Is your hubby still partaking in booze or recreationals? I have similar sentiments. My partner still drinks, and I have been sober for over 2 years now. I have lost a lot of sexual attraction for him because it’s just not “sexy” to me to sleep with somebody who is tipsy.
Latest update…. Hi @Cleanlife24, @DresdenLaPage and @determinedworkingmom thank you for your replies. ….It’s definitely a work in progress but I’m slowly putting in the work and healing. I am learning all of the time with this subject. For me, I think because of sexual abuse when I was younger and being raped at 15 it was, to some degree, about regaining control. My hub is a gentle soul and has never hurt me but in the beginning of my sobriety (pretty much when this thread started) I was unsure of how to have sex with him sober/clean. I was imagining this need for lust, a desire to rip clothes off and go for it like on the telly. Sounds daft but along this journey I’ve manage to remember things that my mother taught me and lesson on how things should be done that you kinda pick up whilst growing up from siblings friends etc. each time a ‘memory thought’ came back I sat with it a bit and asked…why should it be that way? Eventually one thing my mother said when I was younger bubbled to the surface and I realised that this is what was causing my not wanting sex problem! The penny dropped! She said… “a wife should ALWAYS be a lover FIRST”! this was it!!! This was the why…. I felt I had to perform with/for my hub otherwise I wasn’t a good wife. Whaaaaat!! this was one of the reasons I drank. I didn’t know it but it was because I felt it easier to do the wifely “job” if I’d had a few. Mad I know but this was a massive pinnacle, light bulb realisation. I’m really open with my husband and have talked this through lots and we’ve worked on it together. And we continue to work on it. I have regained control of my body. This doesn’t mean I withhold sex. This means that I can be intimate with my partner and feel comfortable and sexy if I want, when I want but I don’t HAVE to, you know? It was well over two years with hardly any sex but when we did get intimate it was lovely and happened naturally. Also without realising I was peri menopausal… the docs have been wonderful and put me on different hormones and for the first time ever, I have a sex drive!! I must of naturally been low on testosterone all my adult life. I never really had a massive sex drive but now I have a small but definitely there sex drive!! But the story turns now… hubby has no sex drive and ED! He’s got very high prolactin levels in his bloods that means his body is under stress so the docs are sorting him out (viagra is working lol) but he has no real drive, bout right!! but this has given me yet another learning opportunity to see it from the other way round. And now me with the drive for sex and him without and I’ve realised that YES! A MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT SEX!! If we hadn’t of worked on this together with open communication and at times difficult conversation (watering the grass) our marriage probably would not of survived. And I know that we’ll survive this latest medical thing with my husband because we are both supporting each other to be the healthiest (mentally) that we can be. I’m so grateful for this place sorry for the long update lol
Hi @determinedworkingmom. No, he doesn’t really drink very often so he’s clean and sober all the time really. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? I was so worried about upsetting mine with talking about it but it turned out it was the best thing to do instead of struggling on my own with it.
I can totally relate. My wife will not admit about some time back she told me that has to be drunk enough to have sex with me
That was a drastic slice to my heart
That is quite a thing to say, may I ask, did she say it in the heat of the moment during maybe a row? That sounds like it was meant to hurt you? Sorry if I’m way off base. Just trying to understand
Yes it can.
Sex is only a part of the relationship. There are so many other things you can do.
Getting fixated around sex in a relationship will have its own issues.
Hugging, cuddling, going for a nice walk together is more refreshing at times