Another day down coming straight home. I don’t have any help with my daughter but she is independent in many ways. Just people don’t see me away from her much and have their opinions about how I should be. That’s their opinions I know me with my daughter and I’m finding me without my daughter. Where I work is a big place and today I ran into an old friend. There was music and she says hey we could use a margarita with that dance music. I said you could but I’m a non drinker so have at it. That felt good!! Love thinking that way about myself and actually saying it out loud. I want people to know and live in my truths now. It helps me to not feel so lost. The days are getting easier because I’ve changed my routine and not going to the bar after work I am feeling better. Weekend is still going to be tough but already have plans to go walking, rest, read or whatever I want to do and that’s feeling good now. Of course I will be on here weekend nights because it helps so much. If they the drinking buddies call and say hey come down I am saying no because I’m starting to like myself without adding alcohol. Did you all have people who still asked you to go out to the bars? How did you all handle things? I know that they will eventually stop and I think I’m ready to just walk away from them. I already have but I know the weekend they will be back around. Shew this is going to be a long journey but I see myself already getting back to recognizing me in the mirror.
Man alive — That is a fantastic journal entry!!! I am so proud of you. Getting in touch with yourself and loving the person you see - starting to see your old self shine through. Declaring to people that you are a non drinker and being totally cool with it cause it’s your truth. I am in awe lady - You are awesome.
Yes - love that you’ve realized that having time on the weekends could be an issue and are already planning things to do to keep you busy and also show yourself a good time.
As for the drinking buddies - they will eventually stop asking. I was not in the same boat as you where it was a weekly thing so it was easier to put off for me by saying I had work or a migraine or just wasn’t feeling well. The one friend I do choose to stay in contact with - I simply told him that I do not drink anymore and he was totally cool with it. The others just stopped asking to hang out.
I’m sure others will have better advise on how to handle the drinking buddies but whatever you do i am so glad that you are putting your sobriety first!
Not even worried about it now. My yard is mowed and I’m laying out in the sun this weekend. Drinking buddies no more! If they text or call I’m not available just plain and simple. I realized how much time I’ve wasted and how much more there is to do without adding alcohol…,. Taking time to unwind has a whole new meaning!! Feeling a little tension but that’s expected but feeling peace is so much more fun. Lol
Things only feel strange at times now Kathy because theyre new but soon your new routines will become your normal and be comforting in a whole new way…you already sound like an amazing mother but your daughter will benefit from you taking time to make yourself happy as well as her and youl be even better, i noticed with my daughter although she was always loved and looked after when i was drinking now shes utterly thriving and im proud of myself for that. I cant tell you that it will be easy, you will have good days and bad but i can tell you that it will absolutely be worth it, love to you and your daughter 
Reminders: Energy, health, hydrated, no headache, don’t lose days to being sick, clear minded, feeling happy, laughing, better road to travel, enjoying solitude, enjoying myself, just being awake.
Hey Kathy, how are u? How have things been?xx
Shew hectic but hanging in there. Been doing a lot with my daughter. Went to a concert…at a venue that has a bar. Didn’t think of drinking except water. Danced a bit and just enjoyed being there. Smelled the booze and it was strong on others breath and I didn’t like it. To each their own it was what I was thinking. Been smoking a lot working on that next but not rushing it. Been just enjoying being quiet. Cleaning up an area to start another art project. Watched a funny movie last night. Just trying to stay busy but also to relax. I’ve realized my world was loud and rushed. Slowing down now and kinda liking it. Hope you are well and thanks for checking!!
- Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for taking care of.
