I am not sure if I’m using this right but hi all! I’m pleased to join this community. I gave up drinking last year for two months and during that time only good things came into my life. I have a problem with binging, I’ve woken up in ambulances, in towels in strange tents, in cars, with strangers and I need to stop but I’m scared of how to do this permanently. I’ve read some amazing books on sobriety. My issue is that it’s not that I drink regularly (it might be once a week) or even once a fortnight, but when I do - I drink to black out. I can almost never have just 2 or 3 bit sometimes I can because I know I have work the next day. But really my desire is to keep going. When I do, I drink on an empty stomach and I black out. After doing this 30-40 times, I’m worried that I’ll finally do something awful to wreck my good career or good relationship. I’m worried that my boyfriend won’t support me because he does like us drinking wine together and I don’t think he wants to make a meal out of my habit of blacking out which he just thinks is because i get excitable. Maybe I need him to see it as the dangerous habit that I see it as. Thanks all for listening, sorry if I’ve posted this incorrectly. Love Freckles x PS anyone mainly struggle with red wine? That’s my binging drink. I can’t binge on beer but red wine is my sugar
Thank you so much. I really like what you say about just take it for that day you will not drink and then practice that each day. I understand that to be the mantra. I feel scared that I won’t be accepted by family who will laugh if I tell them I think I have a problem (because I don’t drink much around them but I do a little bit) they don’t know about this so I feel almost like I need to “come out”. I can tell this community will be helpful. Any tips on coming out to partners or family would be amazing. My mom has an eating disorder and she gets jealous and competitive if we cut things out so she may starve herself more if I tell her I’m taking steps to protect my own health, that’s what happened as a teenager so now in my late 20s I’ve never been able to come out about it. I will though it’s time!
Welcome Freckles.
Our addiction to alcohol or any DOC is so fucking powerful. Look how powerful it is with you in your own words. 
”I gave up drinking last year for two months and during that time only good things came into my life.”
Yet we still think we can drink.
Addiction is Satans finest work and I don’t believe anyone can over come addiction by themselves. We all need help fighting that bastard. There is a great bunch of people willing to help in this forum. I will try and copy and paste some resources for you to look at.
My wife and I drank together a really long time. My poison. And it is poison. Was a nice bottle of Cabernet. So I get the wine thing. Wifey and I had a good talk almost a year ago when I told her how serious I was to committing to my sobriety. She has been very supportive. But she still drinks. I’m only responsible for my sobriety.
One day at a time.
Think of all that you have to be grateful for when you’re not drinking and write it down every day. There’s a gratitude thread on here. You’ll see me there every single morning for the past 366 days. I have some much to be grateful for and I write it down every morning. Puts me in a great frame of mind for the day.
Sorry if I’m so long winded. Just reached my one year sobriety here and it’s such a blessing. I guess I’m a little hyped up 
Hi Freckles - glad you’re here! I’m only 2 days in (which I do on a regular week - it’s going to be days 4, 5, 6 that will be my challenge). I completely understand what you mean about coming out to your family as either they don’t see it now, won’t believe you, bring out challenges with your mother. But believe me people know. I thought I hid it… then my sister confronted me and told me that she has decided not to hang around me if I’ve been drinking. I thought I had it only visible to others as I have a few drinks and that’s it, but they see right through me. Also, my reason for drinking every night started as it was something nice to do with my husband. That landed me here, as it was my excuse. Lastly you cannot be held responsible for how your mother reacts. She is going through her own challenges and maybe there’s a silver lining out there where you both can come out stronger at the end, but you need to focus on your health and your safety first and foremost. Hope to see you around more on here!
I would tell them the truth. The humble amazing truth is what we’ve been avoiding with our booze. It will set you free. I know that sounds cliche.
But it’s the truth. My kids were both addicts and until I learned.
I didn’t cause it.
I can’t control it.
I can’t cure it.
I was codependent on their behavior. That behavior of walking around my house on egg shells was destroying me mentally and physically. Same goes for your mother. It can be really tough when it’s a mother or child when you have to set boundaries to take care of yourself. But after awhile I had no choice but to do it for me.
Hi Freckled and welcome! I have freckles too - red hair - so I’m in good company here.
