Day 96: Got my wish and had a beautiful snowy morning and it kept falling till noontime. Today was full and festive with snow shoveling, snowman 
making and then snowman destroying (my dogs are silly), finishing touches on decorating the home and a bunch of cookie baking. Hubby has not so great family memories about holidays and we have spent the last several years working on building our own traditions. This year he’s been into it even more than I and it’s heartwarming to see. He helped with the baking today and I even turned on some jazzy Christmas tunes and then the Charlie Brown’s Christmas album. He said that it’s his favorite when I turned it on. I have been working hard to confront my sadness at being away from loved ones, from hearing about others’ sadness and my worry for family and friends who are fighting COVID right now. My old standby coping mechanism of avoidance only works for so long and at a certain level. I hear other folks here on TS struggling. I, too, have overwhelming moments. I feel things so strongly and sometimes wish for the polar opposite, or, dare I say, an even keel. I do not want to go the way of ambivalence - it’s not a good look for me and too close to the numbing of emotion I sought from drinking. And so I’m just here waking up everyday laying there wondering…what’s this brain going to be up to today, and how about this body, while we’re at it? Just have to keep seeking the forward motion, and sometimes all that moves are the hands on the clock, and that’s okay, too. Wishing you all some peace and warm feelings. Big love out to you. 
I’m really glad you did get it out. I hope it helped. My heart aches for you reading that and at the same time I felt heard without saying a word - the power of sharing. So, thank you for posting when you were hurting.
Hugs 
girl. Keep your head up. 
Hi everybody have a great day as always.
@anon74766472 plenty of disagreements happen on here, I didn’t notice yours but if being on here helps you, then stay.
@liv_m i am sorry you are hurting. I also have periods where my husband and I are totally on different wavelengths and he doesn’t understand me at all. It can be very frustrating and hurtful.
@anon27700620 Don’t apologize, post what u need. Sorry u are having a hard time.
@Rockstar24777 glad the op went ok. I didn’t know all u went through, u are so strong to get thru that.
@bluejai Glad to see u!
Awww! That makes me so happy, Fleur!
congrats on your one year sober and thanks for sharing it with us mere mortals 
Congratulations!!! That’s AMAZING!!!
Well done one 1 year! 
I am glad ur husband tries to understand. My husband is very easy-going (which has its benefits at other times) and always says “u think too much” or “u shouldn’t get so upset”.
Love this 
forgive all and release… It does wonders for our soul and our ability to move forward in life… And rob my friend I have no doubt in my mind that you are moving on stronger than ever… You are worth a beautiful life 
… Glad you are well after the surgery… Now go home and rest and start planning your life, because its waiting for you 
Woke to at 11am today. I’ve been hard on myself lately for not waking up at dawn like my normal morning routine requires, ive been laying in bed with Netflix till 2 or 3am most nights coz I sleep in till late morning, but I need to be nicer to myself and not sweat the small stuff. I don’t need to be anywhere to have to get up at dawn. I have no morning responsibilities. Zero. So its no big deal if my routine has been flexible latley. The world will not end because I did not get up at dawn 
. It just makes me feel very unproductive and it makes me feel like I’m loosing time and loosing days. It makes me feel like I’m running out of time. I’ve started to lately feel this quite often , the running out of time bit. Since I turned 40, I’ve begun to really think about time. Never in My life had it concerned me before I lived every day like it was my last. Without a worry in my mind. Now , I feel time ticking away so fast and I feel like I’m not doing anything miraculous and substantial with my life. The feeling that I’m not doing enough and I need to be doing more with my life is stronger than ever. Im at a cross roads since covid hit, i can no longer do the work I was doing the past 20years. I now need to decide what I want to for income and work from here…this is a very stagnant, frozen time I feel I’m in. I know on the bright side, this is a huge opportunity, the possibilities are endless, I get to start again, Start a new chapter in my life, begin a new adventure, take a new path, develop a new story line of my life… I know all this. And that is an amazing feeling knowing that I don’t know what’s ahead of me. Its exciting and life changing… I’m just having trouble deciding on what to do… I feel like I’ve hit the 2nd half mark of my life and what I choose to do, I want it to matter. Fomo…so journalling is a common thing multiple times a day now lol. Getting my monkey mind clear and on paper really does help with the brain dump and clears out what I didn’t know is sitting in my mind…what to do what to do hmmmmm
End of the day. Will wake up to 22 completed days in the morning. Today I had some brief thoughts about how fun alcohol can be, but it’s such a f***ing lie. The hangovers, poor health, strained/destroyed relationships, shakes, and bad sleep will never be worth the dopamine hit. Alcohol is shit and I never want it in my body again. Thankful for all you beautiful people. You’re helping me win every single day.
Awwww that was really sweet April thank you!!! Yes, I’m excited for the future and all the good things I’m going to bring into my life. Have a wonderful evening!!!