This resonates with me on a level I finally get! First, I have always taken care of others my whole life, no regrets but there has been no me for a long time. The exception was when I was married to my best friend. We did all things in a partnership and life was good. Second, we held each other accountable on a level with respect and love. Third, he died and I felt I didn’t have to be accountable to anyone anymore. Fourth, I quit thinking of me. Then lastly Five, holding myself accountable is what I’m learning and to not count myself out! One day at a time I’m learning to think of me and what I want the rest of my life to be. It’s hard on days then others it’s a breeze. Still feeling like I’m still on the rollercoaster ride but it’s slowing down. Someone on here said learn to forgive yourself…that goes deeper then they know. Want them to know I’m trying. On some days I think ok yeah forgive yourself then that unwanted voice says nope still in a pity party. Shew the struggle is real. All have to get up every day and try to start with the positive- what I’ve been trying to do. Then yup those unwanted voices creep in. One day a time though and hopefully those subside. That’s when I can finally sigh and say I made it. Might be at my daughters wedding, my grandsons graduation, or on my death bed but I will sigh because that’s when I will truly be free of forgiving myself. We all hold ourselves to such expectations and when you are a caregiver it’s even harder. After taking care of my husband til he passed I didn’t want to be a caretaker anymore but here I have my daughter…whom still needed me to be. So, I kept telling myself when I went out this is my time and I can do what I want. Sure but in reality I wasn’t doing what I wanted I was just trying to feel numb and not holding myself accountable or taking (caregiving) of myself. I was being pulled in so many directions except where I really wanted to be…at peace with myself. I never spoke up to my son when he said all I needed to do was be a grandmother, when work said just be a supervisor, ladies just said find another man when in all this I just wanted to find me again. You lose yourself in so many scenarios of life and three of them hit me at once- Grief, menopause and loneliness. I’ve been a wreck since he died, I got through menopause with no meds or direction and loneliness well I’m still working on and coming face to face with the grief because now I’m trying to be a better caregiver to myself. Damn you all it’s hard but at least I see it now that it is possible to love myself and still be caregiver to others, actually it makes it easier. Rest and relaxation is what I strive for now. I see now that I always do not have to be doing something, going out, rushing through life or not living life at all. One thing I realized regarding my drinking buddies they never did anything with me. Why did I stay so long? Another one of those would of could of should of situations. I know I’ll quit asking why one of these days because I don’t want to forget any of those people or the moments I just want to learn from it and move forward. Taking it all in stride. Remember but don’t dwell is what keeps me going now. Thanks once again rant over
Ok it’s done my drinking buddies know and have all went away and the other half of the town faults me for my dui. Feeling really alone but kinda not. This is a weird feeling but in a way I’m welcoming it. I am being judged and cannot comprehend why the town I grew my family up in is such a Hippocrates kind of place. I vow to myself not to go back into their state of mind. You would think that they want to see people do better but no if you don’t go to church or you don’t go to the bars you are banned from being any kind of a person to them. Shew if I make it out alive from the scrutiny of a small town I might find me again shew . I vow to make it out again and not let them put me into the darkness!! Being shunned sucks but I’m better off I guess. Just feeling conflicted. Ugh!
People can judge you all they want. Hell like they have never done anything wrong before lmfao. Tell them to mind their own business. So long as you have learned your lesson and don’t do it again lol (no judging)
Keep your chin up and move forward.
Yeah I had not been in anything since my twenties I’ll never drive or drink again and I feel good about it. That’s what I was thinking as I walked through town yesterday at the festival they had. I could call out so many others for a lot of different wrong doings but I’m not like that. I saw a good friend that I’ve had and talked to her and the group she was with. When I didn’t stay with them and went off with my daughter she scrunched her nose and I heard her say what a bitch. Honestly I was thinking she doesn’t look good. But I knew she wouldn’t understand that I cannot even have one. They had already had a drink and I knew it was going into more. and I couldn’t be around and that’s my choice. It is their way of life here. I changed my routine and it’s helping change my life. I don’t want to be called a bitch but if that’s what it takes guess I am now. It’s a real fight and I’m struggling or I wouldn’t be venting. I just felt invisible and I’ve got to get over that hang up. Where do I go from here?
Im so proud of you for sticking to your new routine and staying sober.
Sorry that your town and group of friends are such hypocritical asses! I know words hurt but do not kisten to them (they are lashing out as theyve lost you as a drinking buddy). You know misery loves company.
Keep doing what you are doing. I know your town is small - is it tough to get to a larger area where you could possibly meet new friends? Would moving closer to work be an option for you?
Just wanted to say that you are doing awesome!! 
I would look for other people in your community that are sober. I would look at AA, as there is no reason to be hiding this if you are worried about what others would think. It appears you are moving past caring what others think, and that’s a wonderful thing!
