I’m sorry for that; I’m very sorry. It sucks and this heartbreaking.
It sounds like you are carrying a lot of resentment. This is common, very common, among people carrying an addiction. The addiction is a dysfunctional coping mechanism that creates its own problems, and then the cycle gets deeper and deeper as you spiral down into more addiction and more resentment. Eventually you’re left with a choice: keep the addiction, or drop it. Nothing else matters. Nothing else is really in your control.
It’s not easy but it is possible. You will need help from people - you need to learn and practice new habits and then learn more (there’s a lot to learn on Talking Sober, and there are recovery groups you can join here: Resources for our recovery) - but it is possible one day at a time.
The question that matters is whether you’ve suffered enough that you really want to change, or if you are comfortable in your resentment and pain, which is painful but at least it feels familiar. What do you want: familiarity, or change?
(Welcome to Talking Sober! 
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