Laura (above) has made some really good points, and the other posters have too. I’ll just add this:
Webs of dysfunction are very, very common in addiction. Often we got into our addictions by accident because when we were teens we found something that let us escape the pain or embarrassment or shame we felt about something or some people close to us. The addiction numbs the shame, but when we decide to get sober the shame and pain is still there.
I am not saying any of this to assign blame. That’s not what this is about. It’s just to say that what you’re going through now is very, very common and as you work your sobriety one day at a time (“ODAAT”), and start unpacking your addiction through engaging with support groups or other places for addiction recovery support, you will start to see your history and your life more clearly. You’ll understand more about where you came from, and that will give you a fuller picture of yourself as a person.
As Laura said though, it all starts with one day at a time. Don’t dwell in the past - it’s past; don’t worry about tomorrow - it hasn’t happened yet. All you have is today, and all you have to say to yourself is you’re not drinking today.
If it helps in those moments where you’re visiting or around others, carry some fizzy water like Perrier around with you. Or bring a container of juice you made and say you’re on a “detox”. That kind of excuse gives you a convenient reason to decline any drink offers & you can use it anytime you think it will help.
@Freckles you need to get rid of this dangerous habit, for yourself. Don’t worry about what others will say. It does not matter. Just tell people that you do not drink anymore. End of story. If they need a reason you can choose to tell them the truth (if they are close to you and you trust them) or just make up an excuse - trying to lose weight, trying not to kill any more brain cells, trying to improve your complexion or maybe even your religious and philosophical beliefs. Earlier when I am bored I just tell everyone a diffent story. Now I just tell them the truth.
There are 2 quotes from Tyrian Lannister in Game of thrones which might be relevant -
“Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.”
“Let them see that their words can cut you and you’ll never be free of the mockery. If they want to give you a name take it make it your own. Then they can’t hurt you with it anymore.”
You will find a lot of helpful and supportive people in this forum. Best of luck 
Thank you so much - this is so great and well done for 1 year - that is amazing. I will aim for 1 week, 1 month first with daily gratitude. Thanks a lot
Amazing thank you. I’ve screenshotted these quotes for my bedroom wall. So grateful to you all for these messages and taking the time
This is so helpful Laura! Yes get the days under my belt and then feel the authenticity when I say what I am doing. That’s my fear, the common thoughts of Negation. Of “what will I lose, what will they lose” but really it is what will I GAIN and I only need to take it one day at a time to just record that. I told my boyfriend and he said he supports me on this community. I didn’t say it was a long term thing just that I needed to stop the blackouts because at some point I’m going to wake up and have done something really bad. It is amazing to think that I could NOT have that worry. I’m already concerned about seeing his friends when lockdown ends as the longer I go without drinking the more likely I am to hit the “fuck it” switch and after two beers, I’ll wake up with no memory of the hours that transpired. I’ll have to ask my partner to tell me and I’ll notice that we’ve been intimate. It scares me the amount of times I’ve been in a blackout when we have been intimate but somehow I know that drunk sex was “easier” and “less scary, less exposing, less likely to be painful”. So I keep doing it. And I feel attractive and attracted. Without alcohol sometimes I don’t know if I know how to fancy someone and be fancied!
Anyway one day at a time - thank you, you lovely lot.
Thanks Matt, fellow freckler! Will think about all these things and ODAAT is definitely the best thing I can do. Can I ask What do you look forward to after a long working week? I am a yoga teacher (side hustle) so I do understand that there are other ways to relax that aren’t alcohol but after a long working week in my main job, I do find that a large glass of red wine keeps me going as a exercise on all days of the week except that day I have the binge. I will find my replacements. Is low alcohol wine allowed? Or maybe I’ll have to switch to Ribena in a wine glass and build the association!
Hi Freckles you remind me of someone.
Me
I used to drink in a binge to the point of blackout, and only do it once a week or so,
I used to only binge vodka, jagermeister, tequila you know stuff that took a little to pack a hard punch. Wash it down with beer
Being selective of what I drank, became I drank to blackout daily, whatever the drink whatever the cost. Taste was no longer important, getting the effect was. It worked until it didn’t work anymore.
Its hard for families to often accept the addiction, but your struggling to accept it yourself, you need to deal with your matters first, the rest comes in time, addiction runs in families, in your case your moms eating disorder, it takes many shapes and forms and grips on to you. Sinks its teeth in, and takes over.
