Checking in, day 113. I have a cold and feeling pretty tired, but luckily not depressed. There will probably be another 3-week lockdown, even stricter than the current one, both schools and kindergartens will be closed. Together with the recent school holiday it will be a month. I’m a bit concerned about my work, because it’s pretty hard to do all my tasks while the kids are at home. I’m working on a movie amongst others and it’s almost impossible to focus on while they’re around, I’m afraid I’ll make mistakes I won’t even notice. Maybe I’ll work during the evenings, but it’s unsustainable on the long-term. We’ll see.
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You’re right, I have no idea what that life would have become. I’m quite certain my thinking is not sound, but these are my current feelings nonetheless. I guess I just fantasize that it would have been much happier and that’s probably not helpful at all.
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First appointment is scheduled for Thursday. Really hoping it helps me.
Thank you for saying this. I have never heard it explained this way. I am 100% in panic mode. In a strange way, the instability of my mind right now feels like the instability of my mind in a hangover, or even while drinking.
I really hope so. Thank you so much for your encouragement.
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I don’t feel this way, Jenna. I really respect you and your insights. Thank you for helping me along.
I did think about this early on, but never followed through. I am beginning to wonder if working the 12 steps somehow would bring some stability to my life. So far I’ve only been relying on this group and podcasts.
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I’m glad that you liked it.
You can be sure that when I was standing there by King Tut’s tomb, I had a hell of a hard time believing that I was actually in the Valley of the Kings !
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@anon27700620 thank you for sharing your video, so amazing to see it like this 
@Lotusflower congrats on double digits 
@MagicILY congrats on 90 days
@AdvntrLane congrats on 50 days
200 days no alcohol 
168 days no cocaine.
I’ve had a migraine all day today. Attended DBT on Zoom. Ate healthy meals. Did one walk. Feeling okay. I also got invited for a Covid Vaccine next Weds which I’m very happy about 
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I’m glad that you liked it, thanks for the positive comments.
Congratulations on 200 days… I’m not far behind you !
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Congratulations on your
Tyler. That’s awesome.
Sorry about the migraine. That sucks. I’ve had the worst headache since yesterday along with my bad back. It really sucks. My sons had a migraine for a day or so now too. I think I can handle the bad back pain better than the headache. I hope your migraine goes away soon. But hey. 200 days AF. Great job my friend.
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76 days drink free
35 days nicotine free
Thanks everyone for your posts. Reading all your stories keeps me afloat!
35 days nicotine free
Thanks everyone for your posts. Reading all your stories keeps me afloat!
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Way to go Emily !!
Great job racking up all those days.
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It’s really an on and off process. I am realizing that I am more deeply addicted than I thought. It’s like I have so many feelings and thoughts that bring me back to the urge of drinking - it’s annoying, frustrating and depressive. And it’s weird that it feels like it’s getting harder. I hope it’ll pass a little… I mean, in the past 5-6 years it has become a possible diagnosis that I was cyclothymic, but since I first sobered up in 2018 for 198 days I realized that, even if I am cyclothymic, most of the symptoms are related to drinking. Like, I am depressive about not drinking. When I was high or excited I use to drink and do stupid shit. So now, even if I get my mood high or low, not drinking makes me either frustrated or more depressed! I don’t know if I’m clear, but anyways, I realized this last Monday that I am kind of in a grief.
I am in grief of alcohol. And I can’t seems to be able to let go of that possibility. And it’s not like when you’re day 1 and are afraid of being able to drink ever again. It’s more like, right now I feel like shit, even after 165 days, and I know I am living the life I want to be living, but I still can’t get drunk right now and it’s frustrating . And I know I know… it’s not even true, I don’t really to get drunk because I have values and stuff I want to become, protect, and stuff that matters. That doesn’t mean my alcoholic self doesn’t want anymore booze.
