Hi, I am exactly the same way, I always thought the way I drank, black out and empty stomach I was alone! Thank u for sharing! We can do this one day at a time
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I use to drink vodka straight.almost every night of the week.i use to get either a pint an a half or an fifth.I would usally blac out once i drink a little more than a pint an a half.i had to rely on wat the people who was around me that night would tell me i done.i use to hate it.didn’t want to believe wat the people was telling me but i had no choice.yet I would do it again night after night thinking I would be able to handle it better.
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Go with the Ribena - no regrets with Ribena, and no risk of going too far. 
The wine is not what you are looking forward to. The numbness is what you are after. The escape. I don’t mean to be unkind in what I’m saying here. I just mean to be crystal clear: alcohol is not something you want. It’s just an escape hatch you use to run away from life, and you’ve been doing it for so many years you’ve forgotten (or maybe never learned) that there are other ways to manage stress, ways which are healthy and not destructive.
Our culture (and our minds) tends to romanticize wine, or whatever drug or behaviour we use to numb ourselves. It’s got lots of “cute” catch-phrases (“wine o’clock”), we think of it as a “reward”. Meanwhile we agonize over the very things you put in the title to this thread: blackouts, assault, and humiliation.
You have a deep reservoir of wisdom, courage, and determination. I am sure you are at the beginning of a very significant journey of self-discovery here. I know you will learn a great deal about yourself and what you want and need, and how to speak and act in healthy ways for what you need.
The first and most important thing is to be sober today. Just be sober today. Let yourself heal. Read about sobriety. Participate in groups, online or in person, as appropriate - there are many options on these two threads:
Online meeting resources
Resources for our recovery
As you work your recovery, your life will become clearer. And it will be good.
Prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions. You’ve been burying them for years. They will come up. It’s ok. Cry, be angry, be joyful, be every shade of emotion, sober, and know that for the first time ever, you are feeling them fully - and that is beautiful, and it is good.
Take care Freckles and keep checking in
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Thank you. See you around.
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Thank you so much Matt. I will join both those threads. I really do miss the in-person connection at the moment of talking to people about this, but this online community has been super helpful too. I’ve followed some sober accounts and its really helpful to know that so many people have tricky relationships with alcohol and can make the CHOICE each day to not waking up shaking. I had this bizarre fear that people would cease to see me as ‘fun’, I know thats a common feeling but actually, we know thats bullshit. We know that our being drunk and uncontrollable does not make us a better lover or friend or person, so actually I’d rather be the friend who is accountable and present and engaging than the one who has a story about how fucked up she got. So yes, just sober today. and then repeat each morning and remember what I have GAINED.
My boyfriend has already been amazing. He drank the rest of my wine yesterday while we talked about it (which was good, I HATE things going to waste and I also want to feel that he is comfortable around me to do that - my relationship right now is not one that doesn’t like other people drinking, its just one that knows that its poison to ME, in the same way that I no longer crave pasta because it gives me a tummy ache, but that doens’t mean I don’t like it when other people order it in restaurants).
I shed some tears last night, for the fact that I know I have been ashamed in blackouts and my boyfriend telling me that he wants me to remember the sex. I hated that I didn’t on the 5 occassions I’ve blacked out the last 16 months. WE discussed whether 5 is enough to warrant this drastic move. Is it? But do I want to wait until things get that bad? I blacked out at a wedding in 2019 and spent 7 hours doing god knows what and wrecking things. Do I want things to get THAT bad that I do something to harm my relationship or my career? Definitely absolutely not.
I am going to keep checking in. I know it will get harder than the current feeling now of excitement. Grateful to you all. Grateful for community in a time of none. Step by step. All I need right now is my flatmate and boyfriend aware and to accept myself. Month by month, I can invite others in to how I’m feeling sober but its nice to know that really it is MY decision.
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Good for you Freckles. Keep it up, one day at a time. Keep checking in here - we’d love to see how you’re doing.
There’s a thread for checking in where you can follow along with others’ journeys too, pat each other on the back, do some cheerleading & share your support:
Take care Freckles! Looking forward to seeing you around.
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Hi Tarag, we can do it. God the empty stomach thing basically gave me Gallstones!
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Welcome,
I haven’t posted in a while, but this caught my attention. So a couple of thoughts:
-I didn’t drink wine period. If it was wine or stay sober, I’d stay sober (Doesn’t make any sense, but it is a drug and by definition, don’t make sense.) Primarily beer and if I was out, some liquor. The reality is I don’t think ‘Wine is your sugar’, alcohol is. Wine is just the prefered system of delivery.
-As far as your bf. Some people won’t understand. Sometimes it is because they can’t see from your end, sometimes they don’t want to see. You are responsible for your sobriety. He isn’t.
