Absolutely. This topic is such a difficult one to talk about but what we all achieved here will 100% help the next person struggling with it. Time heals for sure 
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I just want to thank you both @Blondie1x and @BrOKenWolf for sharing your conversation with us. It means a lot personally for me to hear others stories and perspectives.
I especially want to thank you for so vulnerably sharing the effects of sexual trauma on sexual relationships. For me, it is impossible to have a discussion around recovery …bringing our past to light, which unfortunately for so many of us includes sexual trauma…and sexuality within a marriage, that doesn’t touch upon this aspect and how we can honestly and lovingly navigate it with our spouse. Very complex and complicated parts of our lives that so deserve the reverance and honesty you have brought to the conversation of marriage and sex.
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I would say a mix of quality time and words of affirmation (based on trust and speaking truth etc)
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Another post bookmarked from the Wise One 
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There we go; that makes sense, both of those are very trust based: quality time is only quality if it’s with a trusted intimate friend or partner (otherwise there’s always a guard up), and words of affirmation get their meaning and their strength only if they come from a person who has earned the trust to say them (an affirmation from someone who hasn’t earned trust is pretty hollow; trust needs to be earned and maintained for affirmations to have power).
It’s a hard space to be in, you’re in a tough spot. You’re not alone though, there are lots of people here who’ve been in similar spots. Don’t give up. Learning and growth - it’s always possible to learn and grow.
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Thanks Blondie for being real and raw about what’s bothering you like so many of us do. May seem weird n embarrassing to the “normal ppl” but for all us here we understand and we are here for you. For me i never hear ppl at the meetings i go to speak on sex like the D.O.C. didn’t affect our sex life but i did hear it in rehab. Now for me i am alike so many othrrs but speaking for myself there was no time i was ever sober and having sex with any partner i had. Alcohol was always a part of the encounter. How blessed i am that i never got a life alter disease bc it was all unprotected a majority of time. Now once i got sober it became how i am gonna have sex without alcohol in me bc i never have. Then i had the perform in room problem where as i wasn’t lasting as long 
and wasn’t staying up as long. Wow how scared n embarrassed i became 
but i also knew my body was going through a change like never before. So i went to my gf n we talked about it and told her my sex drive hasn’t caught up with my body changing and we just talked about the dynamic and how i loved her and it has nothing to do with her. Today i can say things are wonderful. Some ppl are afraid to speak on sex n the affect the drugs or drinking had but its a part of my story. Thanks again for sharing.
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I’m so glad that you and your girlfriend communicated and worked together to figure it out. And I’m glad that your relationship is stronger for it 
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Thats me. I dont know how it feels when I am sober. Maybe the mind connected drink or weed with sex. I think this can be changed. Meditation or therapy can help.
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Had a heart to heart with my wife.
Turns out she’s drinking too try to erase a memory that has come up and …
It’s got nothing to do with me
I’m working my steps. I realize that
So still here, still working it
One day at a time
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This was one of the problems for me
No love or intimacy!
I’m so happy now I’ve moved on - I’m now loved and treated with respect
The grass sometimes is greener, not always though 
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I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like when there is a correlation between sex and a D.O.C I envisage it’s hard to move past because that psychological connection and barrier has been built over what you thought was safe when in most cases the DOC is opening you to more vulnerability and risk of harm as well and masking what is a healthy sexual relationship and a toxic one.
So many have that correlation built up and don’t know what sex should be like because the foundation of their sexual experience was laid through traumatic events so naturally the conscious mind recalls that and sadly because of the traumatic experiences they use their DOC as a means of masking the trauma to let intimate moments occur because they are not in their head.
I hope those who have this correlation find a happy and healthy way to reconnect their desires to their sobriety, those who are in relationships and struggling with the disassociation of their sex life from their addiction I would encourage and empower you to speak to your partners. A true loving and caring partner will want to work it through and build your new foundations together.
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Well said Darren,
The grass is sometimes greener, often it’s not and I’m glad that you have added that part, because it’s often forgotten.
I love the “The grass is greener” saying, I don’t think of it through the general common interpretation of if you’re not happy look elsewhere, to me it’s a way of strengthening myself and making myself healthier physically and mentally. Putting me in the best position I can be personally so I know what I can do for me and those around me.
Your mind and body are your own gardens, what you have to remember is the grass is greenest where you water it and where you care for it. Other peoples grass may look greener, but that’s because you may not have done what is necessary to grow your own, it takes discipline to grow, it takes strength to grow, it takes sacrifices to grow and most importantly it take patience to grow. You can try rush that process by jumping on someone else’s greener grass but what I can promise you is you will never be as grateful as what you will be by doing what is necessary to grow your own.
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Absolutely! Honestly, as I’m sat reading your words I’m nodding like an idiot lol. If we don’t try and keep communication open with our partners, regarding intimacy and sex then we’re truly not “watering the grass” and then everyone’s lawn is going to look greener! …. Great post Richard 
. Glad you’re here.