I think it’s the first time I talk about my self as an alcoholic one. At least partly alcoholic. And I am beginning to see why there is no such thing as a “total remission” in alcohol use disorder. There’s only “in early remission” or “in sustained remission” in the DSM. And I am just starting to realize that this feeling, this alcoholism will always be there. Maybe not the physical envy of drinking, not even the ideas, but the fight against it will have to remain.
Right now if it wasn’t because of outside responsibilities I would probably leave it. My girlfriend is having a important thing going on for the next week so I can’t do that to her - thanks to her, because it’s Friday and I wouldn’t give a damn if I was alone. I’m tired of rationalize and going back to what count for me and all… even if it’s what I want, it is hard. Harder than a month ago or 2 even.
But I don’t want to drink, because my life would be a mess. So I don’t. Right now I’ve been thinking about trying CBD oil. I have some at home, only tried it once when I was drunk. I have never been addicted to those kind of thing as it doesn’t have any “euphoric” feeling associated with - unlike booze. I am in discussion with my girlfriend and my therapist about this. I am thinking about trying to make a room for it as an occasional tool. I’ve been wanting to wait further into sobriety before adding this. I wouldn’t want this to be a slippery slope. But just thinking that I could have a night off chilling on this on the weekend calm immediately my urge to drink. So i don’t know. No one has the answers. For some it would be a total no-go. For me, I am not afraid of cannabis because I smoked a lot in my teenagers but never craved for it. Even avoided it in the last couple of years. So CBD for me doesn’t seem to detrimental. And my idea of sobriety , really I don’t care about being under the influence. For me it’s really alcohol that’s been killing me. Anyways, it’s in the air. Just talking about it calm me a little. Funny thing I think about this since 1-2 months and never used it. I guess I like the idea that if one day I am close to relapse on alcohol I would go for this instead. Like I’ve been doing with fast food or binge netflixing…
@Tomek I hope you’re fine. The lockdown here in Canada is still intense. Curfew, pretty much everything closed still… I wish you will find some peace at your place and some ways to get your work up to your standards.
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İ didn’t use porn today!
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Goodnight everyone
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Thank you Tyler. Most appreciated. Feeling strong! Hope your feeling better and have a relaxing evening! Great about covid Vaccine.
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Checking in. Past my bedtime but can’t sleep, just had a fair run of shitty days recently and can’t shake it. Therapy was good this morning in as much as it felt like some progress happening, but it was draining. Tried getting through to the doctors to get back on some antidepressants or whatever but they are fully booked. Although I know it’s not really worth calling if you don’t do it first thing, especially with Covid, so I set myself up for that. Argument with my partner this evening. Serenity escaping me.
On the positive side of things, had a nice walk with the puppy in the sunshine. And I’m still sober. Will read around here some, reading all the stories and successes and seeing all the care and community always lifts me 
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I am very close to 1 week being free of nicotine products! Today is hard because it is Friday and I just want to smoke a little to take the edge off, but I know i’d just let myself down. I feel like i’m in a competition with myself and if I smoke then I lose and the other half will win. I’m competitive, so this thinking works. Part of me continues to bring thoughts of, “well, maybe you can some day socially smoke.” But, to me that’s just an easy route back into it. I do miss it. I miss my peach flavor vapes… they honestly helped with my sugar cravings weirdly?? But, my health is #1! My breathing and blood pressure is already so much better… it’s actually insane to think about!! 
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Nice work! Now you can join the grumpy a-holes 
I still romanticise smoking but I know one puff is all it will take to get back to sore throats, nasty coughs, running out of breath, money wasted and planning my day around getting my fix. NOPE!
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I am on this thread, too! im not an a hole or experienced any bad moods! Actually quite the opposite:)
Yeah, 1 puff will probably send me back. So, I wont risk it 
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@CATMANCAM @icebear
Congratulations on 200 days and I am right there with u! Gonna celebrate my double century by going out and being a speaking examiner. Which is a kind of celebration, getting out and doing stuff because I have the energy and time.
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I find this a very helpful mindset to develop. Thank you for sharing!
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