It is a bit strange that I don’t really know myself the way I am now… neither drunk nor hungover
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I get that – took a while to start seeing the “real” me and I am still unfolding a lot of me. It is amazing what unfolds when we start hiding behind the addiction. Be patient with yourself and remember that you are awesome - enjoy the journey of reconnecting with yourself 
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I feel excited about the future… maybe not excited… just calm, safe… like I know that everything will be fine, maybe even great… all I need to do is to stay sober.
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Maybe being sober is really the only thing we need to do… the only condition
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I like that thinking and YES – without it everything else falls apart. So we start with sober and build on it. I am happy to hear that you are feeling calm and safe… its a blessed feeling 
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It really is 
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I meant it in the sense of getting through life. On my own, I struggle. With my AA and TS friends, I have gone7191 days without a drink, and most of those were days of success and serenity. At the end of my drinking, I had no idea how to stop or how to live without booze. And I was completely on my own.
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Soon 20 years Dan! And you are still counting days! Do you wonder sometimes who would you be now if you didn’t stop drinking then? I think about it wondering who would I be now if i did stop 5 years ago… that was when I reached my lowest… and it took me 5 years to accept that I DO NOT have control over my drinking, until only recently I still thought I do…
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At the company holiday party this week, I wound up trying to convince a 29 year old to let my boss and I get her a room or an Uber or drive her home. She was word slurring, falling down drunk. And yet, like many of us, was still convinced she was ok to drive herself, and still slick enough to duck out the back door of the place where we were to go off in search of her car. I told her, without too many details, that I had been exactly in the same situation, and had made similar poor decisions in the past.
Losing track of the strength and number of drinks a time or two, that is different from slamming down the number of drinks she did, the other signs of personal struggle she showed (possible ED, definite SH). I have to admit that my concern did move from “she is drunk” to “she is a drunk”. That’s from the bias of my lens.
She wound up driving off, and I wound up at the police station giving them her plate number and general direction of travel. When I contacted her at work the next day, she said she got home safe. I turned the whole thing over to HR, I may yet reach out one more time after her next meeting with HR tomorrow where she’ll be told that to attend the next event, she will be able to do so if she does not drink at all.
Her inability to form sentences, the drama with arguing with her boyfriend over Snapchat, her inappropriate declarations about sexual matters, her losing her balance, losing her keys that were on the bench next to her, these all immediately and forcefully brought me back to when I was 29 and drunk at work functions. My first attempt at sobriety was at 27, and it would be 18 years before I got to permanent sobriety. I really want to spare her that time in hell, while at the same time fully and deeply understanding that you cannot use logic on a practicing alcoholic, and that goes double for a drunk alcoholic. Dealing with her made it very clear to me that the time I have sober, I owe that to the moment of grace and spiritual contact I experienced during my last arrest. That moment remained with me enough to get me to comply with the restrictions I was put under to stay sober, enough to get me to start to build my sobriety rather than just block my active drinking. Dealing with her, I know that my duty is not so much to save anyone, my duty is to stay sober and available and to help someone who wants help. I will reach out one more time to say something like “I used to be a pretty bad drunk, but I’ve been sober and happy for a while now. I know that you have a lot going for you, things are going well in lots of ways for you. If you want to, you can ask me about how to be sober and happy.”
I’m not exactly counting days now, but I still check the tracker a time or two a week to see if any cool number combinations are coming up. I went to bed sober last night, and I have concrete plans to do that again today.
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Thank you for sharing the story, yes I was there too, waking up next day so very embarrassed of myself or even worse not remembering things… then I withdrew myself almost completely from social events, drinking only when home and preferably alone…
Moment of grace and spiritual contact you experienced… could you share it Dan? Only if you don’t mind
Congrats on 5 days, I am almost 2 days in without alcohol. The withdrawals have been very rough. The headaches and nausea I can handle, the pain in my body and chest has been harder. I am trying to make it stick this time.
Welcome Lara and thank you… its actually 26 days here for me today. I know you are not feeling well, but it will get better and easier xxx
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Im not an expert at all but I know medical help is needed sometimes, sometimes it is actually necessary, maybe you should get some help?
congrats on your 5 days. Like Blanka said, sometimes we do need medical attention when we quit and go through detox. Please seek medical help if the pain continues or gets worse.
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Driving on a dirt road on my “circuit”, the way to stretch my drive home from work from 25 minutes out to 3 hours. 6:00 pm on a Thursday, working on my 9th beer of the drive. Thinking I would have to finish this one and head over to the town library to pick up my kid from scouts.
I stop on a lonely bend in the road and get out to pee. Get back in the car and head around the bend and down the hill. It looks to my muddled mind like an apocalypse of cops - there were probably only three cop cars on the road, all with their blue lights turning. Playing it cool, I check my speed, my rearview and see a pickup there - when did that turn up? Anyway, just ease past the cops and I’ll be golden. No such luck - the pickup drops back and one of the cops turns out of the driveway he was parked in and pulls in behind me. I pull the car over, take a drag off my cigarette and wait.
The cop leaves his car and starts walking the 15 yards up to my door. Time slows down, then stops. I seemed to be hovering above my car, looking down through the roof. Cop frozen in midstride, I can see myself with hands on the wheel. I hear a voice saying very distinctly “It’ll be all right, Dan. You’ll be able to stop drinking now.” I feel wind rushing by my head as I zoom back down into my body. Time starts again, the cop continues walking up to the car and so begins my 7th or 8th arrest, this time for my 5th DUI.
I felt calm and at peace throughout the arrest (even though I refused to answer any questions and was as contrary as I could be without catching a resisting or judicial interference charge), throughout the ride to the holding tank, through the night and up to the arraignment in the morning.
I became aware of the event, clearly recalling it, about 2 years later. It stayed in my subconscious until I was able to remember it. I am convinced, to this day, that everything is gonna be alright.
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Thank you, loved reading it… And did you just stop drinking then?
That was April 7 2005. That was my last drink.
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Moment of grace…xxx
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27 days, tomorrow 4 weeks sober! Massive shift in my mood today and it wasn’t even easy day… very long and hectic day at work, later planning Christmas shopping and realising that my finances are… lets be honest… limited. Kinda day that would have made me feel irritated and anxious before, that would have made me buy bottle of wine and drink it on empty stomach as soon as I was back home. Not today! I was so calm and composed, laughing a lot, full of energy, so positive… unrecognisable to myself
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