Hang in there! I’m a chronic relapser, and I don’t know why I do this to myself. Is sobriety boring? Is it self-esteem issue? (In my case, a bit of both). But we’re both starting over at the same time, so it’s almost like family!
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Good morning friends! I survived day 3 yesterday. It was rough. Didn’t sleep well again but feeling a tiny bit better this morning. Only cried once so far this morning. Work provides a decent distraction. After work is the real struggle. I feel too alone sometimes. Outside of here, I don’t really have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this. I’m embarrassed and ashamed to not have control over my drinking. I have major issues with showing myself the same compassion I show others. Feel like I don’t deserve it. I’ve started dealing with this is therapy but have a long way to go. Here’s to day 4.
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You can do this 10 days away from 90. I believe in you!
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Day 27! Good Morning TS crew. Proud of us all. The strength in sharing lessons the pain and shame.
Learning restraint and thought challenging. My meditation practice is helping to let the thoughts …negative thoughts float away like clouds.
My boys are back for good on Saturday. Thankful.
Looking forward to picking up my 30 day key chain on Monday. Yesssss I’ve been carrying around the white one for years.
Ready now.
Have a great Thursday all…my favorite day of the week.
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Good morning all! On day 4 today, doing well. Still recovering ❤️🩹 and keeping it positive tho! I hope everyone has an amazing day and stay safe out there!!! To say weather has been crazy in the Midwest in the US is putting it mildly.
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keep up the good work! i’m right there with you!
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Same here, getting that 30 day chain tomorrow! Day 29 is here, i’m feeling happy and positive. Just so thankful to be here, i’m free.
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You shouldn’t be embarrassed most people in their lives have something that they’re not able to control. Some are just really good at hiding it, or don’t work up the courage to try and change it. You definitely deserve to give yourself the same compassion you give others.
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Day 458
Yesterday was rough.
Does anyone experience some times some kind of “blackouts” alike feeling after a period of battling mentally? I note that when I have a hard time fighting urges of drinking or/and feeling very anxious and/or depressed, afterwards I kind of feel like I’ve lost myself a little, like after a blackout. It hard to get back on my mental track, my narrative inside is kind of all over the place even if it’s calmer. It’s like being shaked and now it takes time to settle back. It’s like a reboot.
Or maybe I’ve always experienced this kind of reboot after struggle, but it got mixed up with drinking and now I feel like it’s the same as a blackout, but in reality it might be a reaction I have when I push myself too much until I fall depressed and anxious.
I thought about sharing this because I feel that when we advance in sobriety we do recognize more thinly the changes in our experience, but talking about it around people who aren’t addicts just feels redounding. But from within the experience every new discovery is still helping to figure out how we can learn to live again freely…
I wish everyone a good day 
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I’m glad you’re back at it and that the numbers are deleted. Just keep trying. Don’t give in or give up
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You are doing great! You DO deserve compassion, love and a better sober life! 
When you get lonely pop on here and engage people or get into a NA or AA zoom meeting. You don’t have to talk or turn on the video, just listen and you’ll know that you are not alone. 
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Day 63, had a proud moment the other night. Someone messaged me for a tattoo, but wanted it that night, no time to draw up the tattoo was rushing me, and I didn’t feel comfortable at all bc tattoos need a couple days to be drawn up, then the guy asked if he could rail lines if he did come over. So finally I said dude, we’re definitely not doing this tonight, no your not fucking railing lines here im sober and this is a business I’m trying to get going. I said if you want a tattoo your gonna have to wait for me to draw something up that were both proud of, and 2nd when you do get a tattoo you better come ready to just sit and get the tattoo, no peeing or nothing bc I won’t be having you sneek into my bathroom to do drugs. He apologized and said he still wanted the tattoo. I was proud tho bc the old me would of said yeah let’s do some lines… I did have another tattoo for a client yesterday, it was my first time on the back of the hand, it was extremely painful for him, and bc he was in so much pain I made some mistakes that lead me to rushing and not putting out some great work, I should of did it in two sessions and we’ll now lesson learned I geuss, I had more shading needed to be done and tried to finish the shading with color rather then gray wash and it resulted in some inconsistentcy in the tattoo, so next session is free I told him. He was still super happy with it. I’m doing ok otherwise, happy with myself and trying to keep being a better person and version of myself. Much love
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Hey all, checking in on day 550.