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Reading through this, I reflect on my own personal situation in a semi-Sexless marriage. The puzzling part about your situation is you said you are sexually attracted to others while sober, correct? So I don’t know that it’s chemical fog Persia. I will say as a man in a sexless marriage, it’s very hard, I’m faithful, have had thoughts of what it would be like to be with someone who does crave me as much as I crave my wife but they are just thoughts. It does suck. My wife has a million reasons to why we aren’t more sexually active. I have been very vocal about the lack of intimacy in my relationship. She claims it’s not me or an attraction issues. She has suggested excessive weight gain, pre-menopause, work life balance. Which all could be validate causes.
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The grass is green wherever it’s watered.
This was a real rollercoaster read and @Blondie1x im so pleased to hear you worked out your marriage issues 
I’m not married, I’ve had long term relationships and in one of those relationships we didn’t have sex for what I would’ve considered a long time - probably 5-6 months and I ended up cheating on her repeatedly. She had a very high sex drive when we met and after a while of living together it became less frequent to almost non existent. That really was the beginning of the end but we still carried on for a couple years. Biggest mistake I could’ve made with her - the sex, or lack thereof, was really an indicator that she wasn’t feeling the intimacy and my cheating was an indicator that it was something I needed more than her.
It’s been 7 years since I was with her or in any meaningful relationship for that matter but I’ve definitely changed my opinion on matters of sex, relationships and marriage. I’d like to settle down with someone one day and have something meaningful - I’d like to think that my emphasis on sex is not as great as it was (I was pretty bad; not an addict but sensationally high drive) and that I can channel it into more affectionate and meaningful actions.
Good post
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Is your hubby still partaking in booze or recreationals? I have similar sentiments. My partner still drinks, and I have been sober for over 2 years now. I have lost a lot of sexual attraction for him because it’s just not “sexy” to me to sleep with somebody who is tipsy.
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Latest update…. Hi @Cleanlife24, @DresdenLaPage and @determinedworkingmom thank you for your replies. ….It’s definitely a work in progress but I’m slowly putting in the work and healing. I am learning all of the time with this subject. For me, I think because of sexual abuse when I was younger and being raped at 15 it was, to some degree, about regaining control. My hub is a gentle soul and has never hurt me but in the beginning of my sobriety (pretty much when this thread started) I was unsure of how to have sex with him sober/clean. I was imagining this need for lust, a desire to rip clothes off and go for it like on the telly. Sounds daft but along this journey I’ve manage to remember things that my mother taught me and lesson on how things should be done that you kinda pick up whilst growing up from siblings friends etc. each time a ‘memory thought’ came back I sat with it a bit and asked…why should it be that way? Eventually one thing my mother said when I was younger bubbled to the surface and I realised that this is what was causing my not wanting sex problem! The penny dropped! She said… “a wife should ALWAYS be a lover FIRST”! 
this was it!!! This was the why…. I felt I had to perform with/for my hub otherwise I wasn’t a good wife. Whaaaaat!! 
this was one of the reasons I drank. I didn’t know it but it was because I felt it easier to do the wifely “job” if I’d had a few. Mad I know 
but this was a massive pinnacle, light bulb realisation. I’m really open with my husband and have talked this through lots and we’ve worked on it together. And we continue to work on it. I have regained control of my body. This doesn’t mean I withhold sex. This means that I can be intimate with my partner and feel comfortable and sexy if I want, when I want but I don’t HAVE to, you know? It was well over two years with hardly any sex but when we did get intimate it was lovely and happened naturally. Also without realising I was peri menopausal… 
the docs have been wonderful and put me on different hormones and for the first time ever, I have a sex drive!! I must of naturally been low on testosterone all my adult life. I never really had a massive sex drive but now I have a small but definitely there sex drive!! But the story turns now… hubby has no sex drive and ED! He’s got very high prolactin levels in his bloods that means his body is under stress so the docs are sorting him out (viagra is working lol) but he has no real drive, bout right!! but this has given me yet another learning opportunity to see it from the other way round. And now me with the drive for sex and him without and I’ve realised that YES! A MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT SEX!! If we hadn’t of worked on this together with open communication and at times difficult conversation (watering the grass) our marriage probably would not of survived. And I know that we’ll survive this latest medical thing with my husband because we are both supporting each other to be the healthiest (mentally) that we can be. I’m so grateful for this place sorry for the long update lol
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Hi @determinedworkingmom. No, he doesn’t really drink very often so he’s clean and sober all the time really. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? I was so worried about upsetting mine with talking about it but it turned out it was the best thing to do instead of struggling on my own with it.
I can totally relate. My wife will not admit about some time back she told me that has to be drunk enough to have sex with me
That was a drastic slice to my heart
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That is quite a thing to say, may I ask, did she say it in the heat of the moment during maybe a row? That sounds like it was meant to hurt you? Sorry if I’m way off base. Just trying to understand