Hey Rob …nice numbers glad the exercise is helping. Wanted to chime in on that as Exercise is one ofy greatest tools for good mental health and mood boosting. Keep at it.,
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Day 14 . I don’t know why but I have a lot of cravings.
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Awesome Des thank you! In 2020 when I first got sober I discovered working out on the elliptical and would do it every day. It made me feel so much better! Getting back to that habit is priceless! Keep up the good work! 
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Checking in - day 2. I won’t drink today.
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Checking in
Day 7
Been a busy day. Woke up alittle irritable but rested. Grateful for my recovery. Husband is home from work today as it is too cold to be working outside. I’ll be honest… him being home during the day throws off my routine 
He actually doesn’t even know all the things I do everyday for my recovery. He knows about some things like my online meetings and meditating, but not all the things I do, my prayers morning and night, my little Bible readings on my app etc. We don’t necessarily have the greatest communication about deep stuff lol we talk and everything and enjoy each other’s company most times lol but I’ve tried to talk about deeper things and he is very straight forward and to the point. He doesn’t like talking about the past (which I can see why) or practically any sort of struggle past or present. For example, if I mention that something is triggering me or bothering me, he won’t just listen and give support. He sort of cuts it short, give his 2 cents, and ends the conversation. I can’t talk with him that way. Hes very old school, came from a biker background with his family, so he grew up very straight to the point. He is supportive but he has his ways of showing it. Anyway, I do what I need to do and it shows in my acting and behaving what recovery is doing for me 
he sees the change! Doing a little cleaning today. Maybe hit the gym. And keep on this beautiful journey of recovery!
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Just checking in … Day 1
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Checking in,
Day 5.
Decided yesterday, that since I’m giving up one vice, might as well bite the bullet and give up cigarettes as well! Just hit 24hrs!
I’ve been smoking since 17. My smoking ramped up to nearly a pack a day during these last couple months.
I’ve never gone this long without one and I’m proud of myself but keep feeling the physical urge to go outside and have one. Keeping strong and keeping busy
Have my handy, dandy vape with me at all times haha.
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Way to go Meme!
@Singtone congrats on your year 
@Keeponkeepingon sorry for your losses 
@Newlife5 feel better soon 
@Cherry_Kisses congrats on your week
@KarenKW congrats on your week
@Jasty2 congrats on 50 days
@Andrea4 welcome back 
happy birthday 
@ScareCrow22x welcome congrats on 633 days
@kat261 congrats on 5 months
@Complicatedmama prayers sent for your family’s health
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@Alyssaflory welcome congrats on 3 days
@Ravikamor congratulations!
@Butterflymoonwoman I’m so happy to see this, proud of you congrats on your week
@SC-ptsd congrats on your week good luck for your interview 
@Tomek sorry for the break-up news, sending strength as you navigate this
@Bomdhil congrats on 2 weeks sending strength
513 days no alcohol.
74 days no nicotine.
12 days no binge-eating.
5 days no cocaine.
I am still struggling to stay awake. Feeling a bit of vertigo and nausea too. Hoping things will settle soon.
I finally found out about the job application today, no surprises, I didn’t get it. It’s a good thing, I wouldn’t be able to cope, I know this.
Really fed up with the depression, but I won’t be making any more attempts to try to escape it. I do think that might be why I’m sleeping all day and night though, it’s much like before.
The cats had their grooming done yesterday, Prince keeps hissing at Wolfie every time they are in the same room and he won’t come into the kitchen to eat. All will be well in a few days but I hate it when things are unsettled between them.
I have my treatment on my feet again tomorrow, have almost given up hope of it working now, so it might be the last one. Will see what she says.
Welcome to all the new people and anyone that’s just reading for now.
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The universe is playing games with me this morning…
I rarely run into difficult situations. My health is good and I’m actively fit…
This morning after I got out of the shower, I started drying off and out of no where, a muscle in my left lower back pulled. I wasn’t even doing anything strenuous…I continued to dry off slowly, within 5 minutes I couldn’t move. The pain paralysed me.
I have an appointment that is very Important at 2.30pm. It’s 8.30am. I’m stuck on my bed and can’t move. I took some mild paracetamol. I can’t have anything stronger. I don’t have anything else anyway.
The appointment is for a new apartment. I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time. And now the universe puts me on my arse and leaves me unable to move. F$%k !!!
I pulled a muscle last year when I was skip rope jumping for exercise, I’m not sure if anyone remembers me talking about that. But I remember I was out for about two weeks. Two weeks I couldn’t move faster than a snail!!
I can’t help but think that maybe the universe did this to me this morning because I’m not meant to take this new apartment. Maybe it’s not my path. Maybe there is something else waiting for me?
Who knows.
All I know is that I also have to cancel my shift at work today. No great.
I’m not really a “meh” kinds person but “meh” !!!