Have a great one everybody 
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I love this post Mike, it sounds like you’re making some amazing progress and I hope you get your business fully up and running soon. You 100% have the talent
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Good morning 
It’s a very blustery day for my day 73. The wind howling relentlessly is unnerving. The holidays are rattling me too. Last minute Christmas shoppers hit my business hard yesterday and it was very stressful. “Oh you sold out of that? Can’t you make more and ship it in time?”…~deep breath~ What the fuck people!?! ~ deeper breath ~ I wanted to drink bad but I didn’t. Not gonna drink today either.
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Congratulations. Amen to freedom. We deserve it. Enjoy getting your tag tomorrow.
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You should be VERY proud ! 
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Checking in on day 88…
Sounds like a lot of stress for many of us during the holiday season. Sending everyone good, sober vibes and strength while gathering with family and friends. I am using visualization for how I will handle events sober this year. I plan to be successful. This strategy helped me during a recent wedding, and I had the best time, sober.
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Checking in day 87
I have been in a bit of depression due to the 3 month anniversary of many things.
3 months since the seperation from the love of my life
3 months since our family was disbanded
3 months since she said she wish she never loved me
As well as other upcoming 3 month anniversaries
3 months since my attempted suicide
3 months since my last drink
3 months since my life getting destroyed
3 months since I decided enough was enough
The holidays are of course a continuous disappointment since half of our little family is missing and my daughter asks for my partner and her brother every day.
I have been a bit in the dumps and my sleep is definitely reflecting it. I wake up to do my therapy/out patient in the morning, then I nap until the kid wakes up, then we are awake for the latter half of the day and she’s not going to sleep til 2-3am then I’ll be up til 7am, trapped in my thoughts until I fall asleep for an hour then wake up and do it all over again.
I know it’s unhealthy for myself and not well for my daughter as well, it makes me feel like a failure as a parent but we’ve begun going to sleep earlier and waking up at a better time since.
It was seemingly a small funk but it was worrisome. It started one night when i drove to the gym and it was still before last call. I started having an anxiety attack on the way because I had a fear of stopping to get alcohol. I made it to the gym, did my work out and made serious note of the situation.
Ever since then I had to resume isolation and found myself binge eating to fight alcohol cravings.
I have since then made some more realizations(this getting to learn a new sense of self and recovery is a never ending learning process)
Recently I had come to accept that I was enough and deserving of the good that I give.
But I couldn’t help but feel like I feel stupid, stupid for continously being all in and devoted to someone who mistreated me and didn’t respect me, but no.
I am not stupid, what I am is brave.
Brave for standing by the side of someone fractured by mental illness and addiction.
Strong for being able to withstand all of the alcohol induced abuse and manic/suicidal episodes.
Devoted to my forever person, no matter what.
I wasn’t obligated to do anything, I chose to stay and not give up from the tremendous amount of love that I had for her.
I gave her everything, all of me and still continue to from afar, and this is a gesture that most partners never get from their loved ones/spouses to this degree for their entire lives even while living side by side.
Maybe barely even a fraction of this magnitude.
If she chooses not to resume this relationship, that will be her choice that I will respect.
That would be her loss.
I am not just enough.
I am more than enough.
I am a rare breed of heart that should be cherished, not disrespected or abused or pelted with a relentless onslaught of wild accusations.
You are not evil, this I know.
You may be flawed and possibly even broken, but that doesn’t mean you are undeserving of love.
My will is remarkable and vigorous for being able to continue loving you through all that I’ve been through in our relationship despite the ordeals.
And we are both blessed that my love is formidable enough to continue loving you unconditionally even despite you being gone.
You are my best friend, my hero, the love of my life and my biggest crush.
But…
I deserve more.
And I won’t settle for less.
I know my worth now & I have sobriety to thank for it.
I am an addict, i am human, I make mistakes.
I own all of my shortcomings.
I am also deserving of forgiveness.
I deserve to be respected.
I deserve to have my love reciprocated.
I fucking matter.
I now get to hold my head up high and move forward without feeling like a burden.
I am not a burden.
I am not trash.
I am a treasure.
I fucking love you more than ever.
All I want is for you to fucking love me back.
Is that too much to ask?
If she decides to not love me, its okay.
It’s okay because now I love me.
I love me and this strength that I’ve obtained from self love and all of these lessons and just everything.
I am grateful for absolutely everything.
My 90 days of being sober will also be 90 days since my attempted suicide.
That day, I will celebrate my Iife.
I am happy to be alive.
So close to 90 days
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