This makes sense. He was quite down at the weekend and kept wanting hugs. He even cried a little when he told me he was down. I need to talk to him again. I knew he was missing sex but I never thought this would be on his mind. Thanks for the insight. If we get a bit of peace later I will let him know that he’s loved and that I’m 100% his xx thank you 
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So I’ve been following your thread but had no relevant experience to add but this comment stood out. I know that you are not feeling the attraction at the moment but you love him to bits so I’m sure that once you have discovered who you actually are now that you are sober I feel that you just may develop a new, genuine, unclouded attraction toward him.
You don’t mention how long you have been sober but I seen to remember that it is not a massive amount of time (correct me if I’m wrong) your brain may well still be balancing out chemically and you havn’t felt attraction without the aid of chemicals for so long if ever. It is likely to take a little time is all.
I’m sorry if any of that is way off the mark, it was Just some thoughts that came to mind after reading your post. 
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Hi @anon13078412. I have been sober nearly 82 days, it’s still early days. After reading everyone’s replies I’m thinking that time may well be the best option. I’m going to have a chat with him when I get chance and run some of this by him. Thanks for listening x
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Sarah,
Thanks for sharing and bringing such a great topic out in the open.
No, this is not triggerring. This is actually healing for me.
It is extremely common for people to not have desire for physical sex.
Some thoughts of mine. Marriages can survive without intercourse. But I also believe that healthy couples have healthy sex. And that may require some work.
I, myself, have been sexually anorexic with my wife. I’m also emotionally anorexic. So she has to put up with a lot.
But it is not my intention for me to keep it that way. In marriage, it’s important to me that I step out of my comfort zone to make her feel loved, and she does the same for me. Not that I’m forcing myself to do something that I don’t want, but if I know that if intercourse, and hugging, and quality time, and phone calls, and thoughtful gifts are going to make my wife feel loved and good, I’m going to take steps to move in that direction. I’m not just going to give up and say, "Oh well, I don’t like affection, so she’ll just have to live with it or get a divorce!
I’m looking hear what @Yoda-Stevie might think. He’s got some great insight on relationships.
A really good book about this topic is
Sexual Anorexia by Patrick Carnes
In fact, there are a number of sexual anorexics in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. In the sexual addiction community, sexual anorexia is regarded as just as unhealthy as sexual addiction.
And for me, when I’ve learned to put off the unhealthy, putting on the healthy still seems challenging and unknown. Thus, recovery doesn’t just stop at abstaining from our addictive behaviors.
My hope for the members here that are struggling with embracing their sexuality is to take steps to come out of their comfort zone and embrace the sexuality of their partners. That is the miracle of relationships and marriage.
Thanks again, Sarah, for bringing such a great topic to light.
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In my opinion your stuck in a paradoxical situation. I think you want a sexual relationship but just not with him because you don’t fancy him but at the same time do not want to be unfaithful to him by sleeping with someone you may find attractive.
This seems like a “sit down,we need to chat” moment
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It sounds like your sexual relationship was always accompanied by some sort of substance, so you’re creating an experience that’s not natural and of course now that you’re trying to become sober, sex is totally different. Sexual sobriety is something I’m learning to help me have real intimacy with my spouse, where orgasm is not the sole focus of our romantic connection. I think, like me, your intimacy is going to need time and practice, but you both need to be willing to commit to the practice and to one another. I myself am walking this path right now. I am a 30 year old male who’s spent more than half of his life being sexually immature, learning from media and others what sex is supposed to be.
I’m assuming sexing meant sexting but regardless, this behaviour is at least for my spouse and I, not acceptable. I was using porn and lied to myself telling myself that because it’s not physical it’s not cheating, but it is cheating. I cheated on my spouse with it and I had a relationship with it. I think therapy could be huge for you guys to help you be honest with each other, it’s not guaranteed to save your marriage, nothing is, but it is going to be a great step in the right direction. You’ll realize that there was so much you didn’t know about each other.
I think you owe it to your long standing relationship to pursue some therapy. For me it helped get stuff out in the open and taught us how to communicate effectively and be aware of our feelings!
Hopefully my two cents are valuable to you! You both sound like strong and committed people who deserve to be happy! Thank you for sharing, your story helps me in my own resolve.
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Hey @Blondie1x, I haven’t read your whole thread, so I apologize if this has been covered… You are 43? Have you considered this may also be estrogen related? As in a decrease in estrogen due to perimenopause. Just a thought as that was an issue for me when perimenopause started up.
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Sure it can but the real question is do you really love him?
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I really really do. He is a really good husband and he worships me and our boys. Xx
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That’s definitely something worth thinking about. I never even considered that it could be that. Xx
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Maybe get your hormones checked, see where you are at. Can’t hurt and might shed some light. 
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Have a sex brake for a while and see if your lust improves.
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There was a time when sexual attraction and romantic love had little to do with people getting married. Mates were chosen for practical reasons. Surprisingly, these marriages tended to last, because they weren’t built on something fickle like physical attraction
You both clearly respect and value each other. This is way more important than sexual desire. Is your husband complaining about a lack of sex? Is there anything he can do to make himself more attractive, like lose weight, give up a bad habit? Also, in early sobriety we are still getting to know our new selves.
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Thank you @Yoda-Stevie, we are an amazing team… which is why I don’t just want to do anything to drastic without considering everything. He doesn’t pester and says he will wait but every now and again whilst we’re hugging he will say things like… I’m so ready to make love to you or we can still be sensual without sex… but he can’t (I know this well from the past). I think I just need time. He has lost loads of weight over the last five years which is good. But he’s also ten years older than me and I think this plays apart in it too. I really appreciate your thoughtful words…xx
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Hm, I mean, the best thing you can do is just talk this out with him. See if you can reach some sort of agreement. Try new things that can satisfy the both of yah in a sexual manner. You mentioned about not going into details because it might trigger other brother’s and sister’s here. So I won’t get into details neither. So sit down with him, be honest and try to have an open mind to what he says. Nothing wrong with trying imo ^.^
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I think you’re right. Time for a proper conversation. I just need to let him know what’s going on. Thanks for the advice 
everyone has really helped and given me quite a bit to think about and to do to try and go forward with my husband. Xx
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Honesty is always good, especially tempered with your obvious respect and love for him. Together you can work on this and figure out what fulfills both of you.
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yes of course, marriage is about love in the first place. And when sex is not possible, for what reason you can imagine, love is the thing what matters.
I saw the story yesterday on TV from a man, 30 years married, and than he said to his wife he wanted to become a woman. and the partner responded, but I am no lesbian. to make the story short, they went trough a deep proces, and now, 10 years later they are still together and loving each other. sorry, I speak bad English… But I hope you understand what I mean. Love and believing in that love is the most important thing from a relation. I am married for 35 years.
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Just curious if you had any kind of sexual desire before him as a teenager? Or even during your marriage, while sober the few years after having your firstborn? And can I ask are you with him for reasons other than him being your best friend and kids father (financial dependency, etc.).
I’ve always had a great drive, but married a man I didn’t love, but was young and too scared to say no when he asked. I stuck it out and put out after having children, working nights and struggling with our differences… after time resentment started to build. My eyes always stayed focused on our family, until after our last reconciliation. We had an agreement he broke, so I pursued others attention 
and decided this relationship wasn’t for either one of us.
Also, I have an “ultimate betrayal” list and infidelity is one of them… however, my partner was not my best friend- so maybe I would think differently if he were? I dunno. Yes I wasn’t perfect toward the end of my marriage either. Love following these kind of stories and hope yours works out for the best. xoxo
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