for weight-loss, and I have heard good things, although not from any ED related sources as there is limited information thus far. I am really hoping she agrees to it. So I am trying to feel a bit of hope until I speak to her.

It’s shameful to admit, but the last takeaway I ordered on Saturday night, I ordered so much (£90 worth), that I have been eating leftovers throughout yesterday and today, but in “normal” portions, so I could say I have 2 days without bingeing, but somehow I want to reset both ‘binge-eating’, and ‘takeaway’ counters when I finish the leftovers later on.

Over the weekend and today so far, I have been meditating properly again, and have spent most of the days reading on here. It feels like I am coming home to myself.

Thank you for making me feel welcomed back. I appreciate you all

🩵

[Passerina_cyanea]

Just because an idea is simple (e.g. eat less, move more) doesn’t mean it is easy!! We are all proof of that.

Don’t let your productivity define your worth. That’s what the oligarchs want you to think. We all have inherent rights regardless of work status or type.

[PastorG]

I am new to OA recovery and was just looking for a safe space to check in on a regular. I don’t even know if I am using this app correctly or if this is where I am supposed to check in but…today I am sober! I Just joined OA last Thursday and have four days of sobriety behind me now. Shit is getting real! I live in New Orleans metropolitan area, and the food is ridiculous here. Extremely good tasting but extremely bad for your health. I am also from a large Sicilian Italian family where food is practically a religion for us, and it is Mardi Gras time where there is always a lot of sweet “King Cakes” around so… yeah. This sucks. My sponsor told me whenever I get tempted to overheat or have sugar to talk to God and someone else to borrow their power when I feel powerless (Basically pray and call someone for help in the program). That’s what I have been doing one temptation at a time and I am now four days and a half in and making it. Praise God! I also started a new exercise regiment of 50 push-ups every day with a break on Sundays. This will give me my 300 push-ups a week that I used to do and fell out of the habit of recently. Hope to check in here more frequently now that I am in this new Fellowship. I love you guys. We got this!

[Aleyadaisey]

Day 1542 : No binge today.

Welcome to the thread, @PastorG! Wow, 4 sober days! Keep up the good work! I love the goal you set for push ups too! I hope you find this thread helpful/inspiring in a positive way.

[PastorG]

Thank you for the encouragement.

[Jana1988]

Morning, @CATMANCAM 🩵
Your story is heartbreaking, I feel for you so much! It must be very difficult for you to deal with stuff when you don’t have much support in people who surround you. Especially your therapist is if you feel about him the way you do! HOWEVER, you’ve got us here and yourself You’re 100% not alone, I promise you that. We walk similar path and struggles and we want to help you, because you’re helping us

I’m glad to hear that you feel like you’re coming home to yourself Yes, of course you are! And if you didn’t binge on the takeaway leftovers you can leave your counter going. I know that feeling of wanting it perfect - only the food we consider “healthy”, only the amounts we consider “right”…but I guess that at this stage if you didn’t binge on a trigger food, it’s a big achievement . Maybe you ate something you’d prefer quit from your menu, but the main thing is that you managed to have a control over it and didn’t let the animal of the leash. Of course, it’s up to you, I just wanted to offer my view on it

@CATMANCAM

and tell me my health issues are all my own fault (like I’m not hyper aware of this)

I am sorry, but I must disagree. It is NOT your own fault that your body copes with things in this way. Would you say to anyone in this group that it’s our own fault that we’re “addicts” and having issues with eating? That it’s our own fault that we just don’t stop doing what we’re unhappy about? I bet you wouldn’t, so why do you think that you’re different from us and that you are causing this to yourself? It’s not your fault that food industries are earning so much money from making people addicted to their products so they can sell them more and more and that they don’t care about the consequences for the individuals. It’s also not our fault that our lower brain can overtake any logical thinking and make us act like if we lost control (as we actually did). It’s an unfortunate reality of this world and few of us decided to fight it that’s why we’re here! I can’t even imagine how many people are out there who have no clue. At least we have the knowledge what’s wrong, but calling it our own fault is not only unfair but also unhelpful. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t hate yourself, it’s not your fault and I don’t care how you look like or what you think about your body image, you are not the cover, you’re the story inside and I love you for it I am blessed enough to get to know you a little bit through this thread and all I can see is someone absolutely BEAUTIFUL and WONDERFUL who deserves a lots of love

I hope you will have a very lovely day and let us know about your blood test, what you heard and what they recommended you Sending you love and hugs

[Jana1988]

Hi @PastorG
Welcome in this thread! There’s not good or bad in using this app - anything what can help you (except abusing others of course ).
I believe I can speak for everyone if I say that we’re glad to have another soul on this journey.
I’m finding it helpful when people share about their journey and what helps to them, how they feel, etc. So feel free to check in and write as much as you’d like to.
Also congrats on your 4 days! I hope to get there too

[acromouse]

@CATMANCAM Glad to hear you feel like you are coming back home. Don’t stop sharing for whatever reason as long as you feel it is doing you good.
@PastorG Welcome to this thread You have come to the right place for daily shares. I check in daily. We are all always surrounded by food and all kinds of stuff we can get addicted to. Glad to hear you are working a programm that is helpful to you

466 sugar
330 UPF
204 gluten/dairy

[CATMANCAM]

@Jana1988 thank you, you are a kind soul 🩵 I guess I’ve been conditioned by everyone (outside of here) to feel like it’s my own fault, but you’re right; we don’t chose to become addicted, develop eating disorders, or other MH challenges, and no, I’d never intentionally make anyone else feel like that either. I kept the binge-eating counter going
@acromouse I think it definitely helps

11 days no crisps.
3 days no binge-eating.
1 day no takeaways, no sugar.

Thought I’d come here to check-in, even though there’s a few more hours left in the day where I’m at risk yet. Maybe checking-in will help prevent me from ordering. Usually the cravings and urges start around 20:30, and I order sometime between then and 23:00. Yes, I am completely out of my routine of going to bed early like I used to before the end of November last year. I’m working on that but I have been struggling to sleep for more than 45mins at a time lately. Then I’m awake for hours in-between. I am now completely off 3 of my MH medications, 4 more to go, so that’s probably not helping either, and I’ve always suffered from Insomnia since I was young.

This time tomorrow I will know what the plan is going forwards for my diabetes management.

🩵

[tailee17]

You are doing great. You have a wonderful attitude and self realization of yourself. I support and salute you.

[PastorG]

Thank you for the encouragement!

[PastorG]

Thank you for the encouragement! 🩷

[PastorG]

Guys, I made it through Mardi Gras sober from Alcohol/Substances, Sex Addiction, and OA (overeating & sugar)! God is so good and I love how my HP helps me through all things through you beautiful people. I love it! I’m so grateful that 10 years ago I found 12-Step recovery. I couldn’t do it without the love and support I get from these rooms!

[Aleyadaisey]

Day 1543 : No binge today.

[acromouse]

@CATMANCAM Very glad to see you checking in
@PastorG Great news you made it So glad to hear you found a good place in your recovery programm.

467 sugar
331 UPF
205 gluten/dairy