Day 33. Today is hard. I got in a fight with my boyfriend this afternoon. I am still feeling emotional like yesterday, and things just blew up. If you investigate the fight it seems like something fairly inconsequential. Itās nothing to break up over. But for me it is pointing towards issues that are raising doubts for me.
Back on June 1st I stopped drinking and it began my long stretches of no alcohol. Even though I have drank a few nights since then, that was a major turning point for me. The reason I stopped that day was because the night before I had gotten in a big fight with my boyfriend. I take responsibility for that night because I basically got drunk and then got so angry at him ā and he wasnāt even home. I felt so crazy afterward. I just got angrier and angrier. I called my friend and told her everything I was upset about. I was pretty blacked out, but she knows and remembers everything I said that was bothering me about the relationship. When he got home I left to stay elsewhere for the night.
I was so upset with how I behaved (and also because I was so mad that it scared my dog, and I just have this glimpse of a memory of him shaking and standing by the front door that is seared in my mind and I never want to do that to him again) that I stopped drinking the next day. I saw the alcohol as the root of the problem, and it definitely made things worse. But now, after being primarily sober since June and completely without alcohol and weed for the last 33 days, I am starting to wonder if there is a fundamental issue in our relationship that is still there and the alcohol just made come out in a particularly explosive way. Sober or drunk, itās going to come out at some point.
I have serious concerns that we are not meant to be together. If we cannot communicate and work on a simple project together like what caused the fight tonight, how can we form a life and partnership? We need to have a real conversation, not a fight about this, and I am trying to think about what I need to say. It is not easy for me to voice my feelings in relationships because I have trauma from past abusive and harmful relationships. I need to think about what I really need to say and how to say it before we can have a constructive conversation.
I also know that circumstances because of covid have made things even more difficult than they normally would be, so I am trying to keep that in mind. It adds a whole new challenging layer to being in a relationship.
After our fight today, I left for an hour and a half and talked to my friend and my mom on the phone to help work through some of my thoughts. I have many things to talk to him about, but it is clear he was drinking when I went out. So I am going to wait til the morning. I donāt foresee any further issues tonight, but if anything comes up that is too much for me to deal with, I have already scoped out a couple of hotel options as a back up. Moving forward, I was already planning to get out of town to just get some space and changes things up from the monotony of being home all the time, so I may move that date up closer. I also found out that my parents are out of town in mid-January, so I could go stay there and have a little retreat to clear my mind. I think I really need some space to think things through.
I definitely felt the urge to drink when I came home and started to think of facing this evening sober. I am resolved not to though. I know that I will not, even though the desire is there. I can get through this without alcohol and alcohol will not make the situation any easier.
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. Itās not the busiest time and really just emergency support I suppose.
š Iām a little self conscious about my english skills, I tend to have low self esteem and often feel like I donāt have anything meaningful to say to you guys ā¦ but arenāt that just excuses of an addictās brain? Just reading on here is easy, itās sharing I have to learn 
