Day 502
I hit over 500 days thatās pretty fucking cool, I been absent minus a zoom here and there and keeping up with TSārs that have my phone @Olivia multiple times a day lol.
But I went into PHP, my medication cocktail was not working well, and putting me more into a state of constant fatigue vs actually working well. Like itās supposed to. So my Psych recommended it so I can do therapy and be monitored while on new meds. I found it quite successful. I learned a lot about myself but I really canāt wait to go back to work, but I also learned Iām no good piloting a desk, I love my job itās benefits the workplace environment my coworkers all amazing people, shit they sent me a care package while I was out. But I struggle with sitting in one spot all day it was never for me. So Iām looking to shift gears back into the car game, I put an app in the local AAA cause they need tow truck drivers and Service guys pay hourly and pretty well. Plus the benefits are top notch. They called me earlier today and I missed it, didnāt leave a voicemail cause apparently having a new phone I need to setup my voicemail which was dumb cause I Never had to before, whatever if Iām that in demand theyāll call back offering a hiring bonus and I like cash like that.
In other news I am getting along with my kids mother much better, me setting boundaries last year, put her into a bitch mode for a period of time, but she pulled the stick out of her ass and we are getting along a lot better than we ever had. But it came at a price apparently my father had been reaching out to her and my kids, she was doing her best to be like well they are your family and you have that right so we can keep the peace. Well then it started with bashing me how Iām a terrible parent a terrible human being, I never went to rehab i have no mental health issues, itās all a ploy so I can be lazy I just am looking for a place to loaf around, that I was so stupid thinking I can make a career of music thatās laziness and unrealistic Going to college was dumb I should have just got a dead end job and stuck with it if I would just go to a Catholic Church I would be so much better, I was all but condemned for studying other religions as a teenager, I studied with many people Mormons, Protesants, Baptist, Jehovah Witnesses everyone, cause I was curious, so being and identifying as a non denominational Christian is just pure evil and What Iām looking for is a girlfriend to mooch off of while I lay around at home blah blah blah. Which I find funny cause most of my adult life I had a job minus 2 stints that lasted a few months where I collected unemployment, one was during the 2009 recession when no one had a job and I went back to school, raised my kids and worked a part time job to offset the difference
She cut him off and said she canāt talk, she tried intervening but my father is like that you cannot counter his opinion cause heāll throw a tantrum cause heās right everyone else is wrong, heās also an untreated paranoid schizophrenic with narcissistic traits and a terrible hoarder Include alcoholic in remission but a dry drunk, I tried to mend some of the dysfunctional relationship we had and it showed that he wants no parts of that, all he wants to do is tell everyone how they are a fuck up and only his way is right if you say otherwise your challenging him and your stubborn and ignorant I had no choice but to hang up, and block the number.
I thought of a technique in therapy of writing out my thoughts and feelings, the first draft was very swear laden, and pretty much said I hope he burns in hell, so I didnāt send that mind you none of my siblings have a relationship with my parents because of his behavior, when my grandmother died I became the centerpiece of keeping everyone tied together, and I endured the shit regarding my other siblings being distant, the rest of my family keeping at a distance, and it was taxing, I had a shitty ass childhood, and it leaked into my adult life, I figured as adults we could learn to make things better, I was very reserved about how terrible he treated my grandmother his own mother, and my mother I wanted to give a chance for improvements to be made I was wrong, my whole life I always wanted a normal or semi normal functioning family, yet it never came to fruition, what I find funny is I have roommates who became more of a family then my own blood,
I decided to be a bit more grown up and still wrote out a long ass letter explaining my values my core beliefs my disagreement with his opinions, and how I will not accept his blatant disrespectful demeanor, these are the boundaries if you cannot accept them, then I doubt will have a relationship in the future, My sister did the same thing, he dosent talk to her, and complains about it.
A lot of it is purely his illness, and I get that, the conspiracy theories he comes up with, they are in so many ways inconceivable, and they are all plots against him.
But it was 30 plus years of shit I dealt with finally unloaded off of my back, it felt releasing I couldnāt ask for a better release.
It took me a day or so, but I realized and faced the acceptance this may be the last time I hear from him, do I like that no, but itās an unfortunate reality, I had come to terms with.
Great job working thru all that negative self talk!
I will check it out now so Iām prepared for the morning! That sounds great! 
). Youngest son is working so Iām alone today. Going for a long walk to the city centre I think, buy myself a new crystal pendant to wear if I find a nice one.
