I do think I’m ready to start step 4…but I have yet to find anyone in my meetings that I think I would like to have as a sponsor. There are 2 women that I think I could connect with but one is newer than me, and the other is only 1 month longer than me. I thought about asking the one that sponsors the second girl but I just don’t feel it. Ugh.
So can I start Step 4? I’ve tried doing internet searches and this step seems much more complicated than making a list of our faults. But maybe I can start something more superficial for now???
Get a sponsor and start back at step 1. That way you will be prepared for undertaking your 4th and 5th step. There’s a lot more to the first 3 steps than it appears. You want to make sure you are absolutely solid on those steps before starting your 4th. A sponsor can tell you if you are ready for the next step. I would have done those steps waaaay wrong if I hadn’t had my sponsor to guide me. When I dabbled in the steps without a sponsor I was still running on self will. That didn’t end well. That’s why we have sponsors, bc someone who has never been through the steps before will have no idea if they are doing them right. Try hitting some step meetings. There’s usually some good sponsor candidates there.
Sadly not too many women at the meetings I go to, and the one women only meeting I did hit really did nothing for me.
I’m also afraid of getting a “bad” sponsor. I just don’t know if I can handle a “break up” if it goes wrong. I’m trying to NOT only look for my perfect sponsor but I think subconsciously that is what I’m doing.
Maybe I should just suck it up, go back to the women’s meeting and just grab a temporary sponsor. (Ack, scary! Get it together woman, dammit!!)
I’ll give you a sneak preview of 9. Every day you stay sober you are making that amend. If the women really are lacking you may want to contact your local service center. Or move to Syracuse. Our AA ladies are badass.
I know this is a little unconventional, but my sponsee has been sober for about a year longer than I have. She had just never done step work before.
My two cents is to go ahead and ask someone you feel like you can talk to. My sponsor isn’t my best friend. I don’t feel a huge connection to her. She isn’t who I usually call when I’m feeling squirrelly. I have a couple of other people in my network who I talk with far more. Still, she gave me a solid framework for my steps - and honestly,my fifth was probably a little easier because I wasn’t worried about her having too many preconceived notions about my life.
So, for me, getting a sponsor was more important than waiting for a perfect connection.
my first sponsor i picked because he seemed like someone i’d be friends with. that didn’t work out and i moved on to a different sponsor. (though things didn’t work out with him as my sponsor we actually have become friends, so i was right in that regard haha) this second second sponsor i picked because he seemed like he was happy in his own skin. just a comfortable seeming person and he had over 30 years of sobriety. but like @MoCatt expressed, i didn’t feel a connection to him or anything, and in fact i initially thought us to be different in a lot of ways. i didn’t really care though initially i just thought “here’s a guy who has worked the steps, and seems to live the program, he’s been doing it a long time so i’m guessing he can help me.” and he has helped me tremendously. we still meet regularly but there are others in the program who i talk to more frequently than my sponsor.
Getting a sponsor isn’t like trying to find a unicorn,the book says nothing about finding the right person,what it does say is that any alcoholic properly armed with the facts about themselves can win the entire confidence of a struggling drunk in the matter of a few hours…
Criteria for a good sponsor:
Do they know the literature
Have they been through the work
Are the practicing the principles in all their affairs
Meaning do they have integrity honesty humility etc
Do they have time to make available and are they willing to work with you…
Here’s the truth of my experience…before ever doing any work when I was looking for a sponsor I was completely delusional about who I was and what was going on in my life…so the only thing I knew was I couldn’t stop using drinking…when a guy called me out on my bs about giving this program a shot saying I had never given it one…it cut me because he could see through the lies I was telling myself…about a week later after getting honest with myself and looking at the facts that I never fully submitted or took all the suggestions I asked him to sponsor me,
We came from two different backgrounds entirely but he had the same problem I did and won my confidence enough for me to follow through and take the suggestions…he was the adequate representation I needed
I can only tell you what worked for me… I asked for my HP to show me who should be my sponsor and then give me the willingness to ask. My HP put him right in front of me and I almost hightailed it out of the room. LOL
Edit: And this was after a false start with one early one b/c everyone said I had to ask this one guy. I didn’t get my current sponsor until almost 9 months in…
Of all the steps, I would personally only do 4 & 9 with a sponsor. I’ve heard it said often though, and it worked for me, to go ahead with any that start with 1 (1, 10, 11, 12) otherwise.
And absolutely on the train of, “Just get a sponsor and don’t overthink it.”
My first one found me and my second was assigned by our coordinator when the first moved away. Both are fine sponsors who helped me get sober.
Ask the some of the people who run meeting have several years who they might recomend. Thats how i find me. One dose not have to connect only listen and do what is recommended. Don’t be afraid to ask question.
I have this 4th step workbook. The idea is that id do it myself and then ho through it with my other sponsor ive already asked to do the step with. Does this sound ok to u guys? The problem is that i find it very hard to start/continue. Need self discipline
The second sponsee I ever worked with has 3 years more time in recovery through AA than I do (I have 2.5 years, we’ve been working together since I had 18 months). She had gone through a recent life event and wanted another walk through the steps with a new sponsor who understood from personal experience so I nervously agreed after talking it over with my sponsor. It has been a growth experience for both of us and I am so grateful I said yes. We have a relative shortage of women sponsors in my area as well so many have multiple sponsees- the best thing about that is that you can ask their existing sponsees for the real deal on what its like to work with them! I found my first sponsor by admiring the support another woman in the rooms who was struggling was getting from her sponsor and wanting that kind of loving guidance myself. I asked her all about it and said I was considering asking to work with the same woman and she was enthusiastic, I had a thorough first time through the steps with that sponsor
I gave that right to my current sponsor, by asking her to sponsor me I was telling myself and her that I thought she was qualified to tell me how to live “right”. She tells me whether I’m doing the deal fully based on the standards she developed through multiple decades of sobriety through AA. Its like picking my own boss in spiritual principles except she makes strongly worded “suggestions” and hasnt fired me yet! I know I can always switch sponsors if the relationship stops working for me, and theres a lot of freedom in that. I am in the drivers seat for my program and I ask specific others to guide me because I used to suck at guiding my own life. Its worked out fabulously so far, even considering I threw a fit and fired myself from my first sponsor haha
Generally working the program without guidance is not going to be effective bc a person will still be running on self will rather than someone who has been there. It’s a we program. First word, first step. Meetings are great but the program of AA is the 12 steps as written in chapter 5.
You know what they say about the person who sponsors themself?
