My sponsor who I only met 3 days is not a great fit for me.
She’s very sweet and very helpful, but we aren’t “jibing” I understand getting sober is a serious business but I love being a little jovial and making light of certain comments. In the Zoom she didn’t even smile, not once even when someone said something humorous.
I hadn’t met her so I didn’t know. Now she wants to meet me and get “the ball rolling”
I also asked her if there were any younger AA groups, preferably ladies, preferably online.
I know, I I don’t ask for much .
She said she would ask her sponsor but I’m not holding my breath.
I’m a young spirit and I can’t relate to people aged 80 plus. I mostly connect with people 10 or 20 years my junior. (I’m 53) I’m also not sure if AA meetings are my thing, and please don’t get me wrong I totally believe in the program.
I really don’t want to hurt her because she has been so wonderful. I am just too old to “force things” or compromise in the hope that I’m being too pernickety.
This is my recovery and while I know it it’s a long journey, I would prefer it to not be to agonizing.
I’m not sure what to do.
AND I LOVE you guys. ALL of you!!!
My only concern is the amount of time I spend on here
I think you just be straight with her. You can be honest and direct, and when done tactfully, limit or avoid hurt feelings. Say the nice things you said about her here, but then indicate that despite those things, you just don’t feel it’ll be a good fit as sponsor/sponsee. Maybe you could be friends, if you want.
I am very much the type who is always worried about hurting people’s feelings when delivering news like this, so I get it – but you need to do what is right for yourself, above anything else. Even if it does hurt her feelings (I don’t think it will), she’ll get over it.
Finding the right sponsor has been challenging for me too. I prefer the term mentor.
Mentors are easier to find. You don’t even need to ask for them. They are just there. When I’m attending a meeting regularly, I listen, and get to know people. When I hear someone who has what I’m looking for, I get to know them better. We form a friendship and I get advice from them. I can have several mentors.
Whenever I attended meetings in my first 30 days of sobriety, many people approached me. Some of them offered sponsorship. I accepted one guys offer, because I felt that having a sponsor was the right thing to do. This guy wasn’t right for me. He put himself out there for me because his sponsor was coaching him to do it. I went to coffee with them both a couple of times. As I got to know them better, neither one was what I was looking for.
Then, that meeting became uncomfortable for me. I didn’t want to work with them, firing them felt awkward. Every time I went, they wanted me to join them, preventing me from getting to know healthier people. I quit attending that meeting. The guy bragged about sponsoring me to other members. It was awkward.
Months later, I was listening to a guy share and his story was very similar to mine. I felt he was qualified. I got to know him better and asked him to be my sponsor. I was trying to have an official sponsor because I felt it was the right thing to do.
As I got to know him better, I realized we have similar stories, but he wasn’t qualified either. He was a 13th stepper, hitting on every newcomer he could. I met him at his house for some step work. His house was a disaster. He was self-employed but his business was failing. He did not have his shit together at all. So, I ghosted him rather than hurt his feelings.
For me, finding the right sponsor has been challenging. Mentors are much easier. If I outgrow a sponsor. I have to fire him. That’s awkward. If I outgrow a mentor, we stay friends. I just don’t seek advice from them anymore.
Have you heard the poem "You can change a cucumber into a pickle, but you can’t turn a pickle back into a cucumber”
It Was on the “motivation and meditation” thread…
Just reminded me of that!.
My experience is aa, na, ca, I stick with na today … Lots of women’s meetings,a diverse age range, and lots of similarities, speaking for myself.
You do have to find a sponsor you’re comfortable with and gel with, I was very fortunate to the lady that said yes to me, she’s really layed back and honest,I rang many numbers before and they didn’t work for me,… be honest with yourself and other people is a good step to take. Courage
@Hazy between myself and @Andy68 we are going to find somebody to write a cool pickle song.
@TMAC 'm going to be totally honest with the sponsor. I’m not 100% convinced (or sure) that I need help right now, which is actually not a lie and I will tell her I will get back to her if need be.
That way the door is still open.
@JasonFisher I prefer the word mentor too. For me a sponsor is someone who promotes a person or company, who helps in covering financial costs etc. .
@planchette Thank God for technology. Sadly it has caused more fragmentation but yet instant connection with people too.
If she’s been a sponsor for awhile, she should be accustomed to some people just not working out. You don’t even need a reason other than you don’t think it’s a good fit.
Be careful of the “goldilocks syndrome”. You say you are a “young spirit” in one breath, and “too old to change” in another. Your sponsor isn’t “jibing” with you, yet “wonderful” so far.
Maybe have that meeting to get things going, and see if things get going in the right direction?
Hey @Yoda-Stevie Thank you for posting and engaging with me.
