For sure man, thank you and glad to see you back out there killing your dreams. Much love
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- Had a busy day of running around. Car needed an oil change and needed to get supplies for the NYE karaoke kids party tomorrow. I brought 2 of the girls with me. Well I knew just sitting still in the car would make the 2 year old would get ansi so I gave her and the older one a chocolate milk. No sooner then pulling into the garage I hear something streaming and turned around and the 2 year old was literally pouring her chocolate milk all over the floor. I wanted to cry! Like why would she do that. So now I have to make an appointment to have the car detailed because milk in a car is a no go. Lol I laughed after the anger subsided a minute later. They for sure keep me on my toes.
I received a message from their Grandma asking if she can take them. I wish I could let her
. She is currently in active addiction. I did suggest she come here for a day and spend it with them that way. I cannot let her take them. Theyāre mine to protect and I am doing just that. Well weāre all pretty excited for tomorrow there will be a total of 8 kids 
now Iām wondering what was I thinking 
. Anything for the kids! I hope you all have a wonderful evening. 
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Checking in
Literally slept most of the day. I honestly think it was me getting that 3rd covid shot yesterday that has caused me to feel so tired. Hope this goes away by tmrw. Day has been okay I guess tho. Nothing to really complain about. Just wishing I had more energy. Waiting for hubby to get home and then we will have supper and relax 
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Thank you Traceyā¦way to go on your 87 daysā¦ piling up.,
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Congratulations on reaching 30ā¦and beyondā¦you got this!!!
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The first two covid shots didnāt affect me at all. The third one knocked me and my wife on our asses for like a day and a half. No idea why. Lol. Hope ya feel better soon
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Checking in, 419 days no alcohol, 1 day no nicotine. I feel stuck, because Iām unable to let others close to me, yet I crave the connection with them. I have just few people left in my life and I hurt them by being distant and cold. I donāt know how to open up. I also feel revealed and exposed, I have to speak about my most personal issues, things that I despised myself for, with so many people, doctors, teachers, relatives, sometimes even with strangers. Sometimes I feel that me just being present negates having a private life, because the subject can turn into my most sensitive issues anytime. (I donāt refer to any conversation here (in threads or in PMs), itās about situations IRL). I feel vulnerable and ashamed of myself. I donāt want to lose more people, I donāt want to hurt them, but I instinctively fear of being close to anyone and I donāt yet know how to solve this.
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Checking in feeling depressed today and lonely. Iām not sure how to shake it, trying my best to keep my chin up. Iām not sure why or how to help it. Going to cuddle with Rue. Iām so tired of being alone.
I do have this going for me. So I guess that means Iām doing something right
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New years eveā¦
Iām working till 8pm tonight , then tomorrow I start at 8amā¦ If I was still using, this would definetly not happen 
Happy new years eve ts FAM 
Enjoy your night, clean and soberā¦
See you all next year
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Hey you, yes you.What you up to? Have you had a good day bc we could have a little something, you know you deserve it. Bad day you say, people annoying you - bloody work again - itās OK Iām here now and we can have a little something to take the edge off. You deserve it after all youāve been through. What do you mean you donāt really want to!!!. I donāt care about what you want, Iām your addiction and Iām the one who makes the rules. Anyway youāve been good all week so just the 1 wonāt hurt you will it plus you might as well now all the people you loved have left you. Donāt worry about work tommorow you can call in sick again theyāll believe you as youāve only had a bad stomach 3 times this month. Thatās it itās just me and you just the way I like it. Donāt cry, have another one itāll do you good anyway you can stop whenever you want bc itās not as if youāve got a problem. Work let you go you say, thank god for that we can do what I want now but youāll probably have to steal it when the money runs out. Oh just throw the bills in the bin.
Itās cold out here, where we gonna sleep tonight? Have you begged enough money to buy some warmth tonight. You donāt look so good mate maybe you should go get yourself checked out tomorrow, try and eat if thereās enough money after youāve fed me.
Poor chap was never going to last long at that rate, no ones surprised. Whoās next?
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This is extremely powerful! Very sad and relates the truth of this diseaseā¦ Did u write this?
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Thanks Eric, happy New Years to you as well.
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yeah was just thinking out loud. How are you doing?
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I feel the same way. Lately I have been very open about it with the people am feeling closed off towards and that has helped. I have been very bold and gone so far as to say things like āI donāt trust you yet.ā and then magic has happened. I swear these people have become even more vulnerable with me after I have expressed where I was truly at. Maybe that has happened because that was me starting to crack open? I am not sure but it has helped me trust them more!!!
I really can understand this feeling of wanting to do something but feeling a barrier stopping you. My barrier is fear 100%.
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You have an amazing way with words! I can relate to thisā¦ thankfully this isnāt how I live anymore Iām well. Very sore n tired today tho. I think that covid shot got me good this time. The 1st two were nothing. This one thoā¦ ugh. As for recovery I still get urges. But I just observe them and then do something about it to get rid of it. Iām learning to enjoy silence and enjoy stillness and to enjoy the calmness in the evenings. I sometimes get bored with being bored and like to stir the damn pot (create chaos)ā¦ which means using. And I ALWAYS regret it. Every single time I regret using. So im learning to enjoy the change how r u?
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I hope you when you wake up tomorrow it will be a much brighter day! I know exactly what you mean, just not a great feeling day today, I can relate. I have spent a lot of time with my golden retriever today Thatās an amazing number and something to be damn proud of. Sending hugs your way 
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done my step 9 and met my 2 daughters and made amends to them for being a shit father and seeing them about 5 times in 20 years. Lots of tears but they told me they were proud of me and like the fact I now message them every morning and every evening. Addiction takes everything away from you but with work and time sobriety gives us the opportunity to try and start again. Weāll never get back what we lost so we have to make the most of now.
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Hi ami Iām sorry you are feeling down today too 
I am happy you have a fur baby you can love on. Tonight is the first night that I was actually romanticizing going out and drinking with my friends in a very long time. I know the feeling will pass and Iāll feel better.
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Itās good that you know that you donāt want that and it will pass, that is a fact. Maybe think about romancing some self care 
maybe a nice bath, or face mask, whatever you do to pamper yourself at home That is what I am trying, already in my most comfy PJs, and going to finish The Soul of an Octopus book. Thank you for your well wishes but my hope is to make you feel better
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Wow, you are very brave for doing that and Iām sure it meant more to your daughters than you will ever know Iām proud of you.
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