Tricky few days with work and mental health appointments. Feeling emotional and working on identifying my feelings and frustrations and thinking before I react to them. Got the house to myself this weekend which I have mixed feelings about.
There’s a storm due today but right now the sky is blue and the sun is shining so I’m just having a quick cup of tea and then I’m going out for a mooch with a neighbour to kill a couple of hours.
Day 8
Still alive . Yesterday was quite hard day but at the end it finished without alcohol and this is most important thing. Today seems better, except for the light cold , mood is ok and I am ready to have a relaxing day . I must spend some time to read TS and some AA pages not because I’m a good person but because it helps me a lot to stay sober and to find the energy to do it . I thank you so much to be here , to post and for everything I can find here . Be strong 
8 Months sober today. Proud and happy about that. Had a crave last night after another fight with my closest friend. I keep making the same mistake, not being totally open and honest. Thinking about it is is crazy, about stuff that’s really not important. Each time it happens and it comes out I promise to do better to her and to myself and each time after it happens again. I remember this pattern from my childhood and my mum calling me her little secret agent. And how hurt I felt when she said it. And it still happens and I can’t shake it. Still deep down thinking I will be found out as a worthless piece of sh*t when I’d just be open about myself. Still fearing that rejection so much I rather be alone. well, at least I didn’t took refuge in booze. I’m sober and clean and that’s the only way I want to be. And at least I’m thinking about it. But I still don’t know a way out of this hole I dug for myself as a kid.
Thanks friend, I know it’s not. And I am making some progress. It is so god damned slow though and I keep falling into my own trap again and again and again.
Day 63. Had a drinking dream last night. I felt so much guilt thinking I’d have to reset and tell you folks I’m at day 1 
Had some hard news that my ex bf died unexpectedly the other day. Not sure of the full story. So sad, so young in early 40s. I moved away when we split as I knew when he came back from his tour of duty we’d end up back together (he split with me over phone from overseas on tour). I was drawn to him like a magnet. I swear he had some special pheromones 
but those also drew in many other women to him which he could not resist. Thus me moving away. My heart aches for his family. I’m still so glad I had him in my life. We’d been in touch when my dad died recently because they were close and I wanted him to hear the news… Have a great day folks!
Day 39…checking in friends😊
Freaks me out. Its why I try to not “fly too high” at work. I get up the ranks enough to make a good living, and make sure my value is known – but I try to stay under the radar enough to keep my head out of the guillotine.
It happens where I work a handful of times per year. “Organizational restructuring”, and poof, a few peoples position gets “eliminated” as a result. Occassionally an entire section of a business area. Even people that have been with the company 30+ years, doesnt matter. I’m all for operational efficiency, but it does get me a bit paranoid sometimes.
Day 700 here!
Pretty amazing journey looking back. Next month I intend to hit my 2 years sober, and this past year the changes in my life have been astronomical. The growth I’ve had on the inside is unreal, my life is calm and peaceful again. My life is MINE again to build exactly how I want it but to do that properly I honestly had to be tired of my own bullshit and seek answers of how to learn how to do it differently. I have been witnessing exactly how much of my own behaviors put me into those crappy positions time and time again…turns out-a lot of my learned behaviors stemmed from being a child of an alcoholic-my tendencies were to try to save everyone because I couldn’t save him, but I tried. Took on the responsible role on because my dad didn’t and I leaned naturally toward saving and helping to fix others. Plus, my mom is a natural caretaker too because of how she was raised. I always thought until recently codependency was about needing someone else around to make me whole-that didn’t remotely fit my bill… Turns out, it’s a lot deeper and bigger than that, I subconsciously sought out people to fix and it’s most always one sided relationships I harbored and I DO have those tendencies as a child of an alcoholic. Mattered more than I realized or admitted. Focusing on me and observing my behavior has been a game changer, so is asking for signs and guidance daily of where I’m supposed to be next for the greatest and highest good of all. The things that have come to me have been amazing and mindblowing and I could never ever go back to living my old life again! None of this healing EVER could have happened if I wasn’t sober.
