Hey all, checking in on day 414. I hope everyone has a good one!
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Day 416 clean and sober today. Have a great day everyone, love you guys!!! 
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Iāve lost my way a little. I want to be sober todayšŖ
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Iām here, Iām alive and Iām sober.
Day 337
Just when I thought things finally was going out way, reality wanted to prove me different. Or maybe trying to say me something about the people that think they belongs in our friend group.
Donāt worry friends thereās no gypsy galore story this time. But maybe another one that could count as a real life Emmerdale like @Olivia suggested another day. 
Anyway my husband has been helping another lady the past few days,a Lady who knew the first lady with almost the same problem. Extreme Horder. However he knew this lady since he was a kid. And to make it easier letās call her Miss Anne. Miss Anne is retired nowdays But have been working with kids and young ones in trouble almost her entire life,with a few exceptions as a prison guard. Now when sheās retired she likes to collect thingās she doesnāt need. Thatās why she asked for help to clean up the mess from my husband. She saw the amazing job he did at the other old ladies house. Miss Anne lives at the big property a few miles from us,like a 30 min one way trip. Because of her location and her big property she does house people in trouble,like addicts,and other people that from time to time doesnāt have a place to stay.
When they where cleaning out a garage at her property they found some amo, neither Miss Anne or my husband knows much about stuff like that. So my husband decided to ask a friend if he knew anything. And then of course they called the police so they could come and take care of it. Our local police station only have opening hours one day a week,so it was going to be a while before they could hand it in. But the clerk Said it wasnāt a problem, it wasnāt illegal or anything. Meanwhile my husbandās jackass friend have figured out that the said amo is good shit,and did a Facebook post where he tried to sell it. This guy is neither smooth or in the legal buy and sell business to keep it light.
And as mentioned above heās a jackass,so the police came knocking on his door, asking about the amo. He pointed them to my husband saying it was his. So they came knocking on our door to,when they realized that my husband wasnāt at home, that I didnāt know anything and that the amo was found at Miss Anne, they went there instead.
They where very very friendly when they where here,I offered them to come in and look multiple times,but they said they didnāt need to. I sounded very nervous at first when two officers in full gear came knocking. And I told them I thought something had happened,a serious injury or a ln accident. We talked for a while and I told them about our year and that it was the reason for me thinking the worst. The officers told me that if something serious ever happens they will come and knock in suits with the hat in their hands. I didnāt even know they had special outfits for occasions like that. But itās good to know.
My boys was overly excited about the officers and the police car. And after our little talk they showed the boyās everything in their uniforms and gear, down to every little button. They also gave the boys a full look in their patrol car,sirens and all. So for my boys it was a wonderful day. Unfortunately my husband is now risking 6 months in jail for possession of illegal weapon s with attempt to sell it.
It was shown that it was sharp amo belonging to the Swedish military. And itās definitely not legal to have and or sell. They did say it probably wonāt lead anywhere because he could prove that he didnāt try to sell it,or have asked the friend to make the ad.
The friend on the other hand got his phone taken until the investigation is done,and heās probably facing a few other charges as well.
Thatās not all though, last year we rented out our basement as a storage unit to a guy whoās having serious problems with addiction. Until he got a place of his own. When he finally did he collected his stuff from here after refusing to pay half of his rent bills.
Yesterday we found an item he forgot here,we tried to contact him with no response. So we made a sells ad with the item. The guy git furious starting to threaten my husband,who calmly said that we had tried to contact him multiple times with no answer,we still have paperwork that shows that he ows rent,and if heās willing to pay that heāll get his item without any problems. Until then itās going to be for sale to cover the money he should have paid. He didnāt really like that. So he said heāll gather some friends and do a burglary here instead. My husband is currently away working so I didnāt felt really comfortable with that. He called a few other friends to this guy, including another guy who lives at Miss Anne, and is a close friend to the basement guy. They all assured us that he wonāt come.
I still donāt feel comfortable,my husband isnāt going to be home until Thursday. But thinking rationally basement guy have never been disrespectful or angry or anything like that towards me or the kids as long as weāve known him. No matter what condition heās been upon arrival.