-Be careful w the qualifying statement “it’s not that I drink regularly (it might be once a week) or even once a fortnight”. I bet if you look back, that has again and again been a reason/excuse for your continuing to drink,
-The fact that you make the calculated choice to drink on an empty stomach looks problematic as well. It is the equivelent of a scrip abuser crushing and shooting pills rather than taing them orally. Faster entry into bloodstream and harder high.
Please excuse me for sounding harsh, that isn’t my intent. This sounds a lot like me, so it hit me. Now for the good I read:
-You took the first step. You realize that it is problem.
-You can identify the patterns in your actions.
-You can choose to limit consumption as per your statement on sometimes two or three.
-You realize that for that two months you were sober, “only good things came into my life.”
-You realize that you have something to lose “Good career or good relationship”.
All this said, it is something you can do and the reward for it is immeasurable. Life will still happen to you and around you. This isn’t about me so I won’t give you the negatives I’ve dealt with. I will tell you that the last time I had a drink was 31 Dec 2013. There was a woman that I dated a few times (2010 and 2013) that broke off our relationship because of my drinking. We started dating again in 2015 and just celebrated our 4th wedding Anniversary last week. My financial issues are all but gone, because I’m not blowing money on alcohol any more and with all that time I used to spend drinkning, I coach and do some specialized teaching on the side.
Please contact me if I can ever be of service,
Chandler
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Hi @Chandler13. Thanks for your welcome message.
Interesting wha you say that wine is just the preferred system of delivery. I will think on that. Its day 4 and I’m already getting actual sugar cravings (as a way to perhaps reward myself for not drinking! But theyre not intense. I’m having hearty healthy meals, running and doing yoga still so I’ll be on track for a while, but the sugar cravings will come, and then I am sure the actual alcohol cravings (which, I veil as just being the sugar in red wine.
My boyfriend has been amazing recently. I have been open about this forum and how helpful it has been. He has made a few jokes about ‘when you’re drinking again… we will go back to that place’ and I’ve told him that thats not a helpful comment becuase I may not want to drink again. He apologised and said of course thats okay.
My choice to drink on an empty stomach wasn’t to get drunk, its because I wanted to save my body from waking up gaining weight. I’m ashamed thats the reason, but yes I’d cycle to work, run in at lunch time, and then go to the pub, so it was an empty stomach and I knew I’d be drinking the calories so I didn’t want to be totally unhealthy. ridiculous excuse I suppose now I hear it.
What a special story with you and your wife - congrats to you. I’m so pleased for you. I hope my relationship will have the legs yours has and hopefully the more I remind him of the good parts of my sobriety as they begin to show, hopefully he will support me and not think I’m ‘boring’. I know things will change and I will change who I am and how I have fun.
Thanks Chandler.
Freckles x
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Hey Mat,
We don’t interact on here much in conversation, but I think you are a very wise man and I appreciate all your post. And indirectly you have helped me a lot.
Thank you, for being here,
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Thanks Eric that’s very kind of you. I try to pitch in where I can - and I could say the same thing about the community here: it means a lot to me to have the wisdom and support of the people here on TS. I wouldn’t be where I am now without it
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“My choice to drink on an empty stomach wasn’t to get drunk, its because I wanted to save my body from waking up gaining weight. I’m ashamed thats the reason, but yes I’d cycle to work, run in at lunch time, and then go to the pub, so it was an empty stomach and I knew I’d be drinking the calories so I didn’t want to be totally unhealthy. ridiculous excuse I suppose now I hear it.”
That was interesting. I would eat something at lunch then not eat for the rest of the day. I wanted the systemic shock of alcohol on an empty stomach when I got home or went out that night.
I am glad you are seeing some positive turns w your boyfriend. That support is immeasurable in value. My wife chooses not to in deference to me, though she never drank much anyway. We do live in the rural South, so our town only started allowing alcohol sales on Sundays less than ten years ago. People drink, but it isn’t a ‘drinking culture’ kind of thing.
Look at the information on ‘keto diet’. I am betting the sugar craving can be overcome. Certainly not pushing diet on anyone, just good information on how your body processes and ‘craves’ sugar.
Again, I quit 1 Jan 2014. I weighed abt 240 lbs and had been close to 250. Looking back at pics, I always think, “Holy Crap, I look like a total slob.” I stayed around 220 lbs for a few years and then I decided to get serious about it in late 2019. I stay between 196 and 206 depending on how hard I am exercising. I ran my first 5K this year at age 50.
I have come to the conclusion, that “Quitting is easy, it’s staying quit that’s a bitch.” Just like you had to learn to drink, you have to learn to not to.
Let’s be honest, Whatever your delivery system, you probably didn’t like it the first time you tried it. I mean it was fermented something and fermented isn’t ever a tasty option. What happens is that I/you/we realize that beer/red wine isn’t real tasty but is followed by the rewarding kick of alcohol, so we eventually learn to associate the two and think “Wow, I like red wine,” when what we really like is the kick from the alcohol.
