Thank you!!
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Thankfully Iāve had minimal cravings. And also thankfully not everyone in the group drinks.
If things get iffy ill excuse myself. Not to mention the drive home is long.
Iāll check in for sure if Iām struggling.
Thank you!!
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I can relate, itās a really difficult situation. I think until you feel so much rage, you shouldnāt think of the outcome or the solution, itās too chaotic now. You have to tame those feelings. I guess every physical activity can help, when you give out all of your energy and rage until youāre too tired to act on it.
As a second step seeing a therapist could be a great help. Both in anger management and later on facing your life issues. Connect to as many people as you can, talk to friends, or share here, check in as many times you need - weāre here to listen.
And then, after some time when youāre calmed down, you can decide if you can find your peace in this situation or not. I understand, that āyou are a product of divorceā, but marriages for show, where there is anger and regrets below the surface, suck too. If you exclude certain solutions in advance, you narrow the options and you find yourself facing a dead end.
Sobering up is like a trauma - you face a lot of shit at once, all the issues you used to drink away. Now youāre in panic mode. You have to give it some time to subside and make clear decisions. There are solutions for every situation. Even if it seems unsolvable. Buy a punching bag, talk to others and trust sobriety. It will be better, there is always a way out. Giving up is surely not a model you would like to show your kids.
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Iām sorry to read that you struggled so much yesterday. How are you today?
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Checking in, day 113. I have a cold and feeling pretty tired, but luckily not depressed. There will probably be another 3-week lockdown, even stricter than the current one, both schools and kindergartens will be closed. Together with the recent school holiday it will be a month. Iām a bit concerned about my work, because itās pretty hard to do all my tasks while the kids are at home. Iām working on a movie amongst others and itās almost impossible to focus on while theyāre around, Iām afraid Iāll make mistakes I wonāt even notice. Maybe Iāll work during the evenings, but itās unsustainable on the long-term. Weāll see.
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Youāre right, I have no idea what that life would have become. Iām quite certain my thinking is not sound, but these are my current feelings nonetheless. I guess I just fantasize that it would have been much happier and thatās probably not helpful at all.
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First appointment is scheduled for Thursday. Really hoping it helps me.
Thank you for saying this. I have never heard it explained this way. I am 100% in panic mode. In a strange way, the instability of my mind right now feels like the instability of my mind in a hangover, or even while drinking.
I really hope so. Thank you so much for your encouragement.
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I donāt feel this way, Jenna. I really respect you and your insights. Thank you for helping me along.
I did think about this early on, but never followed through. I am beginning to wonder if working the 12 steps somehow would bring some stability to my life. So far Iāve only been relying on this group and podcasts.
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Iām glad that you liked it.
You can be sure that when I was standing there by King Tutās tomb, I had a hell of a hard time believing that I was actually in the Valley of the Kings !
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@anon27700620 thank you for sharing your video, so amazing to see it like this 
@Lotusflower congrats on double digits 
@MagicILY congrats on 90 days
@AdvntrLane congrats on 50 days
200 days no alcohol 
168 days no cocaine.
Iāve had a migraine all day today. Attended DBT on Zoom. Ate healthy meals. Did one walk. Feeling okay. I also got invited for a Covid Vaccine next Weds which Iām very happy about 
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Iām glad that you liked it, thanks for the positive comments.
Congratulations on 200 daysā¦ Iām not far behind you !
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Congratulations on your
Tyler. Thatās awesome.
Sorry about the migraine. That sucks. Iāve had the worst headache since yesterday along with my bad back. It really sucks. My sons had a migraine for a day or so now too. I think I can handle the bad back pain better than the headache. I hope your migraine goes away soon. But hey. 200 days AF. Great job my friend.
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76 days drink free
35 days nicotine free
Thanks everyone for your posts. Reading all your stories keeps me afloat!
35 days nicotine free
Thanks everyone for your posts. Reading all your stories keeps me afloat!
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Way to go Emily !!
Great job racking up all those days.