Your boyfriend should respect your decision, if he can see you cant drink wine in a moderation. Then he needs to accept that as who you are, we always fear the worst response from those we care about, regarding our addiction truth is they already know, and often are more supportive than you think
Hi Freckles. I was a weekend binge drinker also. For a very long time. I found myself in all kinds of dangerous and humiliating positions at the end of a binge. I didn’t drink during the week. I didn’t drink at home. It was a social Friday night/ Saturday night “blow some steam off” habit I got into in my twenties and never understood how unhealthy and unattractive it was as I carried that practice into my 40’s.
I stopped drinking six and a half years ago. Best thing I did. I didn’t make announcements about quitting. Many of my friends did not think I had a drinking problem because they drank like I drank. They encouraged me to keep drinking. There are people who will always encourage you to keep drinking.
This is about you. If you want to quit, you have to do it for you. If it bothers other people, you need to recognize how screwed up they are and just keep on your path.
It took a long time for me to find other ways to relax. But I did. It also took a long time for me to understand that there were things in me I needed to work on and fix. Sobriety shines a clear harsh light on underlying issues. Fix what’s under the hood.
I never wanted one drink, I wanted twelve. One drink is my gateway to twelve. For me it was all or nothing. If I can justify one drink, I’m done. There’s no stopping my ability to rationalize after that. So it’s NO drinks. No sips. No slips.
Waking up in a pool of my vomit, in a strangers bed, not knowing where my wallet is, not knowing what I said and did the night before, looking through my photos and texts to get clues from last nights binge are all history for me now. Thank god. I no longer wake up in terror for what I might have done and / or screwed up the night before.
Congrats on recognizing a problem. My advice is don’t worry about what others expect or want from you. You don’t have to explain yourself or justify trying to get healthy. Do this for you and just do it.
Hi @Freckles and welcome to this wonderful place! It has helped me a lot in my recovery and I am sure you will find the same support and friendliness here. 
Your post really touched me. Both the thing about your mum and your bf, that you have gotten into the habit of blackout sex, are so familiar to me! I would like to highlight two things. About your mum: you are feeling responsible for her. What she will do (harm herself with her ED. Btw my parents are both depressive chronic overeaters, so, I get you) as a reaction to your life choices. I 120% understand this and am working super hard in psychotherapy to break this unconscious belief myself, that we are responsible for another’s happiness/wellbeing etc. Because we are not, even though it feels so real! This might take a good long while to sink in for you, as it sounds you have, like me, been brought up learning that it’s your job to make sure others are ok and happy. But I want to let you know that it’s possible to live differently for us. 
The other thing that really spoke to me was your relationship with your bf. You guys sound super close and seem to have a deep relationship, which is wonderful. At the same time you’ve made a habit of sleeping together when you are in a blackout. This speaks of massive intimacy issues. Me and my man were at the same place the last few yrs of my drinking. I felt massive shame about not being able to engage with him sexually when not drunk and that I had to take a long break from it all once I got sober. I really had to reset myself. And so did he, after all, there are two (or more) ppl involved in sex, and if one party is not available, the other is also not engaging. So it is very likely your man will also have some soul searching to do, and that you both will together re-learn or re-develop all this. It’s not only your burden, your fault or your duty to function in bed. It’s your responsibility to fix your alcoholism, absolutely, but in my experience, where alcohol is involved to facilitate things in a relationship, there is work to be done by all involved in this relationship to make it whole and good again for everyone. I’m sorry if this all is uncalled-for or intrusive, but I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone with your experiences! And that it’s a worthy and wonderful path you’re embarking on.
Hope to read more from you soon! 
Hi Fury.
Thanks for your message. I continue to be blown away by the support of this community. I weirdly never ‘aimed’ at a blackout. It just happened. You are right that I need to accept it first myself, and then I can deal with the rest. One step at a time. My dad is a big drinker and my mom has anorexia - so anyone would think they would understand the genetic link - but theyre both in denial about their conditions and the ability for something to travel genetically like that. I think they’ve been fixated on the idea of me being highly functioning (in my career and my hobbies and academically) that I have this silly fear of shattering that.
Well done to you for what you are doing. You’re right that my friends may know more than I think, but I’m already getting a few “you’re not that bad…”
Hi @Faugxh, thanks for your lovely heartfelt message.
You are right - we are not responsible for our parents happiness and wellbeing.