To be continuedā¦
Except that everything is mostly like normal,still doing staircase renovation, itās still raining. Iāve done some small changes in the boyās room to give them more space. Unfortunately that included removing an old Buddha sticker from the closet door,that I had when it used to be my room. And with that the paint came off,so now I need to fix that to.
Iām still sorting my stuff a la Marie Condo. And the motto āYour house should be a living space,not a storage spaceā
Admiring the Italian or British inspired fashion with clean basics in neural colors.
Today I tried a nice and comfortable gray polo shirt,with some black paper bag pants,and loafers. It felt nice,I took a look in the mirror and realized something was definitely missing. Added a black blazer,it didnāt work. Added a beige long cardigan with ruffles,it definitely didnāt do it. Tired to sneak in a little pop of color with a toned red leather jacket,with instant regret. After that I gave up,and opted for my dark turquoise sweater blazer and realized that was it. No matter how much I admire the style, itās not for me. So Iāll keep on Pinteresting and dreaming it instead.
I hope youāll have a wonderful week everyone. 
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Back to the beginningā¦ Day Zero. I was at eight months, so what happened? Iāve been having more cravings lately. A lot of emotional stuff has been coming up, and there is that part of me that somehow thinks that alcohol will help deal with it, even though I know it doesnāt. Iāve been around alcohol more (summertime, people hanging out) and taking sips over the last couple months (so really maybe my reset should have happened earlier but it felt āokā and not like I was slipping). Then last night my boyfriend was drinking martinis. I was always the go-to martini maker and Iāve made them for him before after quitting drinking and not felt a desire to have any, so I took on the task again last night. But every time I made him a drink I kept sipping too. He was outside doing stuff or preoccupied with dinner and didnāt notice what I was doing. And then sips turned into bigger gulps, and Iām rationalizing it in my head ā āIāve been having a tough time, I deserve to relax like everyone elseāā¦āIāve got eight months under my belt, whatās the big dealāā¦ āIām not trying to get drunk, my approach is totally different right now.ā BULLSHIT. What a sneaky thing addiction isā¦.
I am not sure how much I consumed over the course of preparing the martinis throughout the night, but it was probably around a couple of shots total spread out over four hours. I mildly felt the effects, but I woke up in the middle of the night feeling horrible. I got sick. I knew when I was throwing up the reality of what happened. I had hid and lied and willingly poisoned myself. Months of not drinking gave me false confidence that I could have a little and be ok. But I canāt.
The thing that annoys me about myself is that I had come to like myself as a non-drinker. It felt good. I could list a million reasons why abstaining from alcohol is the right choice for me. But I slipped, and that slipping really took a couple months to fully manifest. And so Iām back to the beginning.
I wonāt let that time be lost. I learned a lot about myself and my relationship to alcohol. And resetting definitely showed me alcoholās true colors ā poison. Even though getting sick feels terrible I was glad I was getting it out of my body. It poisons my mind too ā the very idea of drinking or belief it will somehow help is poison. Itās time to reorient my mind again and recommit to my sobriety. It was probably a mistake to stop coming to the forum when things starting to feel steady in my non-drinkingā¦so Iām back to daily check ins. Thanks for being here to listen to me and hold me in this community.
One thing hasnāt slipped, however, and thatās my abstinence from cannabis. Iām at 246 days of not smoking or eating weed, so that is something to celebrate. You know, now that I think about it ā hitting the reset and going back to Day Zero for alcohol is something to celebrate as well. I could have just ignored it and stayed off the app and not looked at it or pretended like it didnāt happen. I could have kept rationalizing what happened and made excuses. But I didnāt. Iām not proud that I drank, but I am proud of myself for admitting what I did and recommitting to taking alcohol out of my life.
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Thank you Menno!
Hey lady! Thanks so much for sharing this. Itās exactly what I and probably others need to hear. I know youāre disappointed, but let me be proud and inspired by you today.