Really not sure where I said “I’m too old to change” that really isn’t in my vocabulary. I I believe we are never too old to change habits, a way of thinking, old rituals etc…
What I said was I am too old “to force things”. I think when we are younger we are a little green and don’t question. After all you respect your elders and do as they say etc… As we get older we find our voices, confidence etc. We can make our own decisions around our life, who we want to spend time and energy with.
She might be a lovely “wonderful
lady” in that she’s caring, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good fit. Generally humans aren’t that bad and do care about others, however, I need light hearted people with a good sense of humour in my life.
You can just put her off and she’ll probably drop you anyway. Or you could tell her outright you’re not gelling with her. Either way, she might get an attitude. Let me stress that her reaction whether it is positive or negative is not your fault.
When I looked for a sponsor, I checked out women at meetings for a few months before I chose one. She only had 2 years of sobriety and was just a few years older than me.
That’s what I did. Hope that helps.
I never heard of a group choosing someone’s sponsor. In my area the sponsee chooses their own sponsor. That shows the regional differences of AA. Very interesting.
Judging? No. Just pointing out where I see a dichotomy. We addicts are great at dichotomy, which can possibly lead to issues. We can make the perfect the enemy of the good, or search for reasons to pass on a sponsor, not attend meetings, change a part of our lifestyle, or leave a toxic relationship.
Not at all saying you shouldn’t have the best sponsor. It’s a pretty big deal. From what I understand, good sponsors are hard to find, and great ones even harder. What’s the odds of you finding the next sponsor, only to realize that you are even less satisfied?
Hey Jason,great post…or as l nearly wrote ‘Great share!’
Funny, but l feel like l’m back in the rooms of AA,and it feels wonderful!!
I feel like l have found MY PEOPLE! Yay!
Thanks everyone for sharing their stories, welcoming me, engaging with me, and for making me really laugh again-a joy in life that had become a distant memory!
Your post has made me be able to articulate(in my own head) why in over 3 years of having AA in my life,l have never managed to get a sponsor.
And all the while, there is so much pressure and opinion that you should and have to get a sponsor to stay sober. This in itself is so stressful!
I think l actually agree with you about the mentor vs sponsor topic. I had never thought that deeply about why l don’t like the label. Sponsor for me l guess conjures up the idea that l need someone to financially support me.
Maybe ’Life Coach’ is a good substitute?!
I really relate and feel for you that you had to ghost a potential sponsor. It is so awkward isn’t it! I think the worst thing is that these people really want to help us, and so we feel bad to have to ‘fire them’!
Like we don’t feel crap enough about ourselves already, this gives us another reason. It’s like we’re being ungrateful!
Nowadays,l don’t really worry that l don’t have a sponsor,and am in no hurry anymore. I can read the Big book,work the steps by myself for now-something l don’t rush either.
I’ve “fired” a sponsor and I’ve been “fired” as a sponsor. They are things that happen. When I had a sponsee go in another direction it did not bother me in the least. Being a sponsor isn’t about me satisfying my ego. It’s about me staying sober by practicing the 12th step.
It’s not my responsibility if my sponsees go to meetings or do anything else. That’s their responsibility. As a sponsor I am there to take my sponsees through the Big Book. If they practice the program as described they have a very high chance at sobriety.
So basically if you want a new sponsor go for it. If your current sponsor gets upset it sounds like they should work that out themselves
Oh Cherry_Kisses, l feel like we have formed a close bond already, over a pickle…or is it a pickled cucumber?
Don’t know whether it’s because we are both women and 53, or whether we have the same sense of humour, but l am really enjoying our online banter and silliness!
I had a giggle when l read that you thought the ‘pickle quote’ came from a poem!!
It actually comes from the AA book ‘Living Sober’ Chapter 4-‘Remembering that alcoholism is an incurable,progressive,fatal disease’(page 8).
I bought this indispensable little book as a Birthday present to myself a few years ago. I refer to it and read it often, and would highly recommend it, especially to those who are in early recovery.
Still happy to work on making that Pickle song a number 1 hit! ( My husband says my brain is pickled all the time-used to upset me, but now l will laugh at it and think of our song!)
There is no such thing as failure.
I believe that the only way we fail in our journey of sobriety is if we give up hope and stop trying.
Relapsing is not failing-it’s just resetting the timer again.
Not having a sponsor doesn’t mean we’re not as likely to succeed as the one who does.
It just means someone else has been lucky enough to find that special person to hold their hand on their journey, and we haven’t…yet.
As an older sober member said to me once.”There’s no hurry in finding a sponsor. Sometimes they find you!”
We have our whole lives left to find a sponsor and to work through the steps.There’s no hurry!
.
