Checking in at 6 days and four hours! Almost a week!
But today has been hard. Lots of family drama and frustration and being out of control, which drives me crazy! This whole living life day by day thing is easier said than doneš!
The desire to slip back into old-ish ways was big this time around, but I havenāt relapsed, which in and of itself is great!
Given time I know it will get easier (probably), but even then i will have bad days. But if i am as strong as i am being right now in those bad days to come, i think i will be alright.
So, news. As a few of you know, i am starting with a new therapist soon. My first appointment is on the 27th. My mother will be joining me for the first half to discuss treatment options. Iām kinda freaked out. I mean, mom is thinking possible medication (antidepressants, anxiety meds, something to help with my insomnia, the whole nine). It will be a process, which will take time and energy. I am pretty emotionally conflicted. Like, my brain is so dysfunctional that it cant produce the right chemicals so I have to get help? I just feel strange. I know that antidepressants (which is the main medication mom is looking towards) are helpful for a lot of people and can help people lead semi-normal lives. But I still never thought that I would have to come to the place where I took them.
I used to take St. Johnās Wort, but it wasnt really strong enough to help with my āBig Sad.ā
Anyways, rant over.
I am proud to be almost a week clean! Itās not exactly āa weight has liftedā type of feeling, but more of a āthis annoying kid was bothering me ad nauseam, and now they are bothering me slightly less.ā
Anyway, again. Hope you all had a great day!
I know youāve read this but it bears repeatingā¦
Rock on, big bro! 
Iām really happy the idea can be useful for you! I agree with you that it could also be healing for you. One day she will be an adult and she will be able to look at the situation with fresh eyes. Right now sheās 14 and doesnāt have the maturity or the context to understand that sheās being manipulated and lied to.
Do not even apologize for the long vent. That sounds so difficult! Iām so sorry youāre going through this. It sounds so unfair to you and honestly to your daughter as well because she doesnāt understand that this woman is using her to be a monster to you. I canāt even imagine how painful this must be for you.
Day 114.
Sober. Snowy. Iām ready for more of both. Just bring it on 
@Peace Always good to see you here, no matter your day count.
@Tomek Stay with us! Thereās lots on your plate, and your heart too, but together we lighten the load.
@Dolse71 Kinda like your keychain says, we are all so fucking proud of you. 
@Girlinterrupted Your exās antics = boo. Your amazing photos = yesssss!
@Zoozoospetals For someone whoās only been around this TS place a short while (and on earth less than a few decades), I draw a lot of inspiration from your posts. Weāre already better cuz youāre here too. Stay with us.
@RosaCando re: health care. (Come to Canada. Weāll sneak you in under the fence. Dogs and hubby too).
Gānight, big love to all
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I went and spoke with him yesterday in hope that he would reason with me. Well in all honesty I was convinced he would hear me out and then we could work on things. But he is so angry. For other reasons too. I knew but denied.
See we meet when I had not a penny to my name. I lost all my money the previous year investing in someone and a business. The way I used to make my money though was through the adult industry. So Iāve never had a problem making money appear from no where. I retired 2 years ago and since Iāve become quiet the manipulative little diva. Even though I genuinely do love the guys I hustle. I still hustle for an easy life. If Iām to be honest. I have all the intentions of starting businesses. Work etcā¦ buy shit to do it, get hyped and do nothing. Jumping to the next thing. Itās been tearing at my self worth.
I started really working on myself in those years though. Therapy. NLP. Personal development. Fitness and become emotionally intelligent. Using people for money was becoming more and more difficult. It was hurting my soul.
I was going on the vision quest to find out what my next move was in life. That lifestyle wasnāt me. That person isnāt me. My heart is pure but my ego drives the decisions. I constantly battle with my subconscious. Iām constantly exhausted from feeling lost with no real purpose because Iām complying with my ego and choosing the easy route. Which in effect fucks everything up. - I hope this makes sense.
The vision quest strips you back, takes you to basics and makes you look at yourself. Your out in the wilderness for 4 days. No food or tech. Just you, pen and paper and a sleeping bag. We do loads of ceremonies. It was the best thing Iāve ever done.
I was finally really happy in my skin. No longer the need for superficial shit. My head was clear. I felt great. Still not sure what I was going to do for work though.
Well my man did the quest with me like I said and we ended up going back to his. Well let me just say I spent the next 2 months only stealing at the floor or celling. It made sense to me to go back on the game with my partner. Who loved the idea. It was a win win. However I had buried that part of me and it was bringing all feels up. I struggled with it. I struggle to understand my emotions. Couldnāt pin point. Iād gone back to old habits.
