This is exactly what you need! Human interaction, a new experience, good food and conversation. Relax and enjoy it.
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Thanks guys @Its_me_Stella . I definitely agree it will be nice
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Late check in. It was a good day. Bought a new biking/hiking raincoat (@Its_me_Stella @ @ShadowFax), although they didnāt have my size at the store so it will be delivered home in a day or 2. Went by my friend to bring some stuff and say hello, I think we were both glad to see each other. And had dinner with my sis and her youngest for her 60th birthday. And didnāt drink.
The weather also cleared a bit later. Cold and clear now. Good Iām home. Sober and clean. Some tea now and back to work tomorrow. Sober and clean. Hope you all are having a good Sunday too. Making it clean and sober is great help with that. Love from Amsterdam.
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Today I am 1.5 years sober. I will be in remission from my eating disorder for six months on December 11th.
Recently I have been going through many stressful and heart wrenching things. I almost posted in seeking help yesterday. Not because I was in danger of relapsing, but because my desire to live is gone. I was seriously considering going to sleep forever yesterday, it was the only thing left. I have so much gratitude for the good in my life, but Iām tired. Iām drained. Iām beaten down. Bad things do happen to good people and good things do happen to bad people. Thatās life. Fuck karma. If I hear one more person say āoh, karma will get themā bullshit. I donāt want bad for anyone, but Iām hurting and I donāt know what to do with this level of pain.
I keep it to myself because people say the wrong things and it makes it worse. Iām not one to cry. However, these past few days itās been all I have done to the extent my eyes and nose are just swollen. I didnāt even get out of bed yesterday. I canāt eat because it makes me nauseous. So I drink protein as much as I can to keep my weight up.
Iām not good at describing feelings. Most people drink so they wonāt feel. I would drink so that I could feel. My therapist is pleased that Iām having some emotion, but it feels weak and uncomfortable to me. I have absolutely zero motivation. Iām in the middle of an MS episode so my body is being an asshole and my daughter had to practically carry me home from a parade the other night. Itās fucking embarrassing when that happens. I couldnāt work my hands, one full leg and partial of my other leg. It really embarrasses me.
I donāt even know why Iām dumping all this here. For a fleeting moment I thought that having a partner to support me would have been nice. I felt very alone yesterday. I just wanted to die. Today itās more of a lack of will to live. I donāt reach out to anyone because Iām always the person they reach out to, and then it just turns into being about them and they say stupid fucking shit.
I donāt want to bother my best friend with it. Mostly because I donāt want to be the friend that puts that on her. Once in a while fine, but I just canāt. She has her own shit going on and I promise you, my stuff is trivial. She will tell me how it is though, and I love and respect her so much.
Iām not going to dump all the bullshit that is going on here, because Iāll probably break the forum with an even longer damn post.
At the end of the day, drinking or engaging in my eating disorder did not cross my mind. Iām so fucking tired yāall. 
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Congrats on 800 days Lisa 
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Day 16 complete, itās been a fairly okay day, Iāve been able to rest Andrew just really relax this weekend, so Iām grateful for that, hope you all had a wonderful day. Goodnight everyone.
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Your stuff is not trivial I tell you that Beth. Far from it. Congrats on your 1.5 years of sobriety. Despite all the shit going on and despite the way you feel. Fuck MS. For what itās worth Iām sorry. You survived so much already. Big hugs and much love to you from across the ocean.
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Joe, first of all, please forgive me if I say something that isnāt as comforting as I mean it to be. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are a good person and do not deserve this. I am so glad you opened up and let that out in this safe place. You clearly needed to express your pain and let it out. I wish I had some magic to ease your pain but Iām just a weak mortal too with no such power. It seems to me you are having some healthy normal emotional responses to a bad situation. Itās okay to cry and need some down time to process.
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Thank you @Callie99! Love that gif! 
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Congratulations on 1.5 years Beth!
Iām so sorry youāre having to go through all this shit by yourself. None of it is trivial! I love you girl and I would listen if you ever need an ear. I know what itās like to not want to live anymore. Sending you love and strength to get through these tough times. Iām really proud of your progress in every area of your life. Fuck MS!!!
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Big congrats on 700 days @Its_me_Stella!!
Love you!
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Bad things do happen to good people. Here we are through a screen and you are there. Still, let us surround you with care and love. Know that you are not alone. Know that you are cared for and loved. Know that you have huge, huge, huge strengths. Know that I want you to live, I want you to see that next day and one day, some day, have good days that make you happy. I am sorry the MS is rearing itās nasty, ugly head and hope it will get better quickly. Congrats on your sobriety and your days of clean ED. Am glad you posted. Hugs xoxo
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Iām so sorry you are in pain. My grandma has MS, and I echo mno. Fuck MS. You are strong and such an inspiration to me. Your posts have always given me strength and peace. Iām sending you love. 1.5 years sober and 6 months ED free is such an amazing feat. And with all that life throws at you. You are loved and I donāt want to imagine a world without you in it.
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That is such a lot. I know some of what is going on, to have things on top of that, and ms is unbearable. The fact you are just killing it with sobriety and healthy eating is a testament to your strength and will.
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Iām sorry if I got your name wrong. 
I went by the name on your avatar. I see everyone else thatās been on here longer is calling you Beth.
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Checking in on day 11. I havent been sober AF this long in almost a year. Thankful for the TS app so that I can maintain focus. Reading everyoneās posts is truly inspiring. Thank you all!!
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Having a very hard night. Canāt get ahold of my sponsor.
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Sending you strength and love Frank. Keep playing that tape through to the end. You know where that first drink will lead. Donāt do it my friend, itās not worth it.
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