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Itās really an on and off process. I am realizing that I am more deeply addicted than I thought. Itās like I have so many feelings and thoughts that bring me back to the urge of drinking - itās annoying, frustrating and depressive. And itās weird that it feels like itās getting harder. I hope itāll pass a littleā¦ I mean, in the past 5-6 years it has become a possible diagnosis that I was cyclothymic, but since I first sobered up in 2018 for 198 days I realized that, even if I am cyclothymic, most of the symptoms are related to drinking. Like, I am depressive about not drinking. When I was high or excited I use to drink and do stupid shit. So now, even if I get my mood high or low, not drinking makes me either frustrated or more depressed! I donāt know if Iām clear, but anyways, I realized this last Monday that I am kind of in a grief.
I am in grief of alcohol. And I canāt seems to be able to let go of that possibility. And itās not like when youāre day 1 and are afraid of being able to drink ever again. Itās more like, right now I feel like shit, even after 165 days, and I know I am living the life I want to be living, but I still canāt get drunk right now and itās frustrating . And I know I knowā¦ itās not even true, I donāt really to get drunk because I have values and stuff I want to become, protect, and stuff that matters. That doesnāt mean my alcoholic self doesnāt want anymore booze.
I think itās the first time I talk about my self as an alcoholic one. At least partly alcoholic. And I am beginning to see why there is no such thing as a ātotal remissionā in alcohol use disorder. Thereās only āin early remissionā or āin sustained remissionā in the DSM. And I am just starting to realize that this feeling, this alcoholism will always be there. Maybe not the physical envy of drinking, not even the ideas, but the fight against it will have to remain.
Right now if it wasnāt because of outside responsibilities I would probably leave it. My girlfriend is having a important thing going on for the next week so I canāt do that to her - thanks to her, because itās Friday and I wouldnāt give a damn if I was alone. Iām tired of rationalize and going back to what count for me and allā¦ even if itās what I want, it is hard. Harder than a month ago or 2 even.
But I donāt want to drink, because my life would be a mess. So I donāt. Right now Iāve been thinking about trying CBD oil. I have some at home, only tried it once when I was drunk. I have never been addicted to those kind of thing as it doesnāt have any āeuphoricā feeling associated with - unlike booze. I am in discussion with my girlfriend and my therapist about this. I am thinking about trying to make a room for it as an occasional tool. Iāve been wanting to wait further into sobriety before adding this. I wouldnāt want this to be a slippery slope. But just thinking that I could have a night off chilling on this on the weekend calm immediately my urge to drink. So i donāt know. No one has the answers. For some it would be a total no-go. For me, I am not afraid of cannabis because I smoked a lot in my teenagers but never craved for it. Even avoided it in the last couple of years. So CBD for me doesnāt seem to detrimental. And my idea of sobriety , really I donāt care about being under the influence. For me itās really alcohol thatās been killing me. Anyways, itās in the air. Just talking about it calm me a little. Funny thing I think about this since 1-2 months and never used it. I guess I like the idea that if one day I am close to relapse on alcohol I would go for this instead. Like Iāve been doing with fast food or binge netflixingā¦
@Tomek I hope youāre fine. The lockdown here in Canada is still intense. Curfew, pretty much everything closed stillā¦ I wish you will find some peace at your place and some ways to get your work up to your standards.
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Ä° didnāt use porn today!
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Goodnight everyone
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Thank you Tyler. Most appreciated. Feeling strong! Hope your feeling better and have a relaxing evening! Great about covid Vaccine.
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Checking in. Past my bedtime but canāt sleep, just had a fair run of shitty days recently and canāt shake it. Therapy was good this morning in as much as it felt like some progress happening, but it was draining. Tried getting through to the doctors to get back on some antidepressants or whatever but they are fully booked. Although I know itās not really worth calling if you donāt do it first thing, especially with Covid, so I set myself up for that. Argument with my partner this evening. Serenity escaping me.
On the positive side of things, had a nice walk with the puppy in the sunshine. And Iām still sober. Will read around here some, reading all the stories and successes and seeing all the care and community always lifts me 
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I am very close to 1 week being free of nicotine products! Today is hard because it is Friday and I just want to smoke a little to take the edge off, but I know iād just let myself down. I feel like iām in a competition with myself and if I smoke then I lose and the other half will win. Iām competitive, so this thinking works. Part of me continues to bring thoughts of, āwell, maybe you can some day socially smoke.ā But, to me thatās just an easy route back into it. I do miss it. I miss my peach flavor vapesā¦ they honestly helped with my sugar cravings weirdly?? But, my health is #1! My breathing and blood pressure is already so much betterā¦ itās actually insane to think about!! 
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