Checking in day 4. I’m feeling exhausted and groggy today. I couldn’t fall asleep last night. Yesterday was busy and productive but also overwhelming. Finished Christmas shopping and almost everything is wrapped. We drove by my school. Went to my husbands brothers house so I could check it out, as we will be moving in with him in March. Financially it is the best decision since I will not have an income while in school. I will be selling my house in an effort to pay for school and while I knew this was coming (it’s a small townhouse, entirely too small for two people and two dogs), I still have remorse. I bought this house almost 8 years ago. My Kiowa girl (she’ll be 11 this year) and I lived here for 5 years on our own and it was some of the best years. I managed 4 years sober here. It wasn’t perfect but it was good and things feel hard right now even though there’s a lot to look forward to.
So needless to say I’m still in bed and I’m trying to be okay with the fact that today will probably not be productive. I had plans for today but they may have to wait for another day. Self care Sunday? I think yes. 
Great job on your 2 weeks. 
I really think sometimes we think wayyy too much about what we don’t want but don’t gives a lot of space for what we actually want… it’s inconfortable to actively be in search of meaning, but I think it’s necessary if we want to keep moving forward…
Hope you’re doing fine @Tomek
Congratulations on being such a fighter. You should be exhausted. You’re doing so well.
It’s really hard to cut family out of your life. But so worth it. We’ve had to cut family out of our lives. For various reasons. Not a mother. But a child. So that’s close enough. (Child is back. All is great) not everyone is in a position to cut a family member out of their lives. But I have not one regret about the family members we’ve cut out of our lives. We didn’t need that shit. We had to make a stand.
@Drave congrats on 3 weeks 
@MagicILY congrats on another 3 weeks
@M-be-free49 well done for getting through all this sober, safe travels home for your well-earned rest
@Mno sorry you’re feeling unwell, hope you recover quickly also sorry about the dispute with your friend, I hope you’re okay 
@anon27760155 so sorry to hear this Danni, you’re a strong woman, I’m so glad you felt that care from a stranger, and congrats on 90 days and graduating
@zzz congrats on 2 weeks
100 days no cocaine 
I think.Ive said before that I was a secret addict, so none of my family know, so unbeknownst to them, my brother turning up at the cemetery with his wife and my niece was the best reward I could ever have dreamed of! I hadn’t seen my niece since 20th Sept and she had the biggest smile on her face when she saw me, it melted my heart and filled me with pure joy, especially as I won’t be able to see them until next year now due to my city being in tier 4. The ornaments all look lovely on my mum’s grave, much brighter, happier colours that I think she would be grateful for.
I got invited to my friends for dinner this afternoon, it was so good, and I was able to take them their gifts.
I have found yet another job I’m going to apply for, I am really doubting myself at the moment, I keep having nightmares of being interviewed and not getting the jobs over and over again, which just adds to the doubt, but alas I will keep trying, it’s all experience.
I’m so grateful to be sober, and really looking forward to attending CA again on Tuesday evening.
Day 321. Went Christmas light peeping with the girls last night. I still feel weird, I had the hardest time sleeping last night I just couldn’t shut my mind off, I woke up this morning super thirsty and felt hungover as fuck super grouchy, took my second dose of medicine, now Im having like random burst of energy but not actually wanting to do anything with the energy, my legs are super bouncy like I can’t stop moving them, I feel jittery, but I still just don’t feel like moving. I’m not really sure I geuss have a good day.
Keep in touch with your doctor who prescribed it. I know they say it takes a couple weeks generally, like April said, but if it’s too weird let them know.
Mike, I’m a bit out of the loop, but what are you taking? Antidepressants? Is it still paxil or something else? You just started, right?
Asking because antidepressants, especially SSRIs, can take up to 8 weeks to work as they should…and in the meantime, can do some strange things as your body gets used to it, possibly even making things temporarily worse. Super common from my understanding.
I think it’s worth a discussion with your doc just to check that it’s normal. Be careful just stopping it on your own, that can also cause some weird shit.
