“see myself as the mess I am”
Yes… but that - that’s ok, Stacey. More than that, it’s your natural state. It’s all of us. We’re all a mess. And it’s beautiful. A beautiful mess:
We’re all mixtures of desires and aversion, love and hatred, hunger and revulsion. And then we make decisions, and we act in the world. We’re a web. We don’t understand ourselves sometimes. Us addicts, we have escaped for a time into our addictions. Eventually, we get tired of using. We say, I want to be my sober self. And we work it, one minute at a time.
You’re ok Stacey. You’re perfectly imperfect. Pick yourself up after this reset and try again. Try again. Try again. God I know all kinds of people in my life but people in recovery are, no question, the stubbornest, most persistent people I know. They will climb any mountain, fall down, and climb it again. When you persist, when you throw your full self into recovery, without carving away little escape routes, you will get there.
There’s lots of good advice in this thread. @ThajokerNL is right on about an inpatient program; one of my friends is doing that right now because he found in his life at the moment, there are too many built-in places and times to relapse (check www.findtreatment.gov). @anon12657779 too - and seeing a doctor about the anxiety is right - I saw a doctor about my ADHD and it has had a significant positive impact on my recovery. @Jane.c is right about that self-care, finding spaces to sit in your emotions, see them come and go, join a yoga class or a creative arts space or literally anything that is about living your life, not running from it. And @KevinesKay is right (and you too) that recovery means we need help. Sometimes Divine, sometimes from our fellow humans, sometimes both. We need to be together with other people to be our whole, engaged, sober selves. We need places we can have our emotions soothed healthily by people who care for us. We need places to celebrate, to grieve, to share pain and loss and fear. We need non-judgmental empathy (not necessarily advice, just empathy) to live, the same way we need water and food. (I am not kidding. The big lie that keeps us in addiction is thinking we’re the one that’s going to just pick ourselves up and do it by ourselves. It’s just not true.) And that empathy is something we give and receive from healthy people with us on life’s journey.
Where can you go to connect with some supportive people Stacey? Where is the nearest place that is recovery focused? Are there groups near you? When is the next one? Many are free, just show up - check out this list:
You’re a good person Stacey. You’re worthy. You matter. 
Looking forward to hearing about your next step 
Life is Good.
