Another day down coming straight home. I don’t have any help with my daughter but she is independent in many ways. Just people don’t see me away from her much and have their opinions about how I should be. That’s their opinions I know me with my daughter and I’m finding me without my daughter. Where I work is a big place and today I ran into an old friend. There was music and she says hey we could use a margarita with that dance music. I said you could but I’m a non drinker so have at it. That felt good!! Love thinking that way about myself and actually saying it out loud. I want people to know and live in my truths now. It helps me to not feel so lost. The days are getting easier because I’ve changed my routine and not going to the bar after work I am feeling better. Weekend is still going to be tough but already have plans to go walking, rest, read or whatever I want to do and that’s feeling good now. Of course I will be on here weekend nights because it helps so much. If they the drinking buddies call and say hey come down I am saying no because I’m starting to like myself without adding alcohol. Did you all have people who still asked you to go out to the bars? How did you all handle things? I know that they will eventually stop and I think I’m ready to just walk away from them. I already have but I know the weekend they will be back around. Shew this is going to be a long journey but I see myself already getting back to recognizing me in the mirror.
Man alive — That is a fantastic journal entry!!! I am so proud of you. Getting in touch with yourself and loving the person you see - starting to see your old self shine through. Declaring to people that you are a non drinker and being totally cool with it cause it’s your truth. I am in awe lady - You are awesome.
Yes - love that you’ve realized that having time on the weekends could be an issue and are already planning things to do to keep you busy and also show yourself a good time.
As for the drinking buddies - they will eventually stop asking. I was not in the same boat as you where it was a weekly thing so it was easier to put off for me by saying I had work or a migraine or just wasn’t feeling well. The one friend I do choose to stay in contact with - I simply told him that I do not drink anymore and he was totally cool with it. The others just stopped asking to hang out.
I’m sure others will have better advise on how to handle the drinking buddies but whatever you do i am so glad that you are putting your sobriety first!
Not even worried about it now. My yard is mowed and I’m laying out in the sun this weekend. Drinking buddies no more! If they text or call I’m not available just plain and simple. I realized how much time I’ve wasted and how much more there is to do without adding alcohol…,. Taking time to unwind has a whole new meaning!! Feeling a little tension but that’s expected but feeling peace is so much more fun. Lol
Things only feel strange at times now Kathy because theyre new but soon your new routines will become your normal and be comforting in a whole new way…you already sound like an amazing mother but your daughter will benefit from you taking time to make yourself happy as well as her and youl be even better, i noticed with my daughter although she was always loved and looked after when i was drinking now shes utterly thriving and im proud of myself for that. I cant tell you that it will be easy, you will have good days and bad but i can tell you that it will absolutely be worth it, love to you and your daughter 
Reminders: Energy, health, hydrated, no headache, don’t lose days to being sick, clear minded, feeling happy, laughing, better road to travel, enjoying solitude, enjoying myself, just being awake.
Hey Kathy, how are u? How have things been?xx
Shew hectic but hanging in there. Been doing a lot with my daughter. Went to a concert…at a venue that has a bar. Didn’t think of drinking except water. Danced a bit and just enjoyed being there. Smelled the booze and it was strong on others breath and I didn’t like it. To each their own it was what I was thinking. Been smoking a lot working on that next but not rushing it. Been just enjoying being quiet. Cleaning up an area to start another art project. Watched a funny movie last night. Just trying to stay busy but also to relax. I’ve realized my world was loud and rushed. Slowing down now and kinda liking it. Hope you are well and thanks for checking!!
- Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for taking care of.
This resonates with me on a level I finally get! First, I have always taken care of others my whole life, no regrets but there has been no me for a long time. The exception was when I was married to my best friend. We did all things in a partnership and life was good. Second, we held each other accountable on a level with respect and love. Third, he died and I felt I didn’t have to be accountable to anyone anymore. Fourth, I quit thinking of me. Then lastly Five, holding myself accountable is what I’m learning and to not count myself out! One day at a time I’m learning to think of me and what I want the rest of my life to be. It’s hard on days then others it’s a breeze. Still feeling like I’m still on the rollercoaster ride but it’s slowing down. Someone on here said learn to forgive yourself…that goes deeper then they know. Want them to know I’m trying. On some days I think ok yeah forgive yourself then that unwanted voice says nope still in a pity party. Shew the struggle is real. All have to get up every day and try to start with the positive- what I’ve been trying to do. Then yup those unwanted voices creep in. One day a time though and hopefully those subside. That’s when I can finally sigh and say I made it. Might be at my daughters wedding, my grandsons graduation, or on my death bed but I will sigh because that’s when I will truly be free of forgiving myself. We all hold ourselves to such expectations and when you are a caregiver it’s even harder. After taking care of my husband til he passed I didn’t want to be a caretaker anymore but here I have my daughter…whom still needed me to be. So, I kept telling myself when I went out this is my time and I can do what I want. Sure but in reality I wasn’t doing what I wanted I was just trying to feel numb and not holding myself accountable or taking (caregiving) of myself. I was being pulled in so many directions except where I really wanted to be…at peace with myself. I never spoke up to my son when he said all I needed to do was be a grandmother, when work said just be a supervisor, ladies just said find another man when in all this I just wanted to find me again. You lose yourself in so many scenarios of life and three of them hit me at once- Grief, menopause and loneliness. I’ve been a wreck since he died, I got through menopause with no meds or direction and loneliness well I’m still working on and coming face to face with the grief because now I’m trying to be a better caregiver to myself. Damn you all it’s hard but at least I see it now that it is possible to love myself and still be caregiver to others, actually it makes it easier. Rest and relaxation is what I strive for now. I see now that I always do not have to be doing something, going out, rushing through life or not living life at all. One thing I realized regarding my drinking buddies they never did anything with me. Why did I stay so long? Another one of those would of could of should of situations. I know I’ll quit asking why one of these days because I don’t want to forget any of those people or the moments I just want to learn from it and move forward. Taking it all in stride. Remember but don’t dwell is what keeps me going now. Thanks once again rant over