I have now finished y rambling for the day.
Best,
Chandler
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Hi, thank you @Chandler13 so much of what you say is so on point.
You’re so right - quitting is easy, its staying thats the bitch. A case in point - my boyfriend was amazing tonight - I said that I was tempted to break my sobriety just for one night, and to have one. He said that he would prefer if we both drank alcohol free beers, so I went and bought us both alcohol free beers, and I am so happy we did that. We just had one each (Becks) and they were tasty, felt like a real beer in a way, but I KNEW then that a real beer is very very different because after a real one I would want whatever delivery system could get more alcohol in. They are very very different, as the alcohol free drinks just stop any addiction. I really feel that I’m starting to trust his support.
Keto I’ve looked into before as I am a vegetarian and into the high fat high protein low carb model. Thanks, I’ll try and stick with this more rigorously but its not as easy when I’m running most days! (about 8km per day).
I am really struggling with my first weekend. I’ve started to binge eat which I havn’t done for years and its making me feel almost as bad, I feel, as the booze. I’m also erratic and paranoid but that might just be lockdown in London? The last time I went sober for a few months, it was in the summer and somehow I really felt myself feel amazing, I could see the changes in my body more, which now due to the fact that I’m walking around less and inside is less visible.
I am finding this January extremely difficult and I’m not ‘feeling’ good as I hoped I would. I know it takes time, just wondering how others are in January compared to maybe how sobriety would feel on another month and indeed year of normalcy. I feel more anxious about everything that I am doing. I feel sad that I cannot simply have a drink and relax. I know I will find other ways (I practice yoga, stretching and running and I play guitar, read books etc.) but I miss it. I really miss the opportunity of doing things. Not even the thing itself. I would be fine knowing that I was sober until February, and I know I never want to black out again and even if I just drink once a month, I just don’t know if I can live a life this flat, anxious, lacking in intimacy and freezing cold.
I’m sure its the zeitgeist. Its hard, isnt it? This year is hard.
Keep trying everyone.
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It’s ok to binge eat Freckles; in early sobriety your body is trying to replace the carbs from the alcohol. For the moment eat what you want, when you want. If you are too strict with yourself on eating in these early days you will set yourself up for a relapse.
After a few months your diet will stabilize. You will gain some weight. Who cares. You’ll be sober.
Be gentle with yourself, be forgiving with yourself. That’s important for staying sober - you have to be kind to yourself
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Hello and welcome!! It looks like you are getting some great advice and support here already. Here’s my two cents…
Your boyfriend might not realize or want to admit himself that your drinking is a serious enough issue that you need to abstain. When I was going through bouts of stopping drinking alcohol and then trying to moderate, my boyfriend definitely thought I was capable of moderation. I think it was partially that it’s just something we did enjoy together. But the nights that I got really bad did not outweigh the fun times. I had to say out loud, both for myself and for him to really understand, that I could not control my drinking. I also expressed that I felt it was hurting our relationship and it was more worth it for me to not drink than to risk damaging our relationship because of alcohol. This might not apply to your situation, but I think being straightforward and honest with him about why you need to stop could help him understand.
I was also a big wine drinker. I make a wine substitute now when I want a glass of red wine with dinner or something. I switch it up, but the basic idea is a mixture of juices (usually cranberry, tart cherry, and/or pomegranate with no added sugars), N/A bitters (aromatic, Orange, and black walnut —a company called Fee Brothers makes them), and seltzer. It’s really good and I drink it out of a wine glass to feel fancy. Except instead of drinking two bottles, I have one glass and I am not drunk! Also no hangover so there’s a bonus 
Let us know how things go for you. I highly recommend using the Checking In Daily thread to post daily updates. This time around, it’s really helped me to post and engage every day to keep me on track.
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I know you weren’t replying to me but that hit home. So thanks.
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Hi Matt - thanks a lot. Yeah, I suppose thats right.
I unfortunately beat myself up about weight gain as I used to be a restrictive eater, but I know that I just need to prioritise the sobriety and then work from there.
Going to try and be kind to myself, I am bizarrely finding the anxiety so extreme. My boyfriend has been worried about my levels of anxiety and worrying about things that don’t even exist and whether people hate me. Perhaps the veil has been lifted, the veil that was red wine is gone and I’m here to examine what is left.
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Dear @MagicILY
Thank you so much for your message, I woke up in the middle of the night and it was so comforting to read these. How many days are you in your sober journey? I have been so helped by this thread but I definitely need to learn how to use the site better so that I tap into the threads already available.
Your experience with you BF sounds similar to mine. And you are strong to say that aloud. It might be where I am heading to. I did have the conversation with my BF initially about it, and I was surprised that I was in floods of tears. He may have realised then that I was finding it hard. The fact that he stuck by me last night really showed me that he knows.