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I have bookmarked this post. I am at 7 months tomorrow and I have been getting twitchy today. Thanks for posting.
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I just wanted to repeat that for the people at the back of the room who werenāt paying attentionā¦
My relapse happened just like yours slowly and I thought I had it under control. You are right addiction is super cunning and will shapeshift to fit into any spot in your brain that works most seamlessly.
I am proud of you too. Welcome back, you have been missed.
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Beautiful check in.
Looks like you have been putting the work in and one foot in front of the other 24 hours at a time and its been working.
So happy you are getting some time with your kiddos. It just makes my heart swell when I see moms getting help, starting to heal and getting some bricks to build a life again.
Great job.
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Checking in from sunny Santa Monica. First time all alone since I started this beautiful journey.
Like @Charlie_C says. Iām going to do it sober.
Whoās with me?
One Day.
Or Day One.
I get to decide
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Hey Kelly
First 10 were the worst for meā¦ after 2 weeks it gets better. How are you feeling now?
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Checking in at the end of day 211.
Had a few wayward thoughts today. Think I may have allowed myself to get a bit dehydrated. Been a bit off all around.
Going to bed sober, so itās been a good day.
Have a great sober day, wherever you are.
Goodnight. 
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Awesome job being accountable @MagicILY!!! Itās always good to tell on ourselves and reach out, good job!!!
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Amazing job @http.lonewolf!!! The gifts of recovery are so awesome! Sounds like youāre really doing the deal, the results speak volumes. GOOD JOB!!!
Oj men herregud, det dƤr lƄter ju riktig galen! 
Ya you are
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@John1990 congrats on 80 days 
@Bigbear welcome back 
sorry about the circumstances 
@Soundlab welcome back congrats on 17 days
@littlemisschatterbox awesome number 
congrats
@Mephistopheles congrats on 1300 days
@Dazercat congrats on sober travels 
good luck with your procedure 
lots of Benson cuddles when you get home
@Ooooops welcome back never stop trying
@MrsOdh I hope the record of the phone call about the amo proves your husband was intending to hand it in and that there will be no issues, also with basement guy too
@MagicILY sorry to hear this, but welcome back and congrats on your honesty and trying again
357 days no alcohol.
325 days no cocaine.
2 weeks no binge-eating.
6 days no nicotine.
Today has been a bad day. The fatigue has been too much of a reminder of one of the whys I started using cocaine in the first place, to combat the fatigue of depression. I canāt believe that the addict voice is still just as strong as it ever was when given a chance to speak, I even messaged two of the blocked numbers in my phone trying to obtain! Thankfully, one didnāt reply, and the other did reply but Iād already snapped myself back out of it by the time they did, I donāt even know if they were dealers that Iād text because I block every mobile number that calls me but doesnāt leave a voicemail, to protect my sobriety. I canāt believe how powerful the compulsions were, I was texting a friend and at first I was convinced that I did want it, but soon started to recognise the addict lies that I was saying like I could have it as a one-off now 
. Thatās the closest in 325 days that Iāve been to using. I knew it woukd be a risk from quitting nicotine, because my last 2 relapses on cocaine were when I stopped using nicotine, though I hadnāt been sober anywhere near this long either of those times so was hoping Iād be okay this time. Instead, I walked to the supermarket and did my grocery shopping. I went for a 30min walk after checking in yesterday but was reminded why I stopped going for walks, too much pain. I really want to start back at the gym and swimming, but I need energy for that which I currently still donāt have. I am hoping to continue with the no nicotine but if my addict voice makes more appearances I may have to reconsider.
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1091 days alcohol free. Havnt said much on here cuz i have to work on myself before I can help others. Happy Monday.
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Hope you are feeling better soon although I feel a bit sceptical when I read this. Whenever I swallow my problems, emotions too often, getting stuck in the thought I have to deal with it alone, it was never a wise decision.
I value here that often I can get off my mind what is stuck I my head and maybe someone is reading it, thinking, oh, she has the same thought, insecurities, I am not alone. And that might also help.
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