I love my wife eternally, if she had been through something like that I would wait until she was comfortable within herself and able to exorcise her demons, we would work through these together because that is what a loving partner does. An ex partner was a victim of a rape when she was 14, it took a lot from her, we were together nearly 2 years before we had intercourse, I have a high understanding of sexual abuse, my mum was a victim of sexual abuse as a child and she was open about it as I was growing up so I know how it made her feel, my “needs” are mine for me to control. Even with a high sex drive I have always enjoyed other forms of intimacy, I used to think sex meant more than it did and put emphasis on it, but I was immature and foolish then.
Me and my wife went through a period of 2 years after we had our twins where she was on a contraceptive injection and it made her not want sex at all. Yes occasionally it happened but I had to accept that was a period of our relationship where she needed me to be a different kind of lover and that is when I learned to grow up and see that sex wasn’t the yardstick. Funnily enough it ended up with us having a better sex life afterwards as we learned other ways to enjoy each others physical and emotional company.
Knew I liked you!! it has taken me four years to figure this out for myself. One thing I have definitely realised is that talking and communicating all of it out loud to my fella has hands down saved our marriage! They do say don’t make any big decisions in the first year of sobriety, this I now understand. I’m so glad that the woman that wrote the initial post (43 year old me) didn’t just end it there and then because I didn’t want sex and he did. I do have to say that the 2 times that we have had sex in the last 4 years of sorting through this has been amazing. Not lustfull, crazy bonking but pure together love, you know? The patience and love that my husband has give to me makes me want to keep having that pure, together sex when everything is calm and right. Thank you for your truth and honesty in the reply, this is helping a lot of people on here including me. I wish you well my friend
Exactly, marriage is about communication and hard work.
If you don’t work at your relationship and happiness then you’re only kidding yourself that things will always be good.
Naturally relationships have their ups and downs, it’s when you are in the down phase that you work hard for each other, making changes for each other and learning what each other needs and wants.
I think it’s great that you took the initiative to talk to your hubby and that you were open with him. I have no doubt it would have been hard to do and probably harder to hear but it gave him the chance to be the man you knew he was.
You’ve found a way to make your marriage stronger in a weak moment, you have grown together and it’s good that you are enjoying passionate love making. Making love and having sex are two completely different things, love making is better than any quick lustful sex. Marriage is not a porn movie and I bet your husband enjoys having intimate sexual encounters however frequent or infrequent because you are relaxed, involved and enjoying it too.
If you ever want or need to speak in private it would be perfectly fine.
Thank you! I bloody love this place! A safe place where we can all come together to talk through difficult things. I am grateful for your honesty and for everyone that has talked and posted and helped me through this part of my journey
I echo that but don’t forget the impact you @Blondie1x have had by starting this topic, you are not the only one, by starting this topic you will have opened the door for so many people in the same boat.
Absolutely. This topic is such a difficult one to talk about but what we all achieved here will 100% help the next person struggling with it. Time heals for sure
I just want to thank you both @Blondie1x and @BrOKenWolf for sharing your conversation with us. It means a lot personally for me to hear others stories and perspectives.
I especially want to thank you for so vulnerably sharing the effects of sexual trauma on sexual relationships. For me, it is impossible to have a discussion around recovery …bringing our past to light, which unfortunately for so many of us includes sexual trauma…and sexuality within a marriage, that doesn’t touch upon this aspect and how we can honestly and lovingly navigate it with our spouse. Very complex and complicated parts of our lives that so deserve the reverance and honesty you have brought to the conversation of marriage and sex.
There we go; that makes sense, both of those are very trust based: quality time is only quality if it’s with a trusted intimate friend or partner (otherwise there’s always a guard up), and words of affirmation get their meaning and their strength only if they come from a person who has earned the trust to say them (an affirmation from someone who hasn’t earned trust is pretty hollow; trust needs to be earned and maintained for affirmations to have power).
It’s a hard space to be in, you’re in a tough spot. You’re not alone though, there are lots of people here who’ve been in similar spots. Don’t give up. Learning and growth - it’s always possible to learn and grow.
Thanks Blondie for being real and raw about what’s bothering you like so many of us do. May seem weird n embarrassing to the “normal ppl” but for all us here we understand and we are here for you. For me i never hear ppl at the meetings i go to speak on sex like the D.O.C. didn’t affect our sex life but i did hear it in rehab. Now for me i am alike so many othrrs but speaking for myself there was no time i was ever sober and having sex with any partner i had. Alcohol was always a part of the encounter. How blessed i am that i never got a life alter disease bc it was all unprotected a majority of time. Now once i got sober it became how i am gonna have sex without alcohol in me bc i never have. Then i had the perform in room problem where as i wasn’t lasting as long and wasn’t staying up as long. Wow how scared n embarrassed i became but i also knew my body was going through a change like never before. So i went to my gf n we talked about it and told her my sex drive hasn’t caught up with my body changing and we just talked about the dynamic and how i loved her and it has nothing to do with her. Today i can say things are wonderful. Some ppl are afraid to speak on sex n the affect the drugs or drinking had but its a part of my story. Thanks again for sharing.
Thats me. I dont know how it feels when I am sober. Maybe the mind connected drink or weed with sex. I think this can be changed. Meditation or therapy can help.
it has taken me four years to figure this out for myself. One thing I have definitely realised is that talking and communicating all of it out loud to my fella has hands down saved our marriage! They do say don’t make any big decisions in the first year of sobriety, this I now understand. I’m so glad that the woman that wrote the initial post (43 year old me) didn’t just end it there and then because I didn’t want sex and he did. I do have to say that the 2 times that we have had sex in the last 4 years of sorting through this has been amazing. Not lustfull, crazy bonking but pure together love, you know? The patience and love that my husband has give to me makes me want to keep having that pure, together sex when everything is calm and right. Thank you for your truth and honesty in the reply, this is helping a lot of people on here including me. 
I wish you well my friend 
and wasn’t staying up as long. Wow how scared n embarrassed i became 
but i also knew my body was going through a change like never before. So i went to my gf n we talked about it and told her my sex drive hasn’t caught up with my body changing and we just talked about the dynamic and how i loved her and it has nothing to do with her. Today i can say things are wonderful. Some ppl are afraid to speak on sex n the affect the drugs or drinking had but its a part of my story. Thanks again for sharing.