Back at work for the first time in a month. I thought I’d been fired. Strange, feels like I never left.
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I’m feeling such anger this afternoon. It’s not any one thing, but a lot of things that have been piling up. This isn’t normal for me, and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve talked to my husband, which led to crying, which led to sadness, which is now just a feeling of resignation. Some days I can’t even remember why I try. I’ve been on Prozac for the past 2-1/2 years, and I can’t say enough about how it’s helped me with anxiety and depression. But it doesn’t help with these random life issues that I’m having to live with nearly every day and have zero control over or support for. I’m sorry for venting. I don’t normally do that, but I can’t make this go away, and I can’t carry it around for days. I feel like I’m being crushed.
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Checking in again today, started out great and went downhill FAST, one of my kids has Covid, tested positive this morning, pretty healthy aside from a traumatic brain injury he sustained when hit by a car walking down the road, his cognitive function is seriously impaired so I can’t really quarantine him and he’s very symptomatic…… then my husbands twin found out they have cancer today and to see my husband cry hurts me so so deeply, I just want to fix it for him. The only silver lining is I haven’t broke down and used, and I want to, but I keep telling myself it won’t solve anything and tomorrow I hit double digits and I’m really trying guys but damn life sucks bad some days
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I’m wondering that too 
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Afternoon check in
Been SO busy today. It’s a good feeling but I am getting exhausted and I actually have some using thoughts. Nothing major but still. Decided to sit down and watch christmas baking shows and drink coffee for abit to unwind. Today I decided to declutter areas of the apartment. Every year we get a few new things for Christmas and I never have anywhere to put them lol so I’m getting rid of things now. Alot of stuff is practically new, so I went on a fb site where u can help others with free things/food etc. Have 2 families wanting these items so that’s good 
better than throwing it out if it’s in great condition. Tidied up abit and waiting for hubby to get home! Hope everyone is well 
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Lots of hard stuff there. Can only say alcohol or ur doc makes hard harder.
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Life really does suck sometimes. And sometimes it just beats you the hell down and dosent let you up so that you feel like your suffocating. Sorry you’re going through a bad time right now. But don’t use. Your family needs you clear headed and present so yous can get through it. Hope things get better soon. It can only beat you if you let it.
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I keep telling myself that but honestly what the actual f with today? 
I appreciate your words and encouragement so much because right now I need it
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Thank you so much for the encouragement, it means everything right now because I feel like I’m on a cliff to not feel this for one minute and i have been working so hard I couldn’t deal with the disappointment
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I am so sorry you are going through this and feeling the way you do. I can tell that from the posts I’ve read of yours that you are an amazing, beautiful, bright, talented person. I can’t give you advice right now, trying to keep myself afloat honestly and don’t even know what to tell myself, but I wanted to give you my observation and tell you that I care. 
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Just hang in there sometimes its better to be there on the edge then over the other side, your family needs you to be in your right mind. praying for your strength to get through this day
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Day 49 here! 
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@Newlife5 congrats on 30 days 
@Its_me_Stella thank you 
@Butterflymoonwoman thank you
@ShesGotMoxie I’m so sorry you are burdened with anger, glad you shared, I’m sending strength I’ve also often been told to try punching or screaming into a pillow.
@IamThechange I’m sorry one of your children has Covid 
sending healing vibes 
I hope the rest of your household will be okay too I’m so sorry about your husband’s twin receiving a cancer diagnosis, glad you’re staying sober to help support him through this.
498 days no alcohol.
59 days no nicotine.
Had to reset again a few hours ago. But I think, after a week of relapsing on and off, I have finally found my strength again, because tonight, I have been able to do something I’ve never been able to do before, I flushed cocaine from the card, note, and plate, and a whole unopened bag down the toilet. I never want to feel how I felt earlier this evening again. I’ve used 5 days out of the last 8. There’s still a chance now that I can celebrate a second sober Xmas and New Year.
Today I wrapped everyone’s presents, so glad I won’t have to do it last min in an anxious rush on Xmas Eve this year.
I have blood tests to confirm diabetes booked on Thursday, the doctor said we will pick the results up after Xmas, so I know I will be anxious waiting for those.
If my mum was alive it would be her birthday tomorrow, the 22nd. I have arranged to meet my brother at the cemetary to take flowers during daylight hours tomorrow, he’s going to try to get an hour out of work. I always find these kind of days really tough and I feel sad, but I’m going to stay strong.
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I’m so sorry Carolyn. You vent away as much as you need. We are here for you. Everyone needs support and a listening ear.
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Nala it is … btw 
I call her puppy still but she’s almost 40 months now and >35+ kg
Now quick back to bed
Bless
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I’ll bring you up to speed next days aight 
With love and paws 
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Day 35. After almost a year I guess, I’ve had a relapse a month or so ago. I first tried to mitigate the fact by calling it “just” a slip. Nevermind the nuances, it lasted for almost two days and it WAS a relapse.
What pushed me off the wagon was no “huge deal”. The outside reason, I mean, because, the bottom line is: I was the one who did the pushing.
Luckily, I had no problem getting back on track.
Did I learn anything? I guess so.
What distubed me most is that I didn’t reach for support here or call one of my friends and ask for help. The fact is that I relapsed hours before I had that first drink and let my mind trick me into thinking (not even that… because we know we can’t moderate or control our drinking) that perhaps it wouldn’t be such a big deal.
I still feel ashamed and disgusted. The feeling of disgust and shame was there, present even while I was drinking for those 30 hours or so (not continuously, of course, but you get the picture). And the only good thing is that not for a second did I think or feel like that was me (which was not the case while I was binge drinking regularly). There was no buzz, no false thrill… no nothing. Just an awful and useless experience.
But after that, for these past 35 days, I felt and feel like myself again. And like sobriety is something that… belongs to me. That suits me.
I guess that most of you great people here had a similar experience.
Keep going and I wish you a great sober day.
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Thank you so much @jonathanlee213. I’m a few hours later and been busy working around all the information of today. Still clean and still going to bed sober, I don’t what I would do without with community
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It’s super good to hear from you @CATMANCAM it’s been a day for sure but I made it and I am so grateful for it and I’m grateful to hear your flushed the rest of your stuff I’m sure it’s been a brutal week for you but there are brighter days ahead
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Day 4
Amazing at how quickly my mood changes. I have been doing ok mood wise for 4 days and now I’m in a crappy mood, stressing out of my mind. Pretty scared honestly as I found out a few hours ago from my team lead at work that the client (who I worked with last sat while her parents came to visit), her father did in fact come positive for covid after being tested in a clinic with a "real’ test. Of course once I found out I’m doing a rapid covid test again (which did come out negative again) but im worried bcuz I am around someone who is immunocompromised and has a respiratory condition and they would literally probably pass away from covid if they got it. So here I am worried out of mind, thinking I could possibly be asymptomatic and still be able to transmit this stupid disease to this other individual. I try talking to my hubby about it and he just is as unsupportive as can be 
So I’m in my head and worried and trying to pray and have faith that I am okay. I’m on Google searching for things and that helps abit to understand what to expect. But ya… im not feeling like using so thats a HUGE plus! And I am grateful for that! I just need a shower n sleep. End this day already lol and try to make tmrw better. Thanks for reading hugs
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