Ok so I’ve got a sponsor for the first time I really like her were like kindred spirits and I know she can help and guide me but…. ever since I’ve said yes to her im feeling really fucked up .I refused to get a sponsor last time I went to AA because I didn’t want to lie to them about cannabis or tell them the truth( even though they knew )I knew it would have to go .( by that point it was killing me having to lie to people about and for my addiction s all the time). I dropped out of AA then for two years because I couldn’t keep lying to AA members that I was sober (they could see straight into my soul! I was already found out ) .so me and the lady who is now my sponsor were going to a meeting last night and I said yes to her about her sponsoring me . After that I felt in a really bad mood . My brains telling me it’s really sad that I’ve got to do as I’m told !that it’s going to be too much hard work and I might want to push the fuck it button ,that I’m going to get angry with her and use my own free will I’ve lost so many people I really don’t want to lose someone who i connect with and can help . I couldn’t concentrate in the meeting last night all I saw was people trying to be funny (egos) and normally I’m laughing along ok with this but everyone was pissing me off and I wanted the meeting to end I wasn’t allowing myself to get anything out of the meeting I just wanted it to end so i could just be on my own and like stop with the information ,I’ve not felt this in the whole two weeks I’ve been sober I love my meeting s . I’ve woken up and looked around my flat which looks better than it has in the year I’ve been here and I’ve lived in it more in two weeks that I did in six months before I stopped using . So it looks great but all I’m thinking is if I ever drink or use again this will all be gone and it’s freaking me out I’m physically shaking this morning and feeling like I’m panicking. I’ve told my sponsor I’ll phone at eleven and I will share all this with her but I need advice from you too . I’m also thinking and worrying about the hard steps and if she won’t like me anymore after I’ve shared myself !thanks for helping guys. I’m not thinking about using 
I’m not a AA member, but I think your brain is doing overtime worrying about the "what if’s 
So I sneak in this one for you:
Soon the AA members will have other good suggestions too
Thank you @SoberWalker that is definitely what’s happening to me today .I’ve been living in the present for two weeks and I’ve felt all of the things mentioned in the present and it’s been great .today I’m feeling all the bad ones I’m going to write my gratitude list now .im feeling very “I don’t want to today “ and I don’t like it it’s a fucking scary feeling!!! I’m done with I don’t and I can’t attitude and kept me in purgatory for twenty years .
Glad to be of help a bit. Have you ever seen this thread?
Maybe that is something interesting for you too.
I use it too when I need it.
Thank for sending that I’ve been looking for it but it kept taking me back to old thread s which have closed . I’ve just jumped on someone else’s because I couldn’t find it 
I’ve just read your mind 
Off to my job now, have a good day Corine!! 
You have you freaky person @SoberWalker 
(jokes) …well I’m being sarcastic now so you must of done something right have a great day at work thanks for helping before you left 
Hey Corine,
I have been to AA and still do although exploring other avenues too.
I know a few people that quit drinking but still smoke weed in AA, they don’t usually share that during meetings though.
I personally quit smoking weed long before I quit drinking as it made me very paranoid and I hated it.
Personally I don’t want to judge others for their journey as it’s not me who has to live it, but maybe ask yourself why you feel you need to keep it a secret? Is it because you feel it’s “wrong” or because you are worried about what people in AA will think or maybe because deep down you know it’s a problem and you’re not ready to admit it?
I’m not saying any of these apply to you but there is usually a deeper reason why we lie, being honest in recovery is important and maybe your sponsor will surprise you 
Good luck with your phone call
Yes yes @BJM thats was definitely the problem .This time around I’m completely sober I’ve got 15 days clean of Alcohol and two weeks tomorrow of weed
This here is a good thing. If lying hurts you this much(as it should), then don’t do it 
Total and complete honesty is what’s going to heal you thru this process. What I see might have happened to you(IMO), is that you’ve just made a pretty huge decision and you’re freaking out a little bit. Rightfully so. I get it. You’re not sure what’s coming or how things will go. That uncertainty can really make you think all sorts of crazy things. Wanting to be alone to process how you feel sounds normal to me. This is where honesty comes back. Tell your sponsor this. All of it. There won’t be any judgment. You’re not special. We’re ALL a bunch of fuck ups.
When I asked for a sponsor, I feel like I jumped the gun a bit. I didn’t take the time to get to know any of my options and basically said yes to the first one. Did we have a connection? Not at all. Still, going into the steps, I was guided and able to feel their benefits, especially the 4th and 5th. Trust that the hard ones are hard for good reason. It’s why they call it work. Don’t be scared. Put in your all and the end results will blow you away. I’m really happy for you 
This will change you forever in only the best ways. Goodluck 
thank you @Just_Laura 
that is how I’m feeling I’ve been really cocky with my fears until today (but like yeah it’s all good now ) and today I’m like FUCK what if the card stack FALLS . I really haven’t got another relapse in me for so many reasons
Love this, thank you
You have found someone you connect with and that is triggering you because you feel vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable with others is a HUGE trigger for those who have been hurt or who have hurt others. When I share personal info with people for the first time and getting to know them, I still get a “dirty” feeling but I know why…because I opened up and shared and something in me feels this is wrong/dangerous and is afraid of being judged/left.
You were in AA before but not really, as it sounds like you kept yourself on the periphery. Now it sounds like you are ready to dive head first, and your body is physically reacting. “What if i fuck this all up??”, the root of this belief is “i am not good enough/i dont deserve happiness”, etc.