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770 days without gaming
Almost 5 days without abusing technology
A week from now is payday. I’ll hopefully be able to buy a new phone without putting myself in an icky situation financially. I’ve worked quite a bit the past few weeks, so I’m pretty sure that it’ll work out. I’ll finally be able to put extrrnal restrictions on my phone. If I want to get through restrictions on my phone, I will. It will be a lot harder if I have to first grab my restrictions phone. I’ll shut it off unless I have a valid reason to lift restrictions. E.G. when I need to have access to an app or website for school or work. When I do notice I’m in a negative state of mind, I’ll immediately put my restrictions phone, the batteries from the TV remote and all AAA batteries in the house I know off in my focusbox. It has a timelock instead of a code.
Anyhoo, I did something fairly impulsive 
I was told by many people that there is a three month waiting time if you want to make your exam for your driving theory. And you need to have passed that exam before you can take the driving exam.
I’d been procrastinating signing myself up for that exam, but since I’m in “early recovery” I’m all pink cloudy and shit so I decided to shorten my to-do list.
When I arrived at the website yesterday, I discovered that there isn’t any waiting time (anymore). I could have signed up for this morning. Obviously that was way too fast for someone who hasn’t studied at all. But for some reason I decided that three days is long enough 
I have my exam in 2 days at 9:40 AM. In the last 34 hours I’ve spent 24 hours studying for the exam on my phone as I didn’t bring any of my physical theory books to my dad. And I’m still not sure if I’ll be able to remember it all in time for my exam. I hope I will be.
The spent time feels wrong. I don’t know if it’s technology abuse as there isn’t a single voice in my head telling me it is and I have very valid reasoning for it as having a driver’s license is really important to me and work also as it’ll allow me to get home from school quicker and quicker to work once I’ll have my regular school hours again.
So I’m not upset with myself, just tired of looking at my screen all day(after 4 days I’m not even used to it anymore, progresss). I’m confused, but I’m siding with not abuse. I think it’s best comparable with drinking na beer/wine. It’s a stupid gray area.
Aside from that my stay at my dad’s place was okay. Not great. I intentionally let it slip very early on that I don’t watch TV anymore. Which he respected for over 24 hours. But eventually I had a massive headache from looking at my screen all day so he suggested I take a nap on his couch and at the mean time he’ll watch a movie he’d been wanting to watch. A new Leonardo DiCaprio/Jennifer Lawrence movie. And as I am a very strong person who stands up for himself and is very clear with boundaries and… who has daddy issues, I put my headphones on blast and accepted I’d be sitting next to a turned on TV with a movie with 2 very skilled actors which I’m kinda excited for 
I looked at the screen a few times after loud noises but never longer than 5 seconds. Eventually he turned it off as he fell asleep.
Later he decided to continue watching even though I was awake. So I once again put my headphones on blast and studied on my phone the entire time. Once he noticed I was struggling with it, he did turn it off though.
He’s just dumb, he didn’t test me on purpose. He believes someday I’ll be able to game normally
This was a massive win though as I didn’t watch the movie eventhough my dad has a massive TV and great sound system. Once again it turns out I’m taking shit serious this time
Too lazy, didn’t read: I’m impulsive and my addiction is hella confusing
@butterflymoonwoman I am fucking proud of you, great job on reaching a full week 
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Checking in
Day 7
Today is much better than yesterday. Did some decluttering of old clothes to keep me busy. Came across a few items of clothes that triggered me tho. I have a pretty big dresser and the bottom drawer literally has been ignored since I moved provinces. It has clothes from about 8 years ago! I obviously do not fit them. They are too small but I kept them I guess for “motivation” to help me lose weight. Haven’t gone thru it for a long time as I’ve unfortunately been so preoccupied with using and other things. I found some expensive workout outfits that I won’t get rid of (yet) and some nice tops, but then I came across some of my heels and “working” outfits. Oh boy. My heart stopped and I swore I stopped breathing lol I completely forgot I had them. This was one of my “let’s hang onto these in case” scenarios. When I moved 1400 km from Winnipeg, Manitoba to Calgary, Alberta in 2014, I left with some money but not a whole lot. I was applying for jobs constantly and near the end of the month I barely had like $200 left and rent was due for the 1st. I started to panic and was actually in the process of “setting things up” out here which would’ve been a complete disaster! One of the reasons I actually left Winnipeg was to get away from that. My clothes came with me tho bcuz I had reservations and I thought I needed a back up plan (even though many other people in that circumstance would’ve found a legal way to obtain money, but my mind doesn’t work like that). My Higher Power was watching out for me when I met my partner online. I met up with him in person, he gave me a tattoo, and gave me the offer to move in with him. He literally called his friend up, his friend came by with a truck, packed up my stuff, and got me moved into his place. And we have been together for 7 years now Anyway… I took those clothes (I kept the heels cuz I like them… I love the look of heels tho), and I threw them in a bag and tossed them out. It was so freeing but I have to admit it was anxiety causing. Idk when I’m going to be able to work thru that part of my life. Or if I even need to. Not sure. Recovery comes 1st obviously. I can’t heal if I’m high. Going to make supper and relax Heading into Day 8 tonight! 
