I am married to a lovely man. I adore him, he’s my best friend. We met when I was 16 and he kept asking me out. I said no lots of times and told him he wasn’t my type. He asked me out as friends and the rest is history. He became my best friend before he became my partner. I’m 43 now. Since 17 I have always done different mind altering substances, with him in my life. We did recreational drugs together and sex was great. I stopped taking anything at all after finding out I was pregnant with my first born at age 21. Started wine/booze at 24 ish. Since I’ve become sober I just don’t want sex with my hubby. I’ve never fancied him and I now realise that during our 23 year marriage I’ve always had something in my system. He is such a good husband and a really good dad to both my boys and I’m so glad I married him. But I’m scared that our marriage will shatter if I don’t “perform”. Being sober makes these feelings surface. 
I’m not a horrible person, I’m a dutiful wife and mum. But I cannot just lay there and think of England… (pretend) … what do I do guys? Xx
No idea but I am interested to see others reponses.
That must be frustrating for both.
I’ll have to let you know on this one Blondie!
Since getting sober my sex drive has took a major dive. And I used to be up for it all the time. It used to cause problems because I’d get upset and be all resentful.
Now I’ve gone the other way completely. Not really interested, I am but meh! I’d rather go to sleep cuddling.
Idk how she feels as we haven’t talked about it but I guess it’s something both you and me need to talk with our partners about.
I’ve read that it can happen as part of PAWS.
Guess it’s a work in progress.
Thanks @anon12657779… I’m trying to keep it to myself. I know he wants it as he keeps making suggestions and comments. I get intimate with him and do “other things” just really do not want intercourse… god this is embarrassing 
I’m trying not to go into too much detail because of upsetting any sex addicts. I also don’t know how much of this is the no booze or me waking up as the girl I was at 16 and him just not being my type? It also didn’t help that when I was nursing my dying mum 50 miles away, he was looking after my lads 2 and 7 and he was sexing other women because he was lonely!! I love him but I just don’t want to throw this all away if it can be sorted, you know? Thanks for listening. Maybe we do just have to have the talk with our SO’s? 
xx
Well. Are you attracted to other people sexually?
Yes. And the ones I am attracted to couldn’t be more different I would never cheat on him. That’s why I wondering if I my marriage would survive. X
Thanks for your advice. I hate that I have this problem but you are right. I’m determined to continue on this sobriety path… I just have to learn to feel these feelings and be open and honest. It’s hard. Thanks for replying
Hey Sober Twin,
I feel your pain. Maybe have a talk with him and see if you can go to counseling or therapy to make it work for the lads? I was in a sexless relationship for many years. (I was the cause of that) there was a lot of resentment and I understood that. I had some things I had to get over. We recently welcomed a son. I am happy and glad I have him. Everyday is a new day with new challenges (or the same challenges) sometimes you need to reach out to others for help and advice (professionally and on here) if you try those things and it still doesn’t fix it or help things I would say move on and just be there for your kids hopefully he would too (as you say he’s a great Dad etc) You don’t have to stay together to raise children and in the end both of you being happy matters and will affect your relationship. I wish you all the best!
I will try and just let these feelings flow and as you say welcome them @RetainKing, thanks for your advice! @SobahCobra79 I think I’m going to try and get back into some counselling. My hub says he would come with me so maybe that will help. Thanks for listening, I was so worried about asking this question but I have no one that I could be so honest with in my life. I’m really glad you’re all out there. Thank you x
im can tottally say the way you two met blondie is so super adorable
reminds me of my significant other who finally called me yesterday.
she swore at me for about 10min
cried for about 3min
then her phone ran outta battery…
oh love
its all good
That’s what we are here for Sarah!
I believe that a marriage should not be based on sex, but it should be there to strengthen the marriage. Let’s say though that one of the spouses suffers a terrible tragedy leaving them crippled to the point where they can no longer have sex. Does the marriage fall apart? It shouldn’t.
Getting sober messes with people’s sex drives though. You can get through this.
I don’t know…but I’m in the process of finding out. I’ve never been able to have sex without having booze to losen me up. Without booze I just have zero interest in sex. Or, maybe it is that I have no interest in my husband. I don’t know. I do know that if my marriage were to end I have no interest in starting any other relationships.
By the way…sex is not your “duty” as a wife. Sex is a celebration , not a requirement.
Thank you. I feel like I am waking up for the first time in a long time. I’m looking at certain things in my life and thinking, how the hell did I get here etc. I agree that sex shouldn’t be the most important thing in a marriage. And I feel like a birch for not just ‘ getting on with it’. I’m just going to have to give myself time and realise that this is all part of the process. Xxx
This is just how I feel!!! Is it the sex or is it my husband!? I’ve always had something in my system when ever we have sex. It’s as scary as hell knowing that I’m doing it without booze. I’m so glad you feel the same. Thank you @VSue. It helps knowing that other people going through this get it.
@Blondie1x you are soooooo not alone on this! I am on day 11, after almost a month and then a restart and I so so feel you on this post. I am just not interested right now. My husband is great. He is supportive. Great father. But ever since I met him, pre-kids and after kids I always had something… give me booze and I am on fire. Sobriety is throwing a lot of water on that. I just… eh. Blah. I hope I get reinterested soon… I feel bad for my husband as I am the one who is changing. So much changes with sober eyes.
Please do not lay there and think of England. Last week it was a horny day and suggestions were made but by the time we got to bed and she said just get on with it. As a man I found this a complete turn off. Sex is a two way thing if my partner is not satisfied then the job has not been done properly, I would prefer that person to be honest and say I’m tied or not in the mood. Forget the word sex, you have sex with anyone, we should be making love when in a relationship. If neither of you are feeling loved then there are definitely some issues that talking could resolve. @anon12657779 Now you tell me. 
. TBH the older you get the less you base a relationship on sex, bed becomes a place to relax.
Married 30 years and live in what i would consider a sexless marriage, about 3-4 times since February. There have been many many therapists, discussions, books, etc. that will improve the things on her side but that lasts a month and back to normal nothing. A month or so back i said we should consider separation, i live in finished basement, she lives upstairs. Since this discussion we have gone out as friends, go out with our kids and that’s about it, she seems perfectly content with this. For me at age 50 the clock is ticking. I know there must be more to life then sexless marriage, living in basement, etc. I really crave a loving connection with a woman beyond friendship. Considering divorce, discussing with therapist this week.
It’s so great to know that you’re facing the same issues @Here.I.am like you say, it’s us that’s changing and not then. I think if we give it time and let our feelings come out we would then be able to talk to our partners about it. @Dolse71 I wouldn’t pretend/fake it as I wouldn’t want him to feel that way. We have so much love, we hug and cuddle up and stuff it’s just Ive no sexy feelings. I really don’t know if it’s because if this sobriety or if it’s my husband. Listening to what you guys are saying it’s not uncommon and I finally feel like I’m not going mad. I’m sorry to hear that you and your wife are so distant @Rob68 it sounds like you are doing all you can to deal with it. I am thinking we might give therapy a go. 30 years is a long time…I really feel for you and I’m sending you hugs x god this forum is great! All of us talking and helping each other through even though we’re all going through our own journeys…thanks guys xxx
Thanks @Fargesia_murielae. There is no lack of love for certain. I adore him, he is my world. I’m going to mention the counselling thing again to him, I don’t want my marriage to end but I don’t want to make him unhappy either? Thanks for listening x