I will say this about getting sober, its some tough work sometimes but its no where near as tough as using. For me drinking was my DOC and the daily navigatong, the ups and down down downs, the saddness and anxiety all without feeling like I was doing anything to be better or okay. The only solution I had at that point to feel better is to drink, which didnt really make me feel better and Id feel a million tomes worse in the morning. Using is exhausting and HARD AF, getting sober may be hard at times but there is so much relief and ease that also come with it. Its a beautiful safety net, and the problems in life become manageable with time or at least you have this support team around you.
AA is an all in type thing. If you give it your all, give it a go I dont think you’ll be disappointed. Step 2 was the hard one for me, because what it really means is that I am worth it…that was hard for me to come to accept and believe, but you are. When you and your sponsor feel you are ready for step 4, DONT HOLD BACK and give yourself a time window (I think I did one month for my first, but you and your sponsor can come up with something for you 
its just so you dont open it and not have a set point to get to your 5th. A lot people get stuck here, and thats because pf our vulnerability and divinf back. It is one of the most profound experiences, and it may be painful but the result from it is not pain. The result is breath going through you, and a reworking of this feeling that is overcoming you now…you can be vulnerable and trust, you are not made up of all of your shit moments, your scars are to be loved…
I hope this all didnt overwhelm, but I relate deeply to the feeling of running and fighting when I feel vulnerable and like I am puttinf myself out there. It gets easier, and you’ll find in AA a beautiful community of people who absolutely get wtf youre going through. Hold on tight & go for it!!! You are SOOOOO WORTH IT XO.
Not good at understanding humor here, because English is not my native language
But I see smilies so I guess it’s good 
Amazing! I thought when I replied that you were still smoking weed but now I understand. Hopefully you will more at ease now.
Sponsor aren’t really there to tell you what to do (although some people do) they are there to take you through the steps and share their experiences.
They are fallible like all humans
Just keep going to your meetings and share with your sponsor in early sobriety this is a common thing self doubt , head down keep busy and things will work out . being open minded helped remember your at the meeting for you dont let other people distract you .were not going to like everyone . dont know if your got a home group were you can do some service work , im sure this time next week it wont be a problem wish you well
I attended meetings for alittle over 10 years and had a few sponsers during that time. Some sponsers were a great fit and others not so much. I remember feeling super nervous about the “hard steps” like step 4 and 5, worried about being judged for my past and what my sponsor would think of me. Quite honestly though, that feeling subsided over time as we built trust with one another. The more time we spent together going thru the Big Book, the more i began to trust her and that feeling of nervousness over whay shed think of me, vanished. I hope that will happen for u too.
In the beginning of a new sponsor-sponsee relationship, its always abit awkward until u get to know one another give it some time.
And i too was not happy about having to do what my sponsor told me to do. Im just stubborn like that lol Truth is tho is that I didnt HAVE to anything she told me to do. They were suggestions for me tho and i could choose to follow them if i wish. I tried the hard way and for awhile did what i wanted in my recovery to an extent but it never worked out too well. I began to realize that the suggestions she gave me where there for a reason. And as much as i didnt like them, my way didnt work. So i had to try a different way. I took her suggestions and am thankful that i did. I learned alot about the program and about life in recovery from her
I wonder if ur feeling this way becuz ur addict self is rebelling the idea of a sponsor. Our addict selves dont want us to be connected and doing the next right thing. So i just wonder if this is the addict side of u, pushing back.
Im extremely proud of u for getting a sponsor. I hope u two are a good fit and that u get to really experience the benefits of a sponsor-sponsee relationship. Im sure ur sponsor will have more feedback when u give her a call
I was thinking about that too. When I went on probation(years before I ever thought about quitting), I remember thinking “Oh, I’m an alcoholic and I can’t drink?! Psh, you can’t tell me what to do!” Then developed a pill problem bc I had an ankle monitor for 6 months, but once it came off I drank like I’d never drank before. And was so proud of myself for never getting caught. All the while putting the progression of my disease into hyperdrive. Sure showed them! 
Wow @Mira_D thanks for sharing that 
I’m going to revisit that post whenever I feel the need . It’s helped me get my head around why I felt the way I did .I’m not comfortable enough or knowledgeable enough yet to sit with myself and understand what’s going on and why my emotions are doing what they are . I phoned my sponsor at the time we agreed . I explained all the shit in my head and she made me feel so much better, AA s very simple program and us alcoholic s make it very complicated !!! I’m so very grateful to have them and ts .I knew two years ago when I left them that if I could live my life without having to use ANYTHING or be lying to them (that killed the only bit of soul I had left the lying )then AA and it’s members would be my tribe (I wasn’t ready tho ! ) I knew then my Fuckin god do I want what they have:pray:t2:
AA s not a scary place they are the most loving ,accepting and non judgmental people that walk this earth they’ve all seen hell and no one understands alcoholic s like an alcoholic they have a program to be selfless in life .I’m sorry if I’m sounding like I’m preaching to anyone about anything on here,but it’s my thread and my truth. All I know is there’s been a profound shift in me this time round .since I’ve gained the ability to be honest ,left all my self pity and can’t do Attitude at the door and told all my substance s they’re not taking another day of my life off me again I’m with encouragement brave enough to walk and work through the program and for that I’m forever grateful I also love the fact that I can spend the rest of my life helping others like me and that’s a gift:pray:t2: . As long as I remember to take one day at a time and ask for help and guidance im looking forward to an existence I didn’t think existed for me 
Thanks @Butterflymoonwoman yes I’m pretty sure it is .my ego and addiction doesn’t like to be told I’m not In control and need to be told the next right thing to do and I absolutely DO need to be led and listen I’m a fucking train wreck