It chipped away at both of us but we resolved it to do what we originally wanted to do. Build things and make things. Both of us are very creative, woodwork, foraging, etcā¦ (Iāve gone from being an essex Barrie to a country bumpkin) But we continued the sex and party lifestyle. I was still making no money. This would eat at me but I didnāt do anything about it. Not really. Iād have ideas. Talk the talk and get the stuff needed to not do anything productive.
Then Iād have the audacity to call him lazy when he would want to play computer and slob out. I was projecting my own shit onto him. Because I wasnāt working. I wasnāt making any money or bringing anything to the table. Apart from sex and a clean house.
Iāve taken him for granted because i slips back into old habits only Iāve done it with someone I really love. And thatās also hurt him. He blow up about it yesterday as well as the drunken antics.
I had no idea he was felt like I was being a gold digger. Iām genuinely in love with this guy. I see my future with him.
I donāt even see his money. I see him. I donāt ask for lavish things by the way. But I do suggest. So I see how it can look. I think I have an unhealthy relationship with money, sex and alchol.
Itās taken this man to kick me to the curb to really evaluate myself. Normally I donāt care and move on with my life. But I love him and I want to be with him more then anything. But I fear Iām a narcissist. I just leave a mess where ever I go.
I was so desperate for him yesterday to not let me go. Even though I Knew in my heart it was for the best because I have to sort my shit out. I was begging him.
When I reply my actions and words in mind. Not only am I desperate. Iām psycho. I was begging so hard. I couldnāt think clearly like Iāve not been able to for the last 2 months. I was saying ludicrous things.
I can see why he thinks Iām a gold digger. Iāve acted like the best alcoholic gold digger. Whilst projecting my shot on to him.
Iāve taken that poor man through the runner.
I do believe I can win him back and I will fight to get him back. I just need to find my worth. I need to actually get hands on with the projects Iāve discussed with him. I need to prove itās him I want not his money. I need to be independent and provide. I know once Iāve sorted my game out. We will be magic again.
Iām hurting because Iāve hurt him with negligence. As much as I want to stay sober for me. He is my why. Iāve never wanted someone like this before. I feel like this is the universe kicking my ass. I need to sort my shit out! As long as I stay away from alchol I know I can achieve anything.
Itās only day 3 for me. I feel like shit. Yesterday I had no sleep at all. My heart feels like itās going to jump out of its chest. My head is pounding. I feel flat. I canāt wait to just feel normal and have my mind back.
I feel this is a test. Iām praying I can do this! But all this guilt of stupidity is eating at me.
Yay congrats! Thatās gr8, Cate!
But omg I canāt pull off @CapriciousCapricorn 's dance moves with bag on headā¦ ā¦can i do bear instead?
Thank you 
Day 251~ Checking in sober. I donāt really have much more to report. I feel like I complain a lot but itās just shit thatās going on with my life. I hate to be a Debbie Downer. Mostly the same old same old; sad, stressed and sober. Yup thatās me right now. Iām pushing through and know there is so much to be grateful for and the positive greatly outweighs the negative. Life is a struggle sometimes but itās now manageable without trying to drink the struggles away. This journey is a lot of things but easy is not one of them. Gotta keep trying and knowing Iām doing what I need to do and things do get better. Keep fighting the fight. We are blessed. 
Glad you came for a rant. Feels good. Donāt it?
Congrats on almost a week. You didnāt ask for my opinion here and you can take it or leave it but Iām gonna weigh in. I think itās great getting therapy. Itās not so bad your mom is going with. But when Your mom is gone, or maybe even when your mom is there, you know your mom, I would tell the therapist exactly how I feel about taking meds.
A therapist canāt usually prescribe meds. Thatās for a psychiatrist. Both my kids and wifey are taking some kind of mood stabilizing meds. It took a little while working with a psychiatrist to get the right one and dosage. All three of them have said a different times in there life that they wished they had started taking the meds sooner in life. More than once theyāve said that. Theyāve come a long way in that department and thereās lots of them out there. If a med makes you feel a certain way tell the Psychiatrist. They can tweak it or try something else. And if you do take some meds and you donāt like them donāt just stop taking them!! That can really fuck you up. Iāve seen my child on the floor curled up like a snail cuz she didnāt want to take that particular med. it wasnāt pretty. anywayā¦Having to take a mood stabilizing med is not a weakness! Actually I think it shows strength that your willing to change.
