We’ve all felt ashamed and small. I never felt smaller than I did after my last bender. That sorrowful look in my wife’s eye…I decided in that moment that I would never drink again.
And I haven’t. The good news is, I will never have to feel that shame again. I won’t drink, because I don’t drink. I became a non-drinker.
Hi and welcome! First, good for you for trying something new. There is a well used phrase ‘nothing changes if nothing changes’.
There is so much information and support on this forum. This is a really helpful collection of threads Frequently asked questions about sobriety for newcomers
As has been said, read lots, read some more. Find all the stuff you can relate to. Keep checking in and reach out whenever you need to 
I would also say, this is a sobriety forum and we avoid talking about using here. If you are under the influence, you have to opt in to the seeking help category and post there as talking about using can be very difficult for people who are struggling.
I fully understand, thank you
Leave the ego with the cans and the coke.
I appreciate your words mate, no need for apologies
For me that feeling was humility. It sure felt like shame at first but it wasn’t. It was the first feeling I needed to start my journey of recovery.
What you will find here is support but with that support comes honesty that ppl that have just not by talked the talk but also have walked the walk we have 2 ears and one mouth for a reason, All the best.
Yes! Same!
Yes. First dont decide to have a blow out. Just don’t. There is no reason to. If you have decided now to stop then stop. You said first thing on your list is triggers?? First thing on your list is to stop. Don’t worry about triggers. They will come. They will happen. For the rest of your life. The only thing you need to be doing Is having a long hard conversation with you self to decide if you are going to decide to stop. It does not sound like you are ready… Having a blow out does not help. I’ve done that. Hundreds of times. And it never changes. You need to find your “why” . Why you are getting clean. And mean it. The rest is just doing the daily work of getting through the day because of your why… Find your why and you will find intention and clarity 
Well… If it makes you feel any better… Many of us have relapsed many times. You can nip this in the bud! This is a great community! I can’t personally speak on cocaine… Only anecdotally.
My bartender friends who have dealt with coke for years are a wreck! Anxiety, depression, guilt… It’s not worth it! You have a ton of life to live! Don’t put yourself through the ringer waiting on a bag! Additionally, dealers aren’t your friends! They are co dependent. See how fast they disappear when you stop buying. Just saying.
Take care of yourself 
He didn’t and he flushed the stuff.
This is great. You feel ashamed, but instead of feeding your ego and going full defense, you are humble and listen to advice. This is simply wonderful and gives me hope for your future. Good luck Ben, see you around
He told you this privately?
No it was posted above and already talked about.
I think you should reconsider the blow out, it only takes one time. I suppose if you already have it on hand its difficult to throw away. Just be careful, you have so much to give. Keep talking to your girlfriend, be open and honest. Us ‘partners’ can accept a lot if there are no more lies. Lies and deceit hurts us more than the truth as it betrays the trust. You will need a lot of support at this time and family and friends worth their weight in gold will try and give it as much as they can. Good luck, hope it all works out and you and your girlfriend look forward to a new future together 
I saw he said he “flushed the gear” but I thought that only meant that he threw away his tools like a razor blade and a straw. Okay then, I’ll move on. Thanks!
I think we might’a scared him away? I hope not… @Bgs Ben, we are here for you when ever you are ready. Please stay with us, the folks here all just want to help you. Sending you strength and peace my friend.
I really like these kind of posts, so much good advise in one thread. It helps me too as a reasonable newbie in sobriety land.
@Bgs, welcome and hope to see more of you on here!
@Bgs Hello mate, whether you decided to have your final blowout or not is irrelevant… you don’t even have to mention it.
What I will say though is that if you did or even if you didn’t, you know that now’s the time to delete all dealers numbers, come off social media where you can contact the dealers, disassociate yourself with mates who sniff gear and bask in the support and love your partner clearly has for you… A lot of people would have not been so understanding so let’s work on that one mate.
You clearly want to stop in my opinion, you just don’t know the best path. You need to move onto that first step of day one totally clean, break it down into manageable chunks and start your life again brother.
Steve