324.42
Interesting evening to poop up my whole week last night. I cried and cried hard which I guess is progress. I don’t necessarily enjoy it though 
Back when I was married to my last husband, my golden girl sister, her husband, and my parents all booked a cruise together. Of course my sister loves to rub her status with my dad in my face whenever possible, no idea why. Very long and painful situation there that just never seems to let up. Anyway, of course she brings up the cruise in front of Matt and me, so I made a wise crack about it. Then later, after it had already been booked for a long time, they are like, well do you guys want to come too? Sure.
Fast forward, I get divorced. We switch Matt’s ticket to my older daughter. Covid happens. Our 2 year wait for the cruise now turns into a 3 year wait. Problem is, my comprehensive exam falls immediately upon returning to the states. So I’ll have to hop on another plane to go take the review and sit for the exam. I’m going to be studying the whole cruise. And honestly, since I’ve been going to therapy, I’m not supposed to be putting myself in situations with my sister and Dad at all. Christmas. That’s it.
I asked my mother if she would get mad if I tried to switch my ticket to my daughter’s boyfriend due to my exam. She promised me she wouldn’t get mad, but didn’t think I would be able to. Well guess what, I was able to. Enter the shit storm.
My father, who never texts me, even when I text him, decides to send me a text about how disappointed he is in me and that I should have showed him respect and advise him of my intentions. Apparently my mom never said anything to him. I wasn’t throwing her under the bus so just ignored him for a while. I have always been a disappointment, and as long as I can remember. His text impacted me deeply and really set me back. My father’s disapproval is incredibly triggering for me. So, I’m not in a great place.
I collected myself and simply wrote: “ I’m sorry you are disappointed. That certainly was not my intention. Everything is now back to how the trip was originally intended.”
He wrote back this morning “ Thank you I appreciate your reconsideration.”
Fuck you, reconsideration my ass. I was fucking bullied into it. There are so many reasons I don’t want to go. Not just having to be reminded for 11 days what an outsider I am in my own family, but I’m going to be preoccupied with studying. I get very sick on cruises (fine on small boats though 
) so I’ll be throwing up the entire time no matter what motion sickness concoction I take, I’ve tried them all, also, I absolutely spaz and spaz hard with herding. You will never see me at a concert, a sports game, or anything that involves herding. I was nearly trampled in NYC trying to catch the last train back to the island when I was younger on NYE, maybe that’s it. Do not know.
Anyway, what a fucking waste if $13,000.
I do look forward to spending the time with my daughter, but I’m so sick of being strong armed by my family. It has never once been about what I want.
I remember when I was 7 years old. It was my cousin’s wedding and my sister and I were flower girls. I had a horrific migraine (been getting them my whole life) My dad told me to STFU, suck it up, put a goddamn smile on my face, and not ruin the day. Can you imagine being 7 years old under that kind of pressure with such intense pain going on? I manned up though, I had a fucking smile on my face the whole day. Now, to this day, I man up and power through. Whatever.
Here’s some sunshine to un-shit my negative post 
I woke up to a beautiful sunrise yesterday.
