I’ve tried to stop smoking and drinking every day but I can’t. Some back ground…my wife had an affair and drinking and smoking is the only way I can deal with it. As time went by I’ve managed to forgive her. I was in a bad head space and can sort of understand why. He was 14 years younger.
But now I’ve found messages and photos with someone who is 25 years older than both of us. This has pushed me over the edge and I can’t forgive . She is my world and I can’t live without her. If it was not for alcohol and smoking I would either be I jail for aggregated assault or dead from suside. Every day for the last 2 years I reset my timer because I’m “not going to drink or smoke”
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I’m sorry for that; I’m very sorry. It sucks and this heartbreaking.
It sounds like you are carrying a lot of resentment. This is common, very common, among people carrying an addiction. The addiction is a dysfunctional coping mechanism that creates its own problems, and then the cycle gets deeper and deeper as you spiral down into more addiction and more resentment. Eventually you’re left with a choice: keep the addiction, or drop it. Nothing else matters. Nothing else is really in your control.
It’s not easy but it is possible. You will need help from people - you need to learn and practice new habits and then learn more (there’s a lot to learn on Talking Sober, and there are recovery groups you can join here: Resources for our recovery) - but it is possible one day at a time.
The question that matters is whether you’ve suffered enough that you really want to change, or if you are comfortable in your resentment and pain, which is painful but at least it feels familiar. What do you want: familiarity, or change?
(Welcome to Talking Sober! 
)
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Welcome to this place, friend! Just please know you’re not alone in this fght for sobriety and I’m really sorry you’re going through all the marriage stuff. I too had a previous marriage where infidelity happened. It caused me some serious mental turmoil and I found myself doing similarly as you. It didn’t go well, my drinking escalated and the marriage ended. Then, I kept drinking daily and spiraled downward more till I landed in jail a couple times for fighting and then a weapons violation.
Ultimately I realized after several home detox attempts that I couldn’t do it by myself and reached out to go to rehab. It was a 12 step oriented facility and for me it just made sense and it stuck
We will never be able to control what others do, only ourselves can we control, and you beating yourself up for the actions others do is self sabotaging your ability to get sober, I feel.
You & I don’t have to drink today, that I know is true.
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I’ve started smoking again when I had a very bad breakup. I didn’t start drinking again when my relationship of 15years collapsed cos he had been living a double life. Before I knew about the double life, I did as you: I drank, in my case partly to shield myself from noticing what all was off.
I can understand both. I know it can help to acutely blur that pain. I think you need to ask yourself tho if being w that person is worth your long term health, sanity and happiness. If you can only go on being w her by numbing that pain w alk, you do see the insanity of that, yes?
It doesn’t even make sense to phrase it like what’s more important to you, sobriety or this relationship cos the answer is obvious.
I hope you decide to begin talking to a therapist or something like that cos you need to shift your perspective towards yourself. Only then will you be able to begin working towards your happiness and health.
I wish you all the best.
Edit you could also rephrase it like this. You can’t stop yourself. You need to drink in order to stay in this relationship. Which you don’t want to leave no matter what. So if you turn it around, living sober would mean ending this relationship. So you can’t be sober. So as long as this relationship is your primary thing, you won’t get sober.
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Maybe try ameeting might help wish you well
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