Congrats!!!
10 months is a lot of back to back days.
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I took this picture last night. The big bright spot is the moon, then as you go up and to the right you can see a little dim dot and then a brighter dot. The dimmer dot is Saturn and the brighter dot is Jupiter. My camera is not made for these kinds of photos, and yet I canāt help myself from still trying to capture what I see.
I love to walk at night. I love the sky. In the past, I would get high and go walk while listening to music and thinking. It didnāt matter if it was pot or opioids; and, in fact, I think this is partially why I liked drugs more than drinking. My mind is so active that itās a relief to have the thoughts slowed down.
I havenāt been doing well lately and last night as I walked, I was hit with the most intense desire to fall back onto that old comfortable pattern. Of course, this enjoyable and useful thing would eventually lead to less productive and life destroying consequences, and I didnāt act on the urge.
But I still walked and listened to music as I thought about topics that fascinate me, yet bore others thoroughly, and tried to outpace the apathy that has wrapped itself around me like a blanket. Of course it didnāt work. I donāt feel sad or depressed; nor do I feel the intense stress and anxiety that I was filled with earlier this year. Rather I just feel like maybe there is no point to anything.
Even so, Iām a cerebral creature, and thus just examine it all with a detached curiosity, almost like watching Jupiter separate himself from Saturn. Itās easy to feel like nothing I do really matters; and yet, I know with a surety that it does. It is like David Mitchell wrote in Cloud Atlas: āOur lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.ā
And this is some of what I think about as I walk in the night and fight the urge to give up the struggle. On an individual level, maybe it seems like such a small thing that we give up a drug or a habit that negatively impacts us personally; but this effort on such a large scale creates the world we live in.
Everything is energy. Our energyāour choicesāaffect others. The planets have their own energy, and they also affect us in ways we donāt truly understand and cannot scientifically prove. Everything is connected. Everything. We will never truly know what affect our choices make in the whole, but they always have an affect.
So Iāll continue to fight the temptation to just let myself be subsumed by my current state of apathy; but, as I look down into the abyss, I would be lying if I said I havenāt thought about stepping off the edge.
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Day 36/426 pills / booze
In my work I get to meet people in extreme situations. Today I met a man withdrawing from alcohol in front of my eyes while denying there was a problem. Iām sure he will die soon. Later, I met a man whose wife collapsed and died two days ago. They have two children aged 8 and 6.
I saw today that alcoholism is a progressive and deadly disease that can steal everything from you. And I learned that every sober moment is precious, as it can all be gone in an instant.
Wishing everyone peace today
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Love that! 
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The Disney ships are always everyoneās favorite! They have fireworks, water sprays and the characters waving at as they head out to sea. Ft. Lauderdale is a stretch, but the cruise will be fun! 
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Nice pic @Chiron , I love taking the exact same shots. Glad youāve written out your feelings. Itās a good post both for you and for others. Stay strong.
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Congratulations on your achievement!
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Thank you, Paul.
Itās great to see you doing so well.
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Day 144
7.55am
I got up at 5am this morning to go across to the lake to start a skipping rope exercise regime.
The universe had other plans for me it seems.
I got 50 jumps in till something pulled in my middle right hand side of my back.
Iām certain it is a cyst because i have a few fat gland cysts all over in different places that have played up over the years. But this one was out for death 
the pain ripped right through me.
So no skipping for me
I emails my doctor to ask about getting it imaged to see if I can get it removed coz it really hurt.
I was in such a great energetic mood this morning full of exercise momentum! Its crazy how a single injury can change the course of your day 
Iām craving a bacon and egg roll oddly, so imma see if I can jump on my bike and ride without pain and go get coffee and B&E roll for brekky.
Also , there is a myna bird nest right outside under my window. They have hatched and are chirping 24/7. I think this is how ābabyā ended up befriending me at the start of the year. It could hear my voice at my window every day and when it could fly it popped up into my window and then became our budding friend ship 
letās see if I can make it happen again with this new baby bird
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Check in. Nothing really to say other still sober
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@Its_me_Stella thank you so much 
@Hopeful777 thank you
@WCan congrats on your year 
@Thumper1213 welcome back 
@Irisees919 I love that song
@Beccy81 congrats on double digits
@Bassanova congrats on 10 months
@Iamenough prayers for your daughter 
@OldDogNewTricks congrats on 50 days
@Chiron I love this kind of stuff, but Iām sending love and strength
402 days no alcohol.
370 days no cocaine.
8 days no disordered eating.
Iāve spent a lot of time looking at memes so far this week, and I find myself smiling and laughing a lot, it feels really good to smile and laugh so itās been a good distraction, I finally got to the end of āMeme wars 1 2 3 goā so Iāve got plenty more to browse 
Last night I hit a new low with the nicotine addiction. I ran out at 2am and by 4:30am I was in my car, driving around trying to find somewhere that was open that sold vape liquid, the first garage I tried didnāt, but Iām proud of myself for not accepting defeat and buying cigarettes instead. Then I went to the real ārough area of townā and found a 24hr shop, managed to get some vape liquid, got home safe, noticed itās really high strength nicotine, 18mg, and Iāve only been using 3 or 6mg, and it tastes vile, but it served its purpose. Iāve vaped much less intensely because of the vile taste. This new low motivated me to try to reach out to the cessation service Iāve used before, but they no longer exist, but I did some research and applied and paid online to a pharmacy company for a course of Champix, which is how Iāve quit with success twice before, at the moment itās āout of stockā but Iām hoping they will be able to get some in 
it works like magic, takes away the cravings, and itās a 13 week course because thatās how long it takes for the nicotine receptors in the brain to shut down. Progress, hope. 
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Glad youāre still sober Brit. Thatās a beautiful thing.
Iāll be sober right along side of ya.
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Great Job Kelly.
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Day 414
Evening check in - Iāll try to keep it brief.
Talked to my younger cousins today letting them know whatās going on with my mom, and checking in on my aunt. Sheās doing much better, nearly fully recovered from her bit with covid.
Making plans for a week of bikepacking beginning of next month doing Wisconsin Waterfall Loop. Never planned more than a 3 day bike trip before. Lots of food and camping to plan! It will be a welcoming challenge to distract my brain from some of the more serious aspects of life right now.
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Way to go Bart!
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Day 17 is at an end. Had a few stressful days this week, and I didnāt drink when I normally would. Made time to work out everyday, and feeling pretty good and confident. Is this self-esteem?? Am I starting to like myself? 
. I even worked out at the park during my kidās soccer practice. Still emotional, but itās good. Park workout gear, because Iām so proud of myself. 
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Youāve been coming along so nicely MagicILY. You have thought so many things through. It sounds like you really want and appreciate your sobriety a lot and you know youāre worth it. It sounds like you have a well thought out plan. Maybe keep in mind an escape plan just in case you want or need to get away for a bit while you have your family get together. Nothing wrong with that. Just a thought. Youāve come so far. Protect your sobriety date at all cost. Itās so worth it. And so are you.
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