Checking on day 196.
Iām in a mood where I formerly would have drank hard. Nowadays I check in on the forum and will have a nice hot bath while I sort out my head ā¦ drinking wouldnāt help with any of this!
Iām all the HALTs todayā¦
Hungry - at least a little, because stupid me only bought super healthy food and no sugary snacks so I would eat well 
tricked myself!
Angry - because my brothers wife kicked him out 6 months after they were married with some shady explanation ā¦ she decided it was not a good idea after all ā¦ wtf ā¦ did not see that one coming at all, my brother is devastated and canāt make sense of it all 
Lonely - because even though my parents will listen to me and help me, they keep treating me like a little sheep that got lost and just forgot what it was taught by them. Does that make sense? I scream as loud as I can (figuratively) and they donāt hear me at all.
Tired - of wading trough my own shit every day ā¦ dealing with this depression thing is exhausting and some days I feel.for every step foward I take two steps back.
Sigh. Iām not going to drink today. Iāll do what my therapist told my: I acknowledge those feelings, I find words for them and I take them serious.
Thank you for coming to my TED-talk, have a good day 
Hi Tā¦Iām Des.
Congratulations on your time do far.Thanking for sharing. It helped.
Thank you so much for sharing your post and I appreciate writing out your HALTs and I think I want to start doing that regularly instead of just thinking them. You sound strong in sobriety and I can always use a great TED talkš
About therapy, it took ur whole life of experiences up until now to create the yourself that exists now, it will take a long time to untangle all that. I like the saying if u walk 5 miles into a forest, u have to walk 5 miles out. I am not saying it will take another lifetime, hopefully therapy provides a shortcut, but patience is important. Do u notice any positive changes at all?
Thank you, amiga, for sharing. I can relate so much and this is a great reminder to do my HALT inventory more often. Hang in there, youāre doing great. Oh, and depression sucks! Iām working on not spiraling right now deeper than I am and it is hard work. 
Thank you @CATMANCAM the procedure went fine and I didnāt have any anxiety in the car. I called up and checked in on Birdie because my roommate is watching her and she said she was doing fine. So everything is all good. Just had to have a little faith 
also sorry to hear about your relapse. You are taking the right steps to get back on track and I wish you all the best for when you go into the program your looking into.
- Today has been rough very rough. I donāt feel good and I just found out a very good friend of mine is being taken off the ventilator he has Covid. We recently were at a meeting together just him and I we talked for the whole hour because no-one else showed up. Iāll remember that forever. When I got the kids he offered to buy diapers to help out and I feel horrible because I hadnāt answered him right away and by the next day when I got back to him he was too sick. I guess that was the Creators way of keeping me safe. He had already had Covid and I wouldāve been exposed. Idk Iām just really sad. He was a great friend. Hug your loved ones tight.
Sending strength @CATMANCAM I know how devastating it is to binge and see the numbers go the opposite way to the way u want. Remember that the numbers come secondary or even last after many other things.
Check in ok day still clean
Sending some love. So difficult
Day 18. I spent 6 hours today sorting and seating our homeschool groupās Hamilton tickets. The way it works, we just order how ever many and they send us that manyā¦but with no guaranteed seating arrangement. It was messier than any other show I have done. Itās Hamilton though, so hey $55 and $85 tickets? Theyāll be unhappy with the splits. Itās out of my hands.
I picked up a cold somewhere, which really pisses me off. It must have been on the trip to KC. I tend to be so careful but I let my guard down somewhere. 
(Restaurant, gas station, college?) Hopefully, itās in and out of here with minimal discomfort.
Feeling squirrely. I think itās just because I missed my SMART meeting, which I was really looking forward to - but freaking tickets.
I have asked myself all those questions too whilst in the middle of everything. It wasnāt until I was outside of it and able to utilize skills I had learned; or I had time to decompress and reflect on what had happened during that year of therapy that I could grasp the benefits.
Your hard work is paying off, I can see it even over the computer screen.
Early morning check in. Day 32.
I need coffee 
End of day 139. Just trying to hold things together. Starting to feel a little overwhelmed. Hopefully tomorrow will be an easier day.
Checking in. Day 3 of round 2. Felt lonely when I got home from work. Took a mini nap and watching hockey for the night drinking tea. Feeling a little better. Shooting for 5 days slow and steady.
27.5 days. Brain cells hurt today. Too much contact with our practice management software company today. Why canāt they just provide complete information? Why does it take several emails, phone calls, and asking a zillion different questions?
Anyway, my head literally was having pain āsparksā at work. Came home and WHAM! the worst wine craving, I downed 2 sparkling waters, painted my nails and pushed through- spent an hour cleaning photos off my laptop while waiting for my nail polish to dry. Busy work anything to redirect.
Iām good for today, for this moment, for now.
Day 88 no alcohol. I taught a special yoga workshop tonight and Iām SO pleased with how it went. I love teaching and afterwards everyone was so glowy, including me haha. I felt invigorating and alive. My sister and I got dinner afterward to celebrate. I didnāt get home til 9 but brought my boyfriend home a personal wood fired pizza and wings as a surprise. He was asleep on the couch, basically said hello and goodnight ans barely acknowledged I brought him something and went to bed. Didnāt even ask how the workshop went or how I felt. There were several beer cans around. This is a pattern. Iāll have an event or something special that doesnāt revolve around him and he finds some way to dampen my energy around it. So I watched a feel-good show on my laptop since I had no one to talk to, was enjoying myself and then I hear him throwing up. Just a complete contrast from the night I had, that I created and shared with othersā¦to come home to a situation that felt completely disconnected.
I am so sorry. Glad you have the memory of your last time together. Prayers he will live once off the ventilator. Hugs for you. So much you have gone through.