Aww, no… everyone has already said it, but let me say it again. Your Mom’s inability to accept you – this is hers, maybe coming from some place inside of her that doesn’t even accept herself. Let it be hers – please don’t take it on as you are “unacceptable”. You, just like any one of us, all of us, are worthy of love and acceptance at the deepest level. (Believing it all the time, I know, is a lifetime’s work!)
This made me think of you today when I read your post:
“…every single one of us at birth is given an emotional acre all our own. You get one, your awful Uncle Phil gets one, I get one, Tricia Nixon gets one, everyone gets one. And as long as you don’t hurt anyone, you really get to do with your acre as you please. You can plant fruit trees or flowers or alphabetized rows of vegetables, or nothing at all. If you want your acre to look like a giant garage sale, or an auto-wrecking yard, that’s what you get to do with it. There’s a fence around your acre, though, with a gate, and if people keep coming onto your land and sliming it or trying to get you to do what they think is right, you get to ask them to leave. And they have to go, because this is your acre.” (Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird, p.44.)
I’d say you are tending to your acre amazingly, with courage, with grace, compassion even for others. Let your Mom tend to her acre - no sliming yours. (Easier said than done, I’m sure.) Reach out when you need to. Hopefully she can find some healing, some capacity to accept you for exactly who you are.
Day 264~ I’ve been having some extreme moods lately. Like I’ll be fine all day and then something just sets me off and completely changes my mood. I dunno just something I’ve noticed. on a good note I made my first banana split tonight! The customer must have liked it he gave me a $5 tip!
Day 127.
I had a moment (or a million) of overwhelm today, which was quickly squelched by “no, no, I can do this. all those guys on TS said so…”
This place is amazing. You are amazing. Not to compare, but as a group of humans, we are doing an incredible job every day to show up to our lives and make the changes we badly want – in who we are and how we live. We are facing tough stuff from the past and uncertain futures in ways we haven’t always, or haven’t until now. We are learning to love ourselves better, and love others more too. And we are sooo here for each other – the generosity of support and kindness and encouragement on this thread, in this forum, is positively overwhelming.
I couldn’t be more grateful to be a part of this place.
These are not easy days, all of them, but damn – we’re killing ‘em.
412 Days. Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. Hubby is still in the hospital. Doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong. Thought it was an infection in his blood but all his labs came back fine. He had a cat scan tonight so hopefully we’ll know more when the doctor comes in with the results. I’m very thankful he chose sobriety a couple weeks ago or this could be a lot worse.
It doesn’t look like he’ll be home to celebrate his birthday tomorrow and I can’t take our daughter to see him because of the covid restrictions. I even tried to get an exception but no go.
I haven’t had time to study for my state exam scheduled for Friday. I’m calling them in the morning to see if I can reschedule. Fingers crossed.
My heat still isn’t working and my fire starting skills are getting better. Tomorrow is suppose to warm up so that’s a plus.
Day 114. Some days it feels like forever others it feels like just yesterday. I’m back in school and working toward my degree, planning a wedding and trying to homeschool my 10 year old! One day at a time. Stay safe everyone.
2 m 18 d,
I have been operated from a mole on my back last week. Minor operation that is, but I was still grounded from sport for a week. Perfect recipe for building up tension and stress. Anyway today I riiiiide, the weather is nice and my legs are restless. Have a good day people
Coffee. Woke up at 4:30 because of some election halfway across the globe. Now it seems we have to wait days for the result. It’s 8:25 now, time to think of some useful stuff to do today. As of yet I’m undecided about either riding my road bike, starting to prepare my living room, bathroom and/or bedroom for the paint job I have in mind (I got the paint yesterday), or go out and get myself new pedals for my other bike since I broke one yesterday getting the paint. The last one is the easiest and least time consuming. Might do that since it’s my holidays.
Have to go to meet the second therapist for my upcoming therapy tomorrow. That’s a 50 km bike ride away for which I need new pedals. Friday is my birthday. Maybe it’s a good idea to start my paint project after that. OK. Getting new pedals today.
Thanks for letting me think a bit here. All clean and sober. Drinking or drugging not involved at all. So glad for that. I read that over here in Netherlands alcohol and marijuana consumption are up since Corona, and xtc and coke use is down. Logical when I think of it. Not so long ago I would have smoked and drank like hell to numb all the anxiety this time causes. Now I am facing it head on, which is not easy but helps me so much to move forward in life. Have a good day all. Sober and clean. Love from Amsterdam.
Day 774 - super stressful day. Woke up to a leak in my roof, had to take the day off work and get that taken care of, and then you know, election. Didnt sleep well and had been super tired all day.
Day 17. Well they say if you fall from a great height in your dreams you wake up before you hit the ground. Well in my dreams last night I smoked some meth and then jumped off a skyscraper and hit the floor and died… I did this around 10 times in my dreams last night. Each time I hit the floor I half woke up. Very tiring I have to say. Glad to be awake, day 17 let’s have ya!
Double digits , the last 4 days have been whilst on holiday in Tenerife, which would usually consist of drinks with lunch then falling asleep until dinner , and then starting again even though I felt like shit
Without alcohol I am getting time to explore , swim and exercise whilst feeling clear headed and happy . I know its only early days but I figure that if I can do it here that will give me confidence to continue. Feeling good
Day 103 booze, 16 pills
Impending lockdown, parental health issues, political chaos in the US. Stressful. But the sun is out and I have a day off and will take my bike out for a ride in the hills. Mood follows action. Hope all are doing well today.
Sober is all we can do, Dan – I’ve been trying to not be stressed yesterday/this morning as well, but failing in that dept at the moment! Gave up on trying to ignore the election while things are still being counted, pretty much glued to it now. Running on about 4hrs sleep here.
just something I’ve noticed. 
on a good note I made my first banana 
split 
tonight! The customer must have liked it he gave me a $5 tip! 
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