Day 4, I hate that I keep starting over but it is what it is. Just gotta keep looking forward.
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Hello, neighbour!
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Good luck on the interview today! Zzzzooom them away 
You will do fine
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- Coffee. The weekend’s over. Most lockdown measures will be in place for another month here. Sigh. Well OK. On we go. Sober and clean. At least I can still ride.
Lockdown or no lockdown, drinking or drugging helps with nothing. Have a good day all. Love from the polder where the Rapeseed is going crazy.
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Day 3 
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I realise I have not posted for days, saver to only respond. But not good for my recovery. I start to feel what this feeling creeping up on me is about. I feel unworthy and insecure. Wake up scared with the thought of people here on ts and life do not like me, or what I have to say, and only accept it somehow. Turning me into self doubt and hate. up for an hour I managed to talk myself to tears like I am my own bully. And I know it is the inflammations in my body making my inner talk worse, the inflamed brain. I feel like now at this point in my life, all my self set standards for being good enough to be in the world fall away.I am no longer the strong, fit, beautiful succesfull lady… all the outer stuf is different and I can only surrender and find grace into being accepted. no more acceptance over achievements. Over the last days I have been thinking about my love junkie behaviour. I always wanted to be accepted so much and was so good in covering this up that it only reveals itself to me in full glory now all falls away. Is see not only my needines but also the manipulative behaviour behind it. Yesterday I had a session with my psychologist after long time and a big pain day resulting in doing not so much. and then going to bed I feel agitated and angry and tense and realise I am just beating myself up for not achieving much… unF&&^#believable. This is how I talk to myself constantly without even realising it. I guess this is what recovery is about right? Use these moments as a kindle for transformation instead of reason to self harm. blehhhh. I am ranting and going into this day with the fear of being laughed at behind my back and all the nonsense that goes round and round in my brain. Thank you for letting me share.
And all you people out here having job interviews today: good luck!
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And still every day the sun rises. I live next to an abbey on holy grounds… what can go wrong here right 
PAX
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You are rolling in the deep. I will hang on in the slipp stream things will look up for you I am sure! Thank you for the shout out yesterday
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Hey, you keep trying so the desire is still burning in you. Figure out what you need to do to really quit though, Sara. I know you can find a way.
Don’t let this constant relapsing be your story hun.
I think one thing you can do is interact more here. Do you do meetings. There’s lots of online ones going on now.
Talk here! Whatever is on your mind.,
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**Day 582 
I need things to look forward to. Yesterday they cancelled the whole festival season in the whole country untill september. And for another month we will stay in this “intelligent” lock down.
Decided to put my holiday money wich I recieve in may on my saving account. I’m giving myself a full arm sleeve tattoo when this is all over.
Something like this I would like:
But enough time to think all my ideas over and save money. All tattoo artist are closed and when they are open maybe after months I guess there will be a big waiting list
I have to practise patient, not my talent…
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Reminding myself of my priorities in life. 562 days sober AF 
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That will be cool!
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Day 112 sober 
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Day 10 !! I been thinking about alcohol 
, the devil are around my head.
Been working a lot, I am stressed ,I know there are excuses…
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Day 132! Just hoping the quarantine will be over soon 
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Fight it Laura, it won’t help your stress; you know that.
Day 381. The last week or so has been a slide back into the beginning of depression. I’ve decided to go back on medication and start online therapy, even though it is so expensive.
I don’t want to hurt myself, or my family, so I think it is the only choice. It really scared me today, to look at my two month old son, and feel nothing, and only be able to think about dying and leaving the world behind. I’m just not going to do it again.
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Thanks Pdebs… was so anxious but did ok… good to see how you turned your day around 
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