You’re not too much. You’re a whole, perfect being. Your husband loves every part of you. Including your pain, including the parts that scare the hell out of you. The parts you shelter deep in a maze of gates and shields and illusions and projections, the maze where you hide your uncertainty and pain (often so well that you yourself are unaware - this maze was created by you, for your self-preservation in your past).
I know because my wife is the same. She will blow up about something and earlier in our marriage I would just shut down or glide past it, but now (helped by my sobriety) I am learning it’s about something deeper, and we come back to that emotion, “It sounds like you feel ____; is that right?” We come back and back until we reach an understanding (which emerges from the process - neither one of us sees it clearly at the beginning). Counselling has helped; but I think mainly it was just recognizing the need to connect, and not letting the moments pass - recognizing the anxiety or hurt or anger and sticking with it, honouring it until we figure it out. “I need help. I need you to see me.”
It’s intimidating and scary in the moment itself. Sometimes I have to be (or she has to be) very assertive: “Stop. Listen. This is more important than anything now.” But invariably I’ve found I feel more strongly connected when we finish those conversations. It’s really deepened our marriage.
He’s not scared of you. He’s not scared of you at all. He longs to connect, to see you. He loves you: all the ups and downs, peaks and valleys. Trust that
I also LOVE all the strong sober women here!! And those that were here when I first joined and don’t visit as much anymore…I love and miss their wisdom and prescense.
It is so inspiring sharing this space with so many strong caring women.
Yeah, I hear and understand that. Focusing on sobriety can definitely become an obsession. Anorexia is just another method some use to feel in control. If I am focused on adding to my number of days without alcohol I’m missing the point. I’m abstaining but I’m not dealing the the mental aspect of the addiction. The constant obsession to try once again to act out without the consequences.
But AA isn’t a program to keep us sober it’s about cultivating that contact with the GOMU so that i recoil from my drug like a hot flame. It’s about dealing with the selfishness and self-centeredness so that I’m not stuck in my own head thinking about not drinking or acting out. Truth is, it’s about step 1 if I’m at that point. If I think that I have any power over my addiction than I’m in a bad way. Sure, I might carry on for a long time white knuckling it. I do have willpower. But if I’m waking up and deciding not to use today I’m choosing the hard road. For me, it’s easier turning my life over to my higher power each day and asking that those defects be removed so that I can be present for others.
With all that said, I still suck at it some days. I wanna feel in control again some days. I don’t always meditate every morning after prayer. Some days I just go through the motions. But that’s me being selfish. I want it my way or I’m just lazy. But I also have to accept that I am not a saint and the journey to being selfless isn’t easy.
But I’m also looking at life through my own lens. It’s your recovery and I have the privilege of never having experienced trauma, so far. I can get on my high horse and preach. It’s a defect when it’s not a sincere desire to help but rather to show my infinite wisdom. Go figure, a man with an ego trip. How unique I am!
I could definitely see how trying to help others who have experienced trauma or codependency to an addict could be triggering.
But it also says in the big book that alcoholics should be able to be on the firing line of life with only their spirituality and their HP to protect them. If the temptation to act out is there then it is more a problem with my spiritual condition than it is the program itself. I’m not doing a step properly, or I have more amends ro make, or I’m not doing the day to day maintenance with steps 10, 11 &12.
checking in day 91. Roommate managed to still score me a 90 day key tag for NA and CA. He presented it to me while on a zoom meeting. I don’t ever want to forget that which I thankfully don’t see happening. Sticking with what works for me. Routine is holding steady. Living life to the best of my abilities on life’s terms. I pray for easier softer days for us all however…“Long is the way and hard, that out of hell leads up to light”(John Milton) I am working hard to maintain focus on the now. Glad to have you all with me on this journey. &
Phone was too full🙄 tried to screen shot again…success thanks @anon79808082 and @Fargesia_murielae
I have to agree with you!! I look up to each and everyone of them. The strength those women have is amazing!! I was at my lowest when I came here and reading their posts gave me hope and inspiration.
Day 554. I was looking after my little niece and nephew for the last two days so their parents could work. It was exhausting but filled my heart. I’ve been doing morning meetings daily for the last 5 weeks but had to miss the last two days. I’m looking forward to that resuming, as it gets me in the right mindset for the day.
Checking in 4d 3.5hrs. Focused all day on a lot of things, mainly family but not blindfolded onto my addiction. Had 5 minutes when temptation highly kicked in and I was close to bounce off to the shop. Read posts from all of you strong people and realised why we all are doing it and where I want to be this time next year and long after…if my strength will allow me to obviously
Hope you’re doing well, too! 
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Gezelligheid!
