So, I am talking with my (what I call) boyfriend, and tonight will be my second night away from him due to him needing space after my last relapse. He is telling me he doesn’t know what to do anymore because he is “tired of the same old shit.” I want so badly for him believe in me the way I believe in myself this time, but I know it isn’t that easy. Any advice on how to handle a SO’s doubts or them wanting space? I am feeling really upset about this. 
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I’m not in the same relationship situation - not dating; I am married, and that has taken work to maintain, but it’s worth it - but my advice would be that the kind of trust you want is at least four steps in - in my experience you have to do:
- self-awareness (recognize there’s a problem - this takes effort & you need to reflect & journal and catalogue what specific problems are caused by your addiction)
- self-care (work your recovery, for yourself - build your recovery toolkit, join meetings or find another recovery community, hold yourself accountable, fearlessly; also care for your body & your mind; develop your health)
- trustworthiness (this is the result of the self-awareness and self-care: you will find you are following through on commitments, and you are being generally stable and reliable)
- trust (which is a result of some time of you being trustworthy)
You have to do the first three before anyone will trust you. There’s no shortcut. Think of it this way: would you want him to stay with you in a relationship where he felt he was carrying all the weight? Where he was feeling resentment? Or would you want him to stay with you because you are both growing and facing life together? You can have that - but you have to focus on yourself and your sobriety first (right now it sounds like you’re focused entirely on him - which is usually a problem in early sobriety).
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You may be feeling afraid of losing him - do you feel that? (I may be wrong - let me know if I am.) That’s normal. It’s scary. But look deep. You are not well. You need to be healthy. You need to learn and grow stronger. You don’t know how to do it yet but you can learn. And if you try to keep him without building your sober foundation, you will always live with that fear. Imagine yourself in sobriety: calm, confident, with tools to help you manage triggers. When you get to that calm, stable state, then you will be calm and stable with your partner - because you choose to be (and not because you’re afraid of not being good enough)
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Maybe you could try an AA meeting; everyone there started out wanting what you want. Lots of online meetings…
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Yes, I had this same problem. Best advice I got was lead by example and let my actions do the talking. Wife at the time took the kids and everything else except a couch and my clothes from the house I hadn’t paid rent on.
I went to 180 meetings in 180 days, got a sponsor, worked the recovery program as closely as I could. To show people I meant business, I got down to business.
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I agree and I will also add that if @FutureMrsBlythe doesn’t sober herself it will never be sobriety that will last. You’ve gotta want it for you. Not to keep him. You can’t stay sober like that.
If you don’t stay sober you still won’t have him in the end anyways. It’s a double edged sword.
The person I am today can be loved and doesn’t need love. I love myself today and enjoy my own company. I take myself out to movies and sushi alone and I enjoy my own company. Never had that before. My relationship resolved itself. When I overcame myself.
It’s an internal disease. It’s an internal solution.
Nothing external can solve your problem.
Additionally trust is one of many things we can’t force.
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I appreciate all of your input. I tend to associate him with my sobriety because my relationship with my family (where I’m living currently because of our breakup) is rocky and I don’t have healthy, meaningful friendships because of such long term alcohol use. He’s really the only person I’m content being 100% sober around for any given time and so it’s easy to be when I’m with him. This last year I’ve either fallen asleep next to him or fallen asleep drunk at a friend’s house. It’s hard to sleep sober and alone. I promise you all that this is something I do want for myself, but am learning how to deal with loneliness and triggers. I’m so ready to have some sober time under my belt, cause quite frankly, I’m tired of this shit too. sigh
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Reach to a higher power of your understanding. Ask for the comfort you felt when you were with him. Ask for peace in your heart. Ask for his love to be with you.
Try to remember the pain you feel is fear. Fear that this love you feel could be lost.
You have that love with you or you wouldn’t feel fear of losing it. That fear only proves that you have it. Take that love that you have and embrace it within. Allow it to comfort you as he did when he was physically present. Love is far more than physical presence. It’s spiritual and emotional. It is yours to keep as long as you like or need it.
I have family who have passed away and I continued to keep they’re love because it’s mine to carry as long as I like or need. I have 2 children that are not in my life for reasons now beyond my control. I keep there love with me always. I’ve learned to keep many loves. They are mine. I’m not in fear that they will be taken. They are well protected in my heart.
I laid my head on a pillow alone for 10 years in prison. I fell asleep in the comfort of those I love. I was alone but the love was with me.
I’m not sure this will make your night any easier.
Remember that fear is not the same as love. You can chose which one you prefer to keep. Keeping them both is what hurts.
Just an idea. I’m not a therapist or a counselor.
So these are just ideas that have worked for me having been in your shoes.
You’ll be in my prayers. Good luck with your heart 
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Thank you so much. Your words and thoughts mean a lot. I will try and think of this as I try to fall asleep. Hopefully I’ll wake up feeling better about my situation! 
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It’s totally normal for a partner to need some time away. It may feel like you’re being abandoned but it is not their job to deal with our shit and time away will hopefully help him to heal and make you both stronger together.
Before I got sober i would apologize almost daily to people about my behaviour. One day someone said to me “The only real apology is a sustained change of behaviour” that one sentance singlehandedly saved my relationship.
If you want to change you CAN. I believe in you .
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That’s understandable. He is (at the moment) your strongest association with sobriety - and with self-respect. You don’t like being drunk, running from your life; you like being sober. (Welcome to the club!)
Yes. Please know that I am not trying to be unkind here - but he feels deeply alone too. He feels like he doesn’t know who you are. And he’s never going to believe what you say about who you want to be, until you do it with your behaviour. The only way for him to not feel alone, is after you know who you are, alone. Once you learn to love yourself, as yourself, then you can be a partner in a relationship. Working your sobriety will help you do that:
(You can do that too. It will take time and you have to it because it’s important to you. But you can do it. You deserve to be sober. You’re a good person, you matter, and you belong here.)
I believe you. There are loads of meeting options available online and recovery meetings is where you will learn how to do that. (Recovery can’t happen alone. We need to connect with others in recovery to learn how to be sober. We need to learn how, from people who have walked the path. There are many good options for recovery meetings.) Check these out:
Online meeting resources
Yep.
Keep checking in Autumn. You’re a good person, and you matter & you belong - no matter how discouraged you feel. You deserve a sober, happy life. Put in the effort and I swear you will find it. You will be scared and especially in early sobriety you will find lots of emotions bursting up. But join meetings, introduce yourself - the people are wonderful, you’ll be happy to meet them, they’ll welcome you - and work your sobriety. It’s yours if you want it 
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