The Wine substitute sounds AMAZING, I will be trying that for sure - and I like to feel fancy so its all about the wine glass for sure. At the moment, I am really appreciating the mornings that I wake up without a hangover. However, I am not sleeping well so bizarrely the effects seem similar - still waking up with headaches and tired skin. My body is changing a bit, I can see effects of increased food and late night eating but I can also see the effects of less alcohol already. And I can feel that running is easier.
I’m going to check in on the daily thread post. Wishing you all the best for the difficult month of January and warmth to you for responding to little old me who is only 10 days sober. I hope to jump on a zoom call soon and meet some people <3
@Freckles I’m so glad to hear that it is is helpful to read these responses! I know it helps me as well. Right now I am on Day 44. However, I would say my sober journey really began in September 2019 when I took off a month and half from drinking. After that I kept it pretty moderate with long breaks in between until the pandemic hit. And then I just kind of let loose in lock down, thinking that allowing myself to drink was making things easier. It wasn’t. I soon was out of control and really drinking all the time. June 1st I stopped again with a purpose, and I have been primarily alcohol free since then but was drinking about once a month. Again, I thought it was ok…until Thanksgiving came around and I binged. So that is my official sober date, and I am feeling much more committed than all the other times. I wanted to share the ups and downs because something I have found from my own experiences and reading about others is that sobriety is not always a linear path. I messed up, I tricked myself into thinking I could drink in moderation. I was really disappointed in myself to discover that I didn’t have that capability. Like many others, I felt guilt. But now when I look back and how far I’ve come since September 2019, I see how much I’ve grown instead of the mistakes. I’ve tried to learn from each time I gave back in to alcohol so that it won’t have as much power over me as I move forward.
This time around I have a renewed sense of commitment and have decided to be more active in my sobriety. That is why I started posting every day on the “Checking In Daily” thread that I suggested. I also gave up marijuana, which I had been using periodically and then increasing my use while I was abstaining from alcohol. I realized that I was just replacing my addition and that it was a big reason why I would slip back into drinking. I know people have different experiences with weed, but for me I realized it was becoming detrimental so I had to stop. This has helped me stay clear headed and on track with not drinking.
I hope that you are able to keep the lines of communication open with your boyfriend. I know it can be difficult to do because not only are we coming to terms with our own relationship with alcohol, we are also having to articulate it for another person. If you feel sad or confused and not sure what to say, I think it’s ok to just express that. Something I realized is that my boyfriend wanted to support me in not drinking but that he was also kind of in denial about how bad it was for me. And that is understandable. He didn’t want to label me an alcoholic just as much as I didn’t want to identify myself that way. Early on I approached it as – I’m not drinking today and this is the best choice for me. Then it doesn’t feel like this end-all-be-all situation. It’s just moment by moment. But the more moments that add up, the more it is clear that abstaining from alcohol is the right thing to do for me.
I absolutely love creating fancy non-alcoholic beverages! Sometimes it is as simple as a flavored seltzer with lime juice or N/A bitters, and other times it can get really fancy. It’s nice to create something that feels special. I completely understand, as I’m sure many others here do as well, the impact on sleep after quitting drinking. Be sure to hydrate a lot and be kind to yourself as your body adjusts. I also recommend exercising, and it sounds like you already are a runner so that is great. Meditation and yoga are other key parts of my life that have helped with staying sober. And hobbies. Just lots of hobbies!! Sometimes I watch a YouTube tutorial and follow along with how to draw something, or I tackles a complicated recipe or something new even if it is time consuming. Distracting myself from wanting to drink while also creating something I can be proud of is a great feeling.
I wish you the best as well! I really feel like we are all in this together, so I’m always here for a chat 
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“Again, I thought it was ok…until Thanksgiving came around and I binged. So that is my official sober date” - I love reading on here that you never lose your sober days… just your sober date changes, which I love.
You sound amazing - I am also a big hobby person, I am a yoga teacher infact but the pandemic hasn’t allowed me to work much because I don’t enjoy online classes, I like to be physically present with students. But I start my new day job next week so I think that will definitely help my focus and distraction. Playing my guitar has helped to!
Thanks for everything. I will try the drinks, and I’m enjoying the Sober Girls podcasts, and following accounts on Instagram, just for added help! but weary of IG as there is so much alcohol marketing on there too.
Its so interesting - this label of ‘alcoholic’ is so stigmatised. I wasn’t comfortable with it and neither was he. Its just about ‘im not drinking today and thats the right decision for me’. I have been so surprised at his support. So surprised. It must mean that it did affect him. But I’m sad that i’ve been so anxious the last 9 days. I really hoped I could show him how much better no alcohol me was!
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