Day four and wanted to cave again so badly at wine o’clock. Went to a zoom AA meeting instead. Made all the difference in fighting the crave. Proud I passed on the drink and stayed sober, even if it was just for today. 
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All we have is today, well done!
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Feeling divided.
Those of you that asked, I am fine apparently my pulse rate was over 100 this morning, and my Dr. Freaked out over it, really was nothing to be paranoid about. However my one friend is still trying to get me to set him up with her, I told him to get sick and make an appointment but thanks for asking guys.
I got an email this morning from a local dept. Looking to move forward, at first I was like hell yeah. But remembered all the No’s I got recently so I was like eh, do I even try? But then I am like wait, what if this is my only chance? And then I’m further divided by I made a decision to stay here for someone else, I cut myself short to accommodate another.
Before I was told my alcohol abuse and my life getting better, were not correlated, everytime things didn’t work, I’d move on to bigger and better yet never enough, people have said I was running which is far from the truth I left NEPA for better opportunities, if anyone is from there they can verify no jobs, no future just a dying area. My last venture led me south said it was just a stop, Then I met my Mrs. And stayed. Well things went bad, was gonna just change direction and started to sprout out, I had interviews in So Cal, Texas, NC and Tennessee, I withdrew went to treatment and decided to stay where I am at to fix my relationship, based on conversations between her and I, well obviously that didn’t go as planned and now I’m stuck here, half of me just wants to go out on another binge just to land in a rehab elsewhere so I can start over there, other half of me wants to find the right way to do it right.
Instant gratification with instant results,vs do the right thing and get better results damn
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That’s awesome,
Here I am thinking I’m cool cause my vocal coach worked with guys like Seether, and other national artists. That tops it
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Whoot! Well done, what a great feeling 
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Thank you, I appreciate it,
I do understand the long term vs the short term, is it worth it in the end gig. It’s just frustrating I feel like I set myself farther back by the choices I have made. Which I really did
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60 days today. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but…beep beep baby! Feeling like I can fully keep this going. Thank you all.
Bye for now…
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Toot away JB!!! Be proud of what you’ve accomplished day by day!!!
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That’s excellent! The wine o’clock cravings are reeeaaaaalllll. The first few days I had to force myself to stay outside playing with my son and dog and not inside the house (we still have alcohol cause my husband still drinks) during the wine o’clock cravings.
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Right there with you! Yay us! Finished up a successful day 60 at a meeting. Hitting my bed tonight sober and happy. I can deal with tomorrow when it gets here.
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Checking in - Day 13.
In general feeling good. Losing weight, less bloated, no hangovers.
But the stress levels continue to mount.
For 3 months now I’ve been asking my husband to move out - I want a separation. We have a son together and I want this to be as amicable as possible, so we still work as a unit. But every. Single. Week. Like clockwork he thinks that if he just ignores my requests for a separation then he can just brush it under the rug and I’ll somehow magically forget everything.
It’s now been almost 2 weeks sober and nothing in my mind has changed. These reasons for separation are not linked to my drinking. Just feeling frustrated that it’s like Groundhog Day and I constantly have to restate my intentions for separations and ultimately divorce.
But silver lining - no urges, presently, to drink. I want to be strong and stable for my son and I can’t be my best self and best parent while drinking.
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Still wide awake… Got a dog that’s winning to go out and it 2.30 in the morning… Fuck my life at times!!
Should be asleep but nooo!
My heads fried and weve got another 5 weeks of this bull crap on staying In!
Barely coping as it is.
I think I’m gonna do what Tom hanks does in castaway
Wilson
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Sweet CC big congrats to u way to go! Thank you. So u are a database guy, huh? Code guy here, but I do get to build the db’s for most of the apps I build! Gotta say I love my job.
Bye for now…
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Day 47! Feeling good and steady. Channeled a lot of creative energy. Moving from brainstorming some projects into actually producing them and I love that feeling!
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Separation or divorce can be taxing. I never been married but been in the live in situation for long enough that its pretty similar
To be honest how is your husband as far as the idea of separation? Is he accepting of it? Does he want to work things out? Is he mad that you made the choice and not him?
There could be the idea that he doesnt think your serious,
I’m sorry to hear your going through this, at least your maintaining your sobriety
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Yep - DB2 on Linux/Unix for a giant bank/investment firm.
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Thank you Donna!
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Thank you!! It IS so real!! Same with my household, as my husband still drinks. Distractions to get through!
I often have doubts or as you say feel divided. In German it is ‘Zweifel’, ‘entzweit’ which means that there is always 2 sides, pros and cons. We have to decide and live with the consequences which makes it so difficult. For some people, from a distance, it is easily said or obvious but in the situation it is often not easy or obvious.
Well, one thing is for sure, I guess 
, sobriety must come first or all other things fall apart.
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