Checking in
Substance free for 690 days
Sugar free for 47 days
I am doing ok. I am having some intense cravings for sugar, have found myself opening and closing cupbards, up and down out of my seat feinding for something sweet. I settled for some raisins but only because I have NO shit in my house. If I did have candy around I am not sure I could resist it today. I can see a definite correlation with sugar cravings and my cycle, but being aware of the “why” it is happening makes maneuvering through them alot easier. When I was newly in recovery it was always around my cycle that I had the strongest urges to get loaded, when life seemed too big for me to handle and I wanted out of my head. It was always the time I relapsed on self injury too. Hormones… grrr.
Bad ass butterfly you are doing great and the racing thoughts and yoyo emotions are just you healing.
I know money is not good for you so if you need to hit the microphone and talk it out all day on here to get through do that. I’m not busy .
I’m proud of you
ODAAT
This. Right here. One example I can come up with for me is stealing. That broke my soul because I was going against my morals and values but there have been times where I have been sober and I have stolen things and I relapsed not too long after. For whatever reason those behaviors are tied into my drug use and I know this time being sober I CANNOT bring them into my recovery because I have to work a program of rigorous honesty.
“Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.”
D 510 sober. Tomorrow the tests to check my thyroid. Then sleep.
Today, anxiety. Then relief for talking to my boss about how I have been feeling. And then more anxiety bc still couldnt follow through. Anxiety. Then, an overwhelming feeling of sadness.
Appetite still not back. Heck, I was asked today if we should order pizza and I said no. I have never turned down pizza…
I think might actually be depressed and I didnt even notice. I was telling myself all the time that because everything in my life is good, that Im good too.
Told my date about this and he is so freaking supportive. Still weirded out by the fact that he wants to spend time with me, is nice to me, says he misses me. I mean i get why i like him - he is nice, caring, funny, interesting… But why does he like me i still dont think i deserve any good people in my life so this is good training for me, trying not to run away and hide.
Isn’t it amazing how dishonesty and activities that go against our moral compass is tied into relapse? I fine that too. It’s almost like a snowball effect. I start lieing and being dishonest or intentionally hurting people and before u know it I’m using. I hate to admit this but the post office drops off packages for people in my building behind the Concierge desk. And since being clean my brain makes up crazy shit like, take a package that isn’t urs and see what it is!.. keep it or maybe sell it… and thankfully I never have bcuz I tell myself… that’s dishonest and I wouldn’t want someone taking my packages. But the insanity of our disease is unreal! And it’s a slippery slope if we choose to act out in old ways… imo it’s only a matter of time before relapse occurs.
Thank you so much for your support! I really appreciate that I don’t know how I will feel tmrw but we will see. Going to start my day off right and check in often for sure anyway
Checking in 92 days no alcohol and while waiting for the train I got to tell 3 people “I don’t smoke” I officially accepted the house manager job today and was able to go to my friends graduation. I also of course went to the gym and finished putting up Christmas lights at church.
I got everything done today that I was wanting to do and there is nobody I need to apologize to for anything that I did today. I’m kinda liking this clear head the one problem I really want to change is my sleep schedule. I am up at 5 and asleep around 10:30. I feel like a grown up… forget that lol
I love you guys and want the best for you all
Never checked in today. Day 35, tired and slept most of the day. Typical, few good days, few bad days that’s life ain’t really shit we can do about it, just wait for the better days again ans quit expecting everyday to be good because that’s just not how life works. Take care see y’all tomorrow
Hey all! Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. I seem to be okay now. Tried to take a nap, which didn’t happen in spite of my tiredness, but at least the pain went away!
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Sugar is a hard one. But you seem to be handling it ODAAT 
proud for you!
i still dont think i deserve any good people in my life so this is good training for me, trying not to run away and hide.
congrats on your sober days BTW 
She is still in the hospital but she is a fighter. Thank you for your prayers 
I officially accepted the house manager job today and was able to go to my friends graduation. I also of course went to the gym and finished putting up Christmas lights at church.