@M-be-free49 And what Emm said. Itās great to have you around contributing.
End of day 6! I think I may have forgot to check in yesterdayā¦ I had a very busy and productive day yesterdayā¦ALCOHOL FREE.
Today started hard for me, pry one of the hardest days yetā¦ luckily my bestie called me and asked me to come over for coffee (she lives right down the hall from me). I had my orientation for treatment today and official have my first class TOMORROW! 
My other bestie that I havenāt seen since May flew in from Utah to be with me. All in all today was a good day.
Congrats to everybody on another day! one day at a time
Today I am am 90 days free of alcohol. Day 3 free of pills. Slept ok. Today would usually be my pill ārefillā day So ā¦ gotta stay vigilant. Keep on keeping on yāall.
Bravo, Iām so chuffed for you!!! 
Iām here, Iām alive and Iām sober.
Day 53
Yesterday evening my husband talked to the youth facility center. He was supposed to get a plan and something like a schedule for the teens visits and introducing here. The teen herself refused because āShe already knows usā the social service refuses to answer any questions because none of us have custody which they also refuse to help us solve. But finally we got in contact with family court in the town where the foster care family lives, and where the teen have her adress and she promised to help and change the custody over a meeting next week.
During the phone call with the youth facility center the staff there told us that according to what they know and the information theyāve received from the social service. Weāre not under investigation and wonāt be either. The reason they want to visit us is to check that we know what weāre doing and that weāre strong enough to handle it. So she doesnāt need to move again. And we know, weāve done it before with our now 18 y/o. They also want to make a home visit and see if thereās something we need for her, like a new bed a renovation a rebuild to get the teen her own room. We donāt need anything but if we did, the social services would have paid for it.
Also the youth care facility told us that the reason for having the teen there is to give her intensive treatment and calm her down a little bit after all this. So we didnāt have to get thrown in during a complete chaos and is able to get a new and hopefully somewhat harmonic start when sheās going to live with us.
Talking to her yesterday made me cry, the first thing she said was that the foster care family had packed all her things, and was coming with them next week. She thought it was unnecessary because if she wasnāt a good fit for us, they would have to unpack it again. It took my husband about a half an hour to convince her that it doesnāt care if sheās considered a good fit according to anyone else. Sheās going home and wonāt be moving again until sheās an adult, sheās family and now when we finally are involved for real and have a voice in all this mess weāre keeping her and wonāt let anyone take her away from us.
She also said that Iām not her mother. And I said I know, Iām not trying to be, but that I do care for her deeply anyway.
So today is a calm day, and I finally have some peace of mind again. No cravings and a general feeling that things will sort themselves out in a short while.
Zoom project meeting in an hour.
Wishing yāall a wonderful Thursday, and once again thank you for all your advice and support during all this. Couldnāt have done it without you
Iām sure there will be challenges ahead, but u sound ready for them, and good for u for taking them on. U will certainly need ur sober head now, but Iām sure u can do it!
Iām sorry that youāre having a hard time,and I hope it all works out for you soon. Also remember that itās Okey to not always be a little ray of sunshine and glitter, we all have bad days, weeks or even months sometimes and needs to vent it somewhere. Keep on fighting and weāre all here to listen no matter if itās ācomplaintsā as you call it, positive cheer or just memes.
Take care 
I know it will be, and donāt expect this to be easy in any way. But hopefully weāll end up making a difference in this girls life and hopefully sheāll get on the right track and eventually get the feeling that weāre there for her.
Iām ready and Iām definitely staying sober. Thereās no other way. Maybe I wonāt avoid future cravings and anxiety but I donāt have to give in for them either.
Checking in day 3. Feeling good that Iām doing things differently this time by having a sponsor and going to meetings. Looking forward to having a solid sober dayā¦ iām sure triggers will come about but I wonāt be drinking today. Stay strong everyone and have a kick ass day 
Itās great to see you back on track Jen. Proud of you my friend. Congratulations on 3 days.
Having the willingness to walk through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time and then going to meetings on a consistent basis, acquiring a sponsor and working the 12-step program of recovery has been the key to my sobriety. I found a new peace, happiness and freedom that I never thought existed. Keep reaching out and staying focused in your recovery. Jen, wishing you serenity in your journey of sobriety and just know that youāre amongst friends, like-minded people here on Talking Sober that care.
Iāve been waiting for this one for a while Cate.
Iām really really pleased that things have come together for you.
Loving watching your journey!
