So, Chelsea made it through to the cup final yesterday. I was so happy. I agreed to have a drink with my wife, picturing one glass of wine. Without asking she brought back a bottle of vodka and wine. In she walks to my room with a glass of vodka for me. Of course, i drink it and 2 more and half a bottle of wine
I feel that I can have one or two drinks with a friend and have no problems stopping but if I start to drink with my wife then it escalates and we argue.
This is sad, right? I feel emotionally blackmailed. Come have a drink for social interaction otherwise she just watches tv and I am lonely.
I realise this is my issue. I need some sober friends. I have been surrounding myself with drinkers all of my life.
I’m not sure I’m tracking? So, you can drink fine with your buddies, but not your wife?
I definitely try not to forget where I came from on this journey to sobriety, and the one thing I would tell myself, if I could go back in time is. Quit with the excuses. Don’t drink! No one cares if I don’t drink, and if they do… who cares. You’re going to remain miserable until you put down the alcohol. I’m guessing you already know this! So, what are you going to do about it?
I can kind of relate. I met my boyfriend through being a wreckhead and that was a pretty big feature of our relationship for about 10 years. I definitely recognise the arguments. When he tried to stop drinking I was definitely like your wife. It makes me cringe now I can see it from the other side.
I actually stopped drinking because he asked me if I thought I should give it a break. It was after one of those nights, a couple of drinks turned into an argument and then I went out and got horrendously drunk, lost all my stuff, called him in tears at 2am etc. I was terrified but relieved. The fact that he wanted me to stop drinking made it so much easier.
The other thing that has really helped is that we have found other things to do. We play computer games together, go to the cinema, go to restaurants, play tennis in the summer, go to the arcade (air hockey is so much fun). The fact that I am sober means I can drive and we can go to much more interesting places!
It is hard because it’s a change to what you’re used to. It may be hard for your wife because she feels like she has to change what she’s used to as well… But really if it always ends up in an argument then she should be up for finding other things to do with you. You will see the phrase ‘play your tape to the end’ used a lot for a reason! Try and keep in mind what actually happens when you drink, rather than just how the first drink makes you feel.
Finding sober friends is something I haven’t cracked yet. But I am still working on being comfortable in my own company. Meetup and AA are probably good places to go for non-boozy social situations.
Yes very much relate. My husband and I met while I was a bartender at his favorite bar. He is a brewer at a local brewery. Our lives were and still are surrounded by alcohol. We both have an issue with not knowing when to say no. He doesnt often get black out drunk like me and doesnt understand why I cant just have a few drinks. He can have ten beers and not make an ass of himself so I dont know if he will ever understand. It’s very hard when your partner doesnt get you:( good luck!
I can definitely relate. My husband was much the same when I first began this journey and my mindset sounded similar to yours as well. It was very difficult and painful for me when I kept trying to figure out how I could have just a drink or two every now and again, when I still thought somehow, despite all evidence to the contrary, I could be a ‘normal drinker’. It was really rough on me and horrible for my marriage. So many ridiculous hurtful drunken arguments between us. I am so very grateful I have not had to deal with that since getting sober. A marriage or relationship which begins with drinking and or partying brings with it it’s own challenges, but it can be worked thru with communication, love and honesty and a lot of work.
Learning my own boundaries, my personal responsibilities, what I can and cannot control was key for me. My husband still drinks, sometimes a lot, I am 680 days sober and his drinking sure does not want to make me drink …it makes me wish for his sobriety…but that is his journey. Does it affect our marriage still …yes, of course, but am I able to live my life as I want and need? Yes, I am. Do I have some of those nights by myself …yes.
Can you talk with your wife when you are both rested and sober about how you are feeling? Discuss some things you can do that don’t involve drink… take walks, go visit a park or new town, take a drive and sightsee, bicycle ride, work on a puzzle together, watch a new series together, take up a hobby together…any things you enjoy or something new to discover.
It isn’t great that she brought the booze in the house, but truth is you are the one that drank it. Not saying that to be harsh, but you know deep down what would happen…another argument. It took me realizing that only I had the power to stop my drinking…before things could get better for me and for my marriage.
Sorry for the long winded reply. Hope some of this is helpful. Do take a look at the link referenced above, it has links to similar threads where u may find helpful info.
Thankyou all for your posts!!! I guess the main issue is that i am bored and I want to go out and do things. She does not apart from movies and I do not like to watch movies out lol. My work from home life can feel like a prison. I love to hike but she does not. She swims at gym while I work out.
The other danger with doing things with my wife is historically we have ended up in bars after the event.
Anyway, have a great day. I am not drinking today and i smell coffee and bacon downstairs
No, I can’t relate, because I never mastered consistency in moderation. Drinking with someone or drinking alone, I more than likely will get drunk.
This is why I don’t drink. Not with a Goat. Not in a boat. Not in a car. Not in a bar. Not with my mates, out by the gates. Not with my bride and not in a hide.
You don’t have to be joined at the hip. Sure it is great to enjoy things together (other than drinking) but don’t let the fact that she isn’t into hiking stop you from hiking. I know many hiking folks and some hike together some don’t. Go on your own or with another hiking buddy or group or take shorter hikes and invite the wife.
Also, it takes work to be able to be around someone who drinks and not drink with them. I guess you need to decide whether you are not drinking 100% or a ‘normal drinker’ and can just have a couple.
But the real question is, what of Green Eggs and Ham?