Thank you! Not an option to move at the moment but it felt good coming to work this morning. I feel like I escape the judgement Hippocrates and just plain nonsense on Mondays. I feel good on Mondays lol. Yeah I’ll definitely have to find some sober friends because I have walked past the point of labels anymore. I am who I am and need others who take me as I am not always putting alcohol in front of me and thinking it’s the solution. It isn’t and I know that now and I’m keeping my chin up. Thanks for all of the support
What an amaxing feeling to come to this realization 
You are absolutely doing everything right and i am so very peoud of all that you have accomplished- some major growth in such a short period of time.
Much love my friend
Feeling tired today. Reminding myself I have to think of myself as a changed person. No one sees me that way yet but I have to. Still hating this town…there is no support just gossip and judgement about reputation. Just so tired of it. Having a harder time this morning getting ready for work. I know I but mostly my drinking created my reputation but I’ve never been one to harp on reputation or put anyone down for anything but now feel like I can do this but fighting with rumors and lies everyday is exhausting. Cannot confide in anyone in this town not even a pastor. Still got the widow label and men actually using it to try to say you need a man I’ll take care of you…seriously? I know I’m stronger then that but today just feeling weak. Shew when do you get to where you can walk outside without being scrutinized. Trying to heal but just so tired for now
Loads of strength coming your way today.
Your town truly sucks!!! These people need need to mind their own business- wtf! Ignore the gossip/ rumors and the lot the best you can. People fear change and seeing you grow and kick addiction could be scary for them - their problem not yours.
Don’t pay attention to the silly men. Not all think this way.
Im not sure if the people will ever change (hopefully something else in town will grab their attention soon enough and theyll leave you alone) …i do however think over time you develope a i dont give a fuck attitude- im living for me and you just arent as bothered by their words or scrutiny.
Just keep doing what you are doing- i have a feeling you are close to the i dont care about this bull shit attitude. Have a wonderful sober day at work.
There are several women like you that live in more rural communities that connect virtually online. Some of my most supportive sober friends I’ve never hugged in real life, but we certainly are connected even more so than some of my friends that live close. Just have to take steps to get connected.
Yeah you are right I’m about there…I want to shout quit living in the dark ages. The town has always been a decade behind the times. I’m wondering why I’m still there…then realize I’m stuck. After my husband died I just stayed when I should have escaped. Now my house is so In repair I cannot get out from underneath it. Cannot afford the town where I work. It’s crazy how your world gets flipped upside down when a loved one passes away. The mentality of others plays on me but then I end up thinking for myself. I cannot be the person they want to see but I can be a different version of myself and not play into their the little woman should find a man she wouldn’t have gotten in trouble if she had a man. Haha yeah I would and I left where I was at because a man and woman were arguing. Getting a dui is like sinning to them and I’m being shunned for it. Getting a dui is a grave mistake that could have hurt me and others…I’ve beat myself up about it and its also a wake up call. This town does not see so many crying out for support for help from addiction. No support just always their solution go to church. Then while at church act good but then when you go home we don’t give a crap that you’re hurting and lonely. Oh well life goes on but I’m tired of living under the assumption that I’m just going to fail. A dui is not failing to me it was a ok gotta get out of the pit. Anyway, at work got my chin back up so thanks all!!
Ok going to be a different post because my mindset is becoming different. First off grateful that bad days can turn into good days! I am frustrated with my town but I realized I wasn’t fighting with them yesterday I was fighting with myself. I had been to work and was down in the dumps because people don’t accept me for who I am well…you have to accept yourself. This is new to me because I always have taken care of others. Last night after work I was fighting with that voice just one won’t hurt, I could drink some wine 
that’s not too bad. I was creating a distraction for myself being mad at the town a reason for me to be depressed. There were two places to go after work yesterday one with no alcohol and one with alcohol. I got home thinking where do I want to go? Knowing I had to clean at the house etc. So, sat there playing a game on my phone then I was done with it so I decided I don’t want to go anywhere and why do I need to. I grabbed a garbage bag cleaned my room well, started on it As I was cleaning I started feeling idk happy. I remember someone saying on here it matters what you think of yourself. So, this morning I felt accomplished because I went to bed sober chose to do what I wanted to do and basically did not let alcohol control me. It felt good! I know there are going to be more bad days and I will struggle with those as they come. This morning got ready for work walked out my front door and did not feet the scrutiny because I am no longer scrutinized by my peers, alcohol or myself…the darkness is going away and I feel I won the small battle yesterday with myself feeling accomplished. And yes the support on here got me there. So what I don’t have support in my town I found it here and am very much grateful