Day 7. All is well in the universe. My cat does not feel the same with the sounds coming from the military range
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Day four here. Coming towards the end of the week and I can feel that common pull to drink.
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Yesterday was a very powerful day.
After 10 months of wondering what’s happening, I finally got word from my attorney that the DA’s office filed charges against me.
I am being charged with felony DUI as well as grievous bodily harm. There is now a warrant for my arrest and my bail is set at $130,000.00.
I can’t even begin to tell you what a toll this is taking on my wife and our marriage. (our marriage isn’t great to begin with… Very complicated and, honestly, pretty disfunctional.) Be that as it may, we have been saving up to pay for an IVF procedure and the plan was to proceed this fall. We can’t afford to wait any longer, and now it seems like we can’t afford to move forward. She is in agony and it is completely my fault. I have never hurt anyone this badly before, least of all someone I love. There is an aspect of this that seems like a blessing in disguise. Objectively speaking, it is probably best that she and I not have a child because ultimately, we probably shouldn’t be married; but if thats a blessing, it’s the most painful one I’ve ever seen. Today I feel like I’m ruining her life, one step at a time. This is where I surrender it up. I’m asking my higher power to take the wheel. I just got to work and I feel like I could collapse /pass out at any moment.
297 days sober and grateful for it. Now more than ever.
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I had it yesterday. I know now to tell it to piss off because that’s all it is, a pull. It has no power.
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Sorry for the news @MrCade.
I was not aware of this event that happened. We’re here to offer whatever support we can. I wish you the courage face what lies ahead. The fact that you’re looking for a silver lining rather than seeking a drink is a testament to your progress.
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Thanks man.
I’m really trying to hold it together.
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On the plane to Georgia now and can’t wait to land so I can check into my room and get in my gym clothes to get in a decent work out. I won’t allow the fear of failure to keep me from enjoying myself. Instead I’ve decided to focus on continuously building towards the progress I’ve made. Glad to take a break from the everyday with a clear mind. It’s so dysfunctional how we’ve been trained to associate drunkenness with having a good time.
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Anyplace you can go for support? Meeting? Trusted friend or family? Don’t suffer alone my friend.
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Hey pal, I’m glad to see you back and posting an update. That is some challenging stuff, but know that your HP knows what is best for you and rolling with it, sober, is the way to go. There is some excellent experience, strength and hope here from those who have made amends to the state through the justice system. You have an attorney and that is a good thing. You are sober, and that is a miracle. Keep calm and carry on - we are all always here for you. 
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Checking in day 146.
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I went to a meeting last night. Probably hit another one tonight. I’m reaching out to certain people for support.
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Thanks. I knew I had tough times ahead, but nothing could prepare me for this. I’m lost for words.
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Checking in.
Day: 74.
Ethan and I went for lunch with my Gram.
We talk every day on the phone but I dont see her very often.
We had a nice visit.
My twin sister and niece are stopping by shortly for a coffee.
Then putzing around the house and doing some reading.
I have a great book on my Kobo ‘Codependent No More’ by Melody Beattie. I first saw the book while I was in treatment. Its fantastic.
Nothing to exciting on the agenda for today.
Just taking it easy.
Sending hugs and strength to those who need it today. 
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Also, you make a good point. This IS a form of making amends. I hadn’t thought of it like that. Thanks.
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Thanks @sprinkles 
I owe a great deal to Jordan Peterson. His work set me off on this journey of self discovery/development. Made me realise I was worth the effort.
I appreciate that some of his views are disagreeable to some, but at the heart of it all, he just wants good people to fulfil their potential.
I was at my very lowest when I read 12 Rules for Life and to some extent it saved me.
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I skated around all the consequences of my first four DUIs. Then on #5 they dropped the hammer on me and wanted to put me under the jail.
I had the most wonderful judge. He gave me 48 hours to take his offer, 3 years to serve on house arrest with participation in intensive outpatient.
Changed my life.
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Day 2 checking in. Feeling miserable today but I work late tonight so hoping that will be a nice distraction to keep my mind off the booze and cocaine. One day at a time…
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Wow…so many congratulations to you good man. 
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I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this…BUT…your words do show that your brain and heart are in about as healthy a place as one could hope for. Please keep reaching out. Sending you love
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Wow that’s intense. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad that you had a judge that saw what you truly needed.
I know that guilt and regret are useless to me now, but I do believe the remorse I feel is useful. And I’m really grateful to be sober through all of this.
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