Thank you for sharing about your relationships too. My boyfriend is amazing, we have only been together 1 year, but he loves me and clearly communicates a desire to want to continue to be with me. But it is interesting what you say about the fact it takes two to tango - that we both may need a reset to reengage. I know he has some sex shame around his desires, and I know I do too (I was closeted bi sexual for years), and still fantisize mainly about sex with women. I would get drunk and go to gay clubs searching for something. But we are open about our journeys in sex and our kaleidescope of desires and wants that we can explore together. And maybe this year, with my sobriety, may mark a time that we can better connect about these things as I approach 30 and him 40. This is so helpful too: “It’s your responsibility to fix your alcoholism, absolutely, but in my experience, where alcohol is involved to facilitate things in a relationship, there is work to be done by all involved in this relationship to make it whole and good again for everyone.”
I know this to be true. I know that I sometimes struggle with commitment, doubts and fears in my relationship and I use alcohol to feel amazing. When I need to create that feeling through other things.
I am inspired by you all! Thank you for your support, I cannot wait to keep waking up sober, without searching through my phone for clues of what I might have done last night, and finding out I’ve binge eaten everything in the fridge so I have to replace all the food. Gosh, a new light. Happy Sunday x
Hi @Alliecat. Thanks for your message, we sound very similar too.
“Waking up in a pool of my vomit, - (BEEN THERE) in a strangers bed (BEEN THERE) not knowing where my wallet is (AND PHONE RIGHT?) not knowing what I said and did the night before, looking through my photos and texts to get clues from last nights binge (THE FRIDGE, HOUSE, BANK ACCT)… are all history for me now.”
I am so so pleased that there is another side to this. I listened to a podcast today where a woman said some really simple things, but which resonated and they were “no one is forcing me to do this to myself. I was choosing to go out, blackout and lose everything and wake up with intense anxiety about what I migth have done, texting all my friends to work out who I’d pissed off etc.”
It it OUR choice. In the same way that I believe it is my choice over whether to have a baby or whether to go workout. It is my choice what I put in my body and I don’t need to justify it to anyone else that I am getting healthy. This month may be easier, but I know it’ll get harder as the months roll on.
I have signed up to a few podcasts and I am ordering a few books (I’ve already read the Unexpected Joy of and Glorious Rockbottom) I would love any more recommendations on documentaries or books or tips.
I would also love some mocktail recipes to try as I really want to have a lovely alternative 
And I suppose when bars open up again I would like to pick a bar for the good non-alcoholic alternatives
Hi, I am exactly the same way, I always thought the way I drank, black out and empty stomach I was alone! Thank u for sharing! We can do this one day at a time
I use to drink vodka straight.almost every night of the week.i use to get either a pint an a half or an fifth.I would usally blac out once i drink a little more than a pint an a half.i had to rely on wat the people who was around me that night would tell me i done.i use to hate it.didn’t want to believe wat the people was telling me but i had no choice.yet I would do it again night after night thinking I would be able to handle it better.
Go with the Ribena - no regrets with Ribena, and no risk of going too far. 
The wine is not what you are looking forward to. The numbness is what you are after. The escape. I don’t mean to be unkind in what I’m saying here. I just mean to be crystal clear: alcohol is not something you want. It’s just an escape hatch you use to run away from life, and you’ve been doing it for so many years you’ve forgotten (or maybe never learned) that there are other ways to manage stress, ways which are healthy and not destructive.
Our culture (and our minds) tends to romanticize wine, or whatever drug or behaviour we use to numb ourselves. It’s got lots of “cute” catch-phrases (“wine o’clock”), we think of it as a “reward”. Meanwhile we agonize over the very things you put in the title to this thread: blackouts, assault, and humiliation.
You have a deep reservoir of wisdom, courage, and determination. I am sure you are at the beginning of a very significant journey of self-discovery here. I know you will learn a great deal about yourself and what you want and need, and how to speak and act in healthy ways for what you need.
The first and most important thing is to be sober today. Just be sober today. Let yourself heal. Read about sobriety. Participate in groups, online or in person, as appropriate - there are many options on these two threads:
Online meeting resources
Resources for our recovery
As you work your recovery, your life will become clearer. And it will be good.
Prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions. You’ve been burying them for years. They will come up. It’s ok. Cry, be angry, be joyful, be every shade of emotion, sober, and know that for the first time ever, you are feeling them fully - and that is beautiful, and it is good.
Take care Freckles and keep checking in