We’ve all felt ashamed and small. I never felt smaller than I did after my last bender. That sorrowful look in my wife’s eye…I decided in that moment that I would never drink again.
And I haven’t. The good news is, I will never have to feel that shame again. I won’t drink, because I don’t drink. I became a non-drinker.
Hi and welcome! First, good for you for trying something new. There is a well used phrase ‘nothing changes if nothing changes’.
There is so much information and support on this forum. This is a really helpful collection of threads Frequently asked questions about sobriety for newcomers
As has been said, read lots, read some more. Find all the stuff you can relate to. Keep checking in and reach out whenever you need to 
I would also say, this is a sobriety forum and we avoid talking about using here. If you are under the influence, you have to opt in to the seeking help category and post there as talking about using can be very difficult for people who are struggling.
I fully understand, thank you
Leave the ego with the cans and the coke.
I appreciate your words mate, no need for apologies
For me that feeling was humility. It sure felt like shame at first but it wasn’t. It was the first feeling I needed to start my journey of recovery.
What you will find here is support but with that support comes honesty that ppl that have just not by talked the talk but also have walked the walk we have 2 ears and one mouth for a reason, All the best.
Yes! Same!
Yes. First dont decide to have a blow out. Just don’t. There is no reason to. If you have decided now to stop then stop. You said first thing on your list is triggers?? First thing on your list is to stop. Don’t worry about triggers. They will come. They will happen. For the rest of your life. The only thing you need to be doing Is having a long hard conversation with you self to decide if you are going to decide to stop. It does not sound like you are ready… Having a blow out does not help. I’ve done that. Hundreds of times. And it never changes. You need to find your “why” . Why you are getting clean. And mean it. The rest is just doing the daily work of getting through the day because of your why… Find your why and you will find intention and clarity 
Well… If it makes you feel any better… Many of us have relapsed many times. You can nip this in the bud! This is a great community! I can’t personally speak on cocaine… Only anecdotally.
My bartender friends who have dealt with coke for years are a wreck! Anxiety, depression, guilt… It’s not worth it! You have a ton of life to live! Don’t put yourself through the ringer waiting on a bag! Additionally, dealers aren’t your friends! They are co dependent. See how fast they disappear when you stop buying. Just saying.
Take care of yourself 
He didn’t and he flushed the stuff.
This is great. You feel ashamed, but instead of feeding your ego and going full defense, you are humble and listen to advice. This is simply wonderful and gives me hope for your future. Good luck Ben, see you around
For me that would be to remember that there will be good days and bad days. To remember that if you fall that you need to get right back up and continue on. Sitting on the ground (figuratively) and thinking about how I’ve failed or messed up will be no good.
There’s a lot that I wish I’d known but that’s a big one. I’m glad you decided not to have your blow out and in glad you’ll stick around here for a while. We all want you to succeed, whihh is why some people have been so upfront with you. You’re the only one who can do it for you, but you’re about to start on a road that others here have already traveled, and the best they can do to help is to give advice.
So welcome, and here’s to a new you. 
He told you this privately?
No it was posted above and already talked about.
I think you should reconsider the blow out, it only takes one time. I suppose if you already have it on hand its difficult to throw away. Just be careful, you have so much to give. Keep talking to your girlfriend, be open and honest. Us ‘partners’ can accept a lot if there are no more lies. Lies and deceit hurts us more than the truth as it betrays the trust. You will need a lot of support at this time and family and friends worth their weight in gold will try and give it as much as they can. Good luck, hope it all works out and you and your girlfriend look forward to a new future together 
I saw he said he “flushed the gear” but I thought that only meant that he threw away his tools like a razor blade and a straw. Okay then, I’ll move on. Thanks!
I think we might’a scared him away? I hope not… @Bgs Ben, we are here for you when ever you are ready. Please stay with us, the folks here all just want to help you. Sending you strength and peace my friend.
I really like these kind of posts, so much good advise in one thread. It helps me too as a reasonable newbie in sobriety land.
@Bgs, welcome and hope to see more of you on here!