Thanks for your words. A really appreciate this. I have these thoughts that come and go. No maniac phases, I am afraid. Depression runs in my family, father suicide when I was 5. His mother tried some times w/o success and is still living at 95. 
Just for today. I think this fucking absence of sun and social distance is adding up.
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@Dazercat WHOOP WHOOP. . .fanfrickentabulous Eric. Congratulations on 1 year of kicking ass on a daily basis. You were one of the early ones chiming in when I first came to TS and your words continue to inspire me and your memes keep me smiling. Love you twat 
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200 days. . .It is hard to believe this is my second entry into the 200 club. I honestly wouldnāt be here if it wasnāt for some very special people here on TS. My days have been a rollercoaster ride but with the support here Iāve been able to hang tight and stay sober. My next goal is 218 days. After that itās a whole new path for me as I will be the longest sober in 30+ years. If you are here on day one or day thousand and one you are here and are fighting the good fight. Letās keep kicking ass at kicking ass.
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Yeah, this season makes it a lot more difficult. Make sure to open all the curtains in the mornings even if itās cloudy and even you donāt have the mood for it. There is still some light coming in, it helps your body to recover. Are you on pills?
Is there anything that would feel good right now? To eat a certain food, take a bath, watch an old, favoutire movie?
Are you in total lockdown?
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Hi Diamonster! I know how you feel ā¦ I often think it wouldnāt matter if I was dead, because Iām not important enough and someone else would do the tasks I do. That my existence doesnāt make any difference to the world and so I might just end it so I donāt have to endure all this pain in my soul anymore.
Iām sure you know about resources for help you can use, as you wrote above, so Iām not going to lecture you about thatā¦
Maybe, just maybe you donāt give the world enough credit. It can be great and wild and wonderful and so can the people on it - we just have to let them. In my experience, I often choose to look away from the good things when I feel depressed like that. Getting out of bed and taking a walk to change perspective a little helps me the most, even if itās hard.
I donāt know much, but I know that after every phase I felt low like that, there were phases where I felt ok. This too shall pass 
in the meantime talk to us on TS 
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Happy sober birthday! Youāre an inspiration and TS is lucky to have you 
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I was never the depressive kind of person that stayed in bed. I am outside as much as possible. I hope it will get better after my movement. I was in contact with my landlord today and she scares me a lot. I feel anxiety rising when I see that she texted me.
We are in total Lockdown here in Germany. We can still go out, I am glad. And on Monday I can go to work as I cannot work from home which is a clear plus for me.
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@Kaeo congrats on 2 years! 
@Jdiaz congrats on 40 days
@Hotic congrats on 2 years!
@Bomdhil congrats on double digits
@manishc congrats on 2 weeks
@Private50 congrats on 3 weeks
@Dazercat congrats on your soberversary 
@Squirt congrats on 200!
145 days no alcohol .
113 days no cocaine.
I did what I said I was going to do last night, and started a 2021 journal. It felt good, that was the first time Iāve written a journal entry since I got clean, I feared Iād never be able to do it without cocaine, so it feels like an achievement.
There is a 99p sale on Kindle books, so I treated myself to 4 new ones. The one I decided to read first is amazing so far, itās called āLove yourself first! Boost your self-esteem in 30 daysā by Mark Reklau. Itās really easy reading and a lot to think about.
Iāve got 20 mins left of the 4th Bourne movie, then Iāve just got the 5th one left to watch. They have been really good, I like action movies, but it seems Iāve never watched some of the best ones! Might start on the Bond ones next 
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I was feeling a bit like why canāt I drink today and have a smoke but online meetings help a bit until you get the ones that donāt actually want to talk about recovery just how bad their day has been. But coming on here and seeing sober days like this and others really makes me smile for you and for me. Well done, thank you 
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Wow Eric!!! Iām lost for words! 
What an amazing accomplishment!! 
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I was just wondering who it was who lost his rat some days ago as I am currently thinking about a pet. I am between rats or cats. I guess combing both is mortal for one of them 
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That book sounds amazing thanks have to look it up
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Having a lazy day, sneaking in a little work to help out one of my guys, and getting prepared for my next class. My younger daughter went back to Daddy yesterday, so itās nice quiet time with the love of my life, pictured below 
Iāve turned a corner with my sobriety and I wish I could give this feeling inside me away. For so many years I felt I was missing out by not drinking, itās literally the opposite. Iām so glad Iām the one not drinking. For the first time, I have a vivid recollection of what it feels like to drink and it makes my stomach turn.
For so many years I was programmed to believe there was only one way to get sober, and unfortunately, that way was counterproductive for me. It works for millions of people, just not me. I canāt explain this feeling, and Iāll never get complacent. If people are struggling try everything and anything you can until you find what works for you. Nobody can dictate how you get sober. For me it was medication, intensive therapy, good support, and this forum!!!
Do I have room to talk at only 7 months sober? Likely not. However, I donāt recall ever being happy in my life. Iām finally content and peaceful. Even relationship wise. The thought of a dude penetrating my happy little bubble is non-appealing. Thatās never happened before. Besides, I have Svetlana āLittlesā 
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Bless you Eric. One full wonderful year of sobriety friend. Yes, 2020 has been amazing for us. Thanks for sharing your road and sharing mine. Huge congrats and enormous thanks.
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Thatās great! I was speaking from my perspective of isolating fom the world and hiding in my cave when feeling my lowest.
Hope the landlord-stuff turns out ok! And yay for being able to go back to work 
Iām in Germany too (will be moving to Austria soon though) and I chose the worst time in history for my sabbatical, so Iām stuck at home 
canāt wait to work again in summer!
Ps: great profile picture! 
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Where in Austria? I am in Ravensburg. So, technically not so far away from Bregenz area.
So close! Currently in Cologne, will be moving back to my hometown of Vienna end of february.
Liebe GrĆ¼Će nach Ravensburg
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You might know Iām a cat guy. Iām sure Luna played and plays a big part in me being around, and in being sober and clean. I love my shy little big friend so much. Truly someone to come home for. Rescuing a pet gives so much extra positivity too.
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Here comes the balloons!! ā¦ (sorry my clowns were a little early)ā¦ You have been such a great asset to this community. Proud of you for quitting drinking and continuing to quit! Its not always easy but its always worth it!!
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A book that helps me to overcome these low points: Edith Eger: The choice (transtated to German as: Ich bin hier und alles ist jetzt). It is a really great read and a great help for a lot of issues including depression.
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