It’s a hell of a journey and healing is not linear, it’s more like a dance vs a walk. But I’m happy af to be dancing again in my life!! 
Have a great sober saturday all!
This. I can relate to this on so many levels.
Dear lady, congratulations on this milestone! You are getting better at getting better, each and every day! Better today than you were yesterday, and tomorrow better still. Life may slow your roll sometimes, but there’s no stopping you now!
Congrats on nearly 2 years, sounds like you are on a great track!
Day 138 alcohol and alcohol and day 6 ED.
Not too much to report. Tired from a great first week back at the gym training for my spartan. Training for strength rather than sexiness gives me a whole different level of motivation. I like it.
Struggling a wee bit with wanting to drink, but on the flip side, the thought nauseates me. I sometimes just see myself as an eternal screw up with no hope.
Very soon I’m gonna hit three weeks. My lifelong record is five weeks intentional, although I may have gone longer when I was recovering from my car accident 10 years ago in which I totaled my car and was in the ICU for a week with a bunch of broken bones and internal damage. My longest in recent memory was four weeks which was two years ago. If I do three, I can do four, and then five. I don’t know what I’m gonna think if I get past five weeks or even six. It’s like a different universe, a strange alternate reality lol
Congrats on 8 mths!! That’s fantastic!!
As far as the other but goes I get it. I’ve done the same in the past. It’s a hard habit to break & the fear of being vulnerable and open is real & strong. Acknowledging this is a problem is a good start to fixing the problem. Don’t give up on yourself. Just keep trying.
Day 150. Coffee is necessary today. I’ve not slept well this week so I let myself stay in bed a little bit later than usual this Saturday morning. Doing ok in my sobriety. It’s the rest of life I’m not thrilled with. I need to buckle down on a few things and make some changes to how I live my daily life but it seems overwhelming to make those changes. There’s comfort in the chaos I exist in now.
Shout out to @Here.I.am for working on your sobriety after your recent slip up. Yay for another meeting in your area! I know you wanted that. As far as it goes with your husband, I hear people all the time on here say don’t make any major decisions your first year of sobriety. So just stick with it and love him well in the meant time. Clarity comes with sobriety. So stay sober and a year from now see how you feel. Just my 2 cents.
James @Ifs you truly inspire me to work on the junk I’m avoiding. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I know tomorrow could feel overwhelming or stressful but I believe you have the strength in you to do all that’s planned. I truly hope tomorrow is the beginning of a new phase of freedom for you.
Nope. Definitely not. That’s not truthful at all! You are not an eternal screw up. Otherwise you wouldn’t be on here and you wouldn’t be helping others like you so fabulously do. Just felt like I needed to call you out on this. When those thoughts come you have to immediately banish them to the pit of hell. That’s where they come from anyway! No place good.
Day 19.
Went for 5 mile walk and coffee this morning. About 29 degrees, so a tad cold. Getting ready to take the bike out for a spin if the snow stops soon. If not then indoor ride. Trying to stay active even though it is cold. Heading into 3 weeks on Monday. Need to keep busy to keep the “salesman” quiet.
@Shannon1980 @Hopeful777 @Jen2020
Sober twins, we are on Day 19. I hope you all are finding constructive ways to stay sober. Or not…as long as you are sober!!! 2 days to 21. Stay strong and keep fighting!!! 
I admire your commitment to fitness. You have me missing my spin classes at the gym I used to go to. No money on the budget for a gym membership or a bike right now so I have to jog/run. It’s just not the same. But I’ll live vicariously through you in the meantime.
Thanks for walking this journey with me Steve! You’ve helped my greatly at times along my travels.
Wow, honestly your words mean so much to me that I teared up reading them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Day 548. Struggling hard lately. My son who suffers from what we suspect is bipolar disorder has popped back into my life and I dont have the emotional fortitude to deal with the many facets of disruption, anxiety and hopelessmess his presence brings into my life. ugh.
