Relapse again. It might seem that I just was craving the stuff but, actually, even though I do want it sometimes, I have learned to ignore it. It is so very clean feeling to be sober even though Jiminy Cricket screams at me in my mind, pretty much non stop. But what about physical pain? I have very severe progressive illness that the doctor said will end up killing me before my time, but I am fortunate to have survived it so far. However, I feel exactly like I am getting strangled and crushed to death and sometimes that feeling is so terrible that pain meds wonât cut it. So I get frantic and turn to you-know-what just because it will deaden that pain for a while. I ignore everything I have learned from AAA or from here because all I want is relief from the pain. And as we all know, once one startsâŚI had an outrageous amount yesterday. And of course there is the aftermath although, to be honest, even the aftermath is not as bad as the physical pain I was in yesterday. I donât know how I am going to overcome this roadblock. But I want to. So badly.
Look into dialectical behavior therapy. âDBTâ itâs life changing. 
I believe you can. If the pain you experience is neuromuscular there are other approaches than pills (and drink) ; acupuncture maybe or massage, water therapy?
As for the drink problem⌠if & when youâre done, youâll be done and not a sip sooner. Gotta have that desire to stop first and foremost.
Consider coming back to AA and reapply yourself to get back your sanity!
We all have only so much time together & itâs a helluva lot better when we can remember and enjoy it without hating ourselves.
Hugs to ya and feel better soon
Can I do thisđIâm new here ND itâs my first day clean
@Shaza, Yes you absolutely can do this. First few days are the worstâŚthe addiction will try and bring you back. The ego will try and convince you that one more hit of whatever it is that you have been using is okayâŚbut you are stronger than you think. Just take it one moment at a time. You can definitely do it.
One tiny little moment at a time. One minute at a time. One hour at a time, One day at a time. xx
Thank you for ur kindnessâŚIâm doing my best nd praying hardâ:pray:âŚitâs so nice too meet new ppl that understand addiction 
I find this post really helpful just reading it and thinking about the phases I am in.
Whatâs YOUR plan? - Life in Recovery - Talking Sober - Addiction Recovery Forum & Support Group
While it may be difficult to do this early. Itâs really important to make a plan for your recovery. Know what to expect and plan how you are going to deal with it.
The thing that worked for me was community. People who, as you said, understand addiction. I found that community, I go to AA meetings, I contribute on here. I ask questions. That sense of connection, knowing that you are not alone. Is really key.
I am so proud of you for taking the first step. You can do it!
And so can you @DaughterOfTheSea xx