Day 294.
It was a Monday, and while it wasn’t a particularly hard day, it was such a tiring day! I wasn’t as productive as I would’ve liked to have been, but I’m older and wiser now and instead of staying up late trying to be productive (like I used to post-vino), I’m going to pretend I’m single digits young and tuck in while it’s still light out with my yummy tea. Maybe a story book too. 
But hey - doesn’t that sound a lot better than rewarding myself with a hangover tomorrow morning?
G’night, sweet friends. Let’s go fly sober kites again tomorrow! 
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Dealing with the sudden death of my uncle has been stressful. Like I know he’s gone, but my mind won’t really accept the fact that he’s gone. On Saturday, going through his house looking for not only documents but also valuables before we have others come in to help sort and take stuff out, I was confronted by what I feel has been my greatest test of my recovery. Behind his Books of Mormon, I found my DOC, pain pills. Not just a few, but multiple bottles of 10/325 norcos. Bottles with 120 pills per bottle. Then in another area, almost a dozen of 60 pills per bottle, varying from 5/325 to 10/325. All said, over 1,000 pills. I knew that not a living soul knew about them and I could take one and no one would know…except me. I remembered how good I felt while taking them, but also remembered hown I felt at my lowest, right before I was going to kill myself. I played everything in my head over and over again. The highs, the lows, the path I would be going down and how fast I would be out of pills then destitute again. I didn’t want that again, so I put them in a container and drove to the nearest pharmacy and put them in the dropbox as fast as I could. Whew, crisis diverted right? Nope…
I went back later that evening to continue my work, but knowing how close I came earlier in the day, I brought my wife with me. I’m glad I did because I found more pills, lots more, dating from the height of my addiction over 3 years ago. When I found them I saw the look of terror in my wife’s eyes when she realized what they were. I told her about the earlier find and what I did.
I’m coming up on 3 years clean in 10 days, and the addict part of me is sorry I went to the pharmacy and destroyed them all. The struggle is real, even with clean time under my belt. I know that this is a long post, but I had to get this out to others who may be struggling. Relapse doesn’t have to be a part of our story. We’re not bad if we do, but in the end we have two choices, use or don’t use. Drink or don’t drink. At the end of the day, me remaining clean was more important than resetting.
NEVER CRAVE ALONE
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Congratulations on 650 Days of being Joyously Sober Joy.
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Thanks for the share Chad. I’m very sorry to read about your uncles sudden passing. That is quite a test of your recovery you went through. Great win for you on your recovery. Glad you knew to bring the wife for the second trip. Congratulations keeping your almost 3 years clean streak in tact.
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Thanks for sharing, these trials come up, but u smashed it!
Day 252
Woke up with a headache, and a queasy tummy, and they have hung around all day. Why on earth did I put up with hangovers? Feeling crappy just sucks. Glad there are leftovers and pizza in the fridge for dinner.
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Day 30 
- it’s sunny outside but dark clouds gather inside. Depression raises it’s ugly head. I need to get away from my current environment. It is toxic.
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Make your self a Great day everyone. Keep up the good job 
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Checking in on day 16. Feeling better today. Hope everyone is having a great day 
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Day 11.
I turned 41 today… Its 10 degrees and pouring rain all day long… I just stayed home and watched rick & morty Most of the day…its 6pm, I’m going to bed now early before I start ordering taco bell delivery and over eat my feelings… I realized today now that day is ending, being clean ive realized I notice things I didn’t notice before… I realized and noticed that I’m truley alone… I didnt get a single phone call today or text for my birthday… Not that I have any clean friends , but the few humans I like as humans and were friends that I seen almost daily for many years… Not a single call or txt from anyone on my birthday… I know its not really important coz I know my past is no longer my new life and that now does not include the people that were in my life closely…it was just big moment of ‘oh gosh, I really am completely alone. Fuck’… I never took much notice of this over the last year…I never felt alone… Ever really…but today something felt different… . Not a good different… I don’t like feeling this being aware authentically well aware… Ideally in oblivion feels more comfortable than feeling the authenticity of being knowingly alone… I think I will buy a dog. This day can’t be over quick enough.
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Happy Birthday April. I think it’s actually a good sign you feel your feelings truer and deeper today. Even if it’s negative ones. Tells me you’re truly ready for recovery. Recovery is hard work. We have to (re)learn to feel the feels. Unfiltered. It’s raw and hard at times. But it’s the truth and it’s life. The life we want to live instead of hiding into oblivion.
We need to feel our feels to make true connection to others too. Otherwise all we are left with is a bunch of egoists who only think about themselves. And we ourselves are only looking for what and who we are. Congratulations on being sober and clean and being on your journey towards a happier April. You might not see it now but this is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Hugs and love.
PS. Maybe get a dog from the shelter and rescue each other?
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@Wunderbar Sorry for your loss Chad. And thanks for sharing. You’re very strong in your recovery. Incredible happenings. Very hard stuff. You made it through. You won. One day at a time. Congrats and thanks.
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Big happy birthday to you! You are not alone on here. Being sober on ur birthday is a big deal, I am proud of u! Can u take a nice bath or something this evening? Get some nice smellies?
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- Coffee. First time this year I can sit at my desk with the door to the balcony open and enjoy the warmth and sunshine. Spring is coming. One day at a time. I’m sober and clean. I have two second shifts to go till my vacay. My life’s not so bad ATM. It still can be a lot better but I’m working on that. Being clean and sober makes it possible. Have as good a Tuesday as you all can friends. Love from my living room.
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Happy birthday to you 
I hope you spoil yourself with some huge cake today. Blow some candles and make a wish. You are not alone. We are all here with you on your day. Celebrating in spirit with you 
happy to have met you on here. 
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Happy birthday, April. Hope you can find some good rest and a fresh start in your new year.
Most of the time I am alone as well, mostly getting good advice from people with kids and family which makes me feeling even more shit and worthless. As @Mno said and many more all feelings are valid and have their right to be there.
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Day 141,
Went to my first cgaa meeting yesterday which was a very nice experience where i could speak with people about my gaming addiction which i still often seem to underestimate. Good to see that it operates rougly the same as the NA meeting i have been attending for a while.
I must say that the sober days are going by alot slower as they did in the beginning. And im really still struggling with finding the right path for myself. I know that i should take it 1 day at a time but it just itches that im still not working at the moment and that im currently not really providing for my family. And i know everyone around me keeps saying i really need to focus on myself getting better, which im doing but still. I sometimes just want it to go faster, and wish i gotten myself back on track already. But i know that this thought is not helping me afterall. And i can only become the best version of myself by taking baby steps.
Im gratefull that i have found NA,CGAA and the forum. You guys have no idea how much your helping me in my sobriety.
Thanks!
Bart
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Progress is slow and at times frustratingly so Bart. It’s only in my second year that I really have started to work on my life issues other than addiction. I’m not sure how long you’ve been addicted, but for me it has been 40 years give or take. It’s not so strange it will take me some to overcome it all, including all the consequences of spending my days high and drunk. Someone told me to take at least 1 year for every 10 I’ve been an addict to recover. Now that will be different with everybody depending on many factors. But I do think the idea is right. You’re doing great even if you don’t see it yourself at times. Keep going friend.
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