All the best.
Yeah it’s laxepro. I’ve tried paxil, welbutrin, Zoloft, prozac, and venflaxazine before but I was drinking and drugging then so they really fucked with me.
The doctor I felt was quick to diagnose me, only had a hour appointment and said I had severe adhd, severe social anxiety and something about worrying I had a hard time comprehend what she said because my mind was all over the place focusing on my girls. She said we can’t treat the adhd yet, but asked if I wanted to treat the social anxiety or worrying first. I said social anxiety and she prescribed me the laxepro. I tried asking don’t you think this stuff will just get better in time and she said no it would all need to be treated. She asked if I was manic but said we can’t actually tell because I’ve been drinking since I was 15, drugging since I was 21. So she diagnosed me off from the age of 6 to 15.
I know I will 
I’m just super sensitive to stuff and I can literally feel it I’m so inner self aware that any little different feeling and I panic, start obsessing and worrying something is wrong lol. So yeah hopefully it works, like even typing my hands are so jittery right now. Just feels weird
The problem is that on one hand we have temptation to stay passive, and on the other hand we have to use willpower to become active (we aren’t tempted at all to do so). We are tempted to stay passive and to stay in the grey areas of our minds, because it’s familiar and cozy and we don’t have to push ourselves to stay in this state of mind. To break out we have to use willpower constantly and keep ourselves in an unpleasant situation for long, until we get accustomed to it and consider it as a new normal, when we don’t have to use willpower to maintain that situation any more, and we can feel cozy in it. The difficult thing is that there are so many areas in an addict’s life, where one should do this shift, and if they don’t do it simultaneously, they will slip back on one area harder than ever.
Thank you, I’m ok, on a bit of downhill, but it will be ok I guess.
Are you doing fine? I don’t see you here much lately.
Dont sell your home. There must be another way to pay for school?? What are you going to study?
Day 104: Woke up feeling unwell physically and emotionally from a dream where I had slipped and was hiding my drinking and lying about it on TS. That heavy guilt and shame feeling, and then woke up to realize I had slept soooo late. I had already been up early with an alarm to administer meds but went back to bed and slept for several more hours and missed the next med time and feeding the dogs. Felt angry and discombobulated. Angry at myself and angry that my husband let me sleep so late, didn’t do the dogs stuff, etc. He said it looked like I needed the sleep and we figured out a plan so things aren’t all on my shoulders to care for the dogs. I haven’t had dreams like that before. It’s a few hours later and I’m still in a funk and not feeling great. Today is just not going my way but what to do about it? I am working on distracting myself and also understanding that these days happen. I need a hug. I used to say on days like this that I needed a glass of wine or whatever I was drinking. But not now. Le sigh…sorry if I’m a downer. Putting out some love today for everybody 
Hope you’re all feeling it.
Also these temptations are our biggest obstacles in sobriety, because we reward ourselves by letting us being tempted. We reward ourselves by falling for these temptations and loosening the strict rules of mindfullness, because for us “reward” is the compensation for the lack of “self-love”.
We got our heavy burdens on our shoulders and we couldn’t handle that, so we suspended our lives and stopped loving ourselves and letting others to love us. And we did the same that those parents do, who don’t have time or patience for their children - they keep buying them presents, letting them eat as much chocolate as they want, letting them stay awake for long in the evening and sleep in in the mornings, etc. They loosen the rules in exchange for the lack of love. We do the same I guess and we are those unloved, spoiled, lost children keep falling for their temptations.
Triple digits is huge! Big congrats Tyler. Keep going. One day at a time. Good work friend.
You’re not a downer at all. I’ve had a similar dream and they can be really rattling. Sending you big hugs
Congratulations on your 100 days Tyler. What a great Christmas gift to yourself. You deserve it so much.
Proud of you.
Congratulations @CATMANCAM!! I’m really proud of you. I know how hard it is to let go of coke. I was hooked on it for years. I haven’t done it in 15 months but I still have cravings here and there. Keep up the good work.