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Hang on. Cravings are just trying to pull u back. It takes time to rewire ur brain, those neurons are just getting started, give them more time!
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I also don’t like my husband around when I am doing recovery things, and he also wants to leave the past alone. He also doesn’t discuss my feelings, he just says “that can’t be helped” and communication ends.
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Wow! U are always impressing me Jan. I know I keep saying it but ur self awareness blows me away. Great job sticking to your recovery at ur Dads. That must’ve not been easy. I’m glad he did respect u or noticed that u were changing ur ways and turn off the TV. I hope u do well on ur exam! That would be so exciting for u! I’m sending positive thoughts ur way also… thank u so much for the congratulations on my 1 week. I appreciate that so much
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It’s frustrating sometimes… cuz I want to be able to open up and share and express feelings. My hubby doesn’t talk much about emotions at all… in fact… just like 2 min ago I asked him to come sit by me and I told him I loved him and how much I appreciate him and I started tearing up. And he said, “I love you too hun but did u take ur meds today?” Lol. And I could tell he felt abit uncomfortable cuz he couldnt really be fully there, u know what I mean? He sort of pretended to be distracted with something else. Emotions or being vulnerable is not in his nature. I used to be so offended by that remark tho… but now I kind of laugh lol cuz he is the way he is and I have no control over him. Obviously if he crossed a boundary I would say something but a comment like that doesn’t hurt me lol
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Checking in at the end of day 367.
Have a great sober day, wherever you are.
Goodnight. 
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Checking in day 107
Haven’t checked in in a while, haven’t really been wanting to journal or write or vlog but I’ve been alive(obviously) and well.
The new year was okay, I spent it at home with just my daughter and 2 my life long buddies.
Played some poker and some video games, they had some edibles and they surprisingly didn’t drink.
One of them was my drinking buddy long before I met my partner, and when I would secretly drink, i usually was gaming, he would keep me company by drinking and playing online with me as well.
He is supportive yet he still finds it odd that im not taking any kind of mind altering substance.
My other friend is completely supportive, they are more than happy that I’m entirely sober.
So the new years was overall okay. I felt apathetic yet again towards my accomplishments, this one being achieving my first new year sober.
(New years day is my partner’s birthday, so she couldn’t just help herself no matter how good of a sober streak we would be on.)
During this time before and afterwards, was a bit stressful.
Almost like the world was trying to force me to fail.
I take everything head on and when I fall or fail, I keep going.
I decide one of the days before eve that I want to leave my partner flowers but I dont want to overwhelm her or burden her on her birthday so I decided on the first of January after I put my child to bed that I’d make the 6 hour trek to leave her an arrangement of flowers and a little plushy(it was the cutest little aviator piggy, I’m sad that I didn’t take pictures of it)
During the days the lead up to the decision, I was once again reminded how I am still so deeply in love with this woman and I still don’t want anyone else.
There has been alot of remorse, regret and sometimes resentment. But as of now, all is forgiven. All of her mistakes and pain inflicted. This is not very new but what was new was the forgiveness of myself.
I’m usually very hard on myself but I have managed to forgive me, which feels great.
It means I’m done saying that I’m sorry.
Just because I have regrets doesn’t mean that I have to be a sorry ass in the present. Anything that was done was done by someone who wasn’t me. I can’t keep hating myself over that, I needed to forgive myself to properly move forward in growth and self love.
And that forgiveness is bliss, I feel so much lighter.
I feel ready for anything, like I could best any foe, outrun any disaster.
I feel otherworldly, and I have my sobriety and healthy choices that I’ve been making to thank for that.
My daughter is happier than ever despite always asking for her brother and my partner.
My partner hasn’t said anything in months. I’m almost getting used to being devoted to a ghost.
I don’t know if she hates me or if she’s moved on, but if she has moved on, I hope she’s happy and i also hope that they treat each other properly.
And it feels good to say that I no longer NEED her, I just WANT her. God, that feels so good.
My self esteem is higher than it’s been in ages, I feel like a bad bitch yet im content with being alone.
I feel good about being able to let the past remain where it belongs, in the past.
Even if that does include my mistakes and shortcomings, forgiven but never forgotten.
I own up to it all and I forgive myself.
That was all yesterday, this is today.
I am done with my yesterdays,
I want my now, so I may feast on tomorrow,
I am going to devour this life.
I will not allow it to consume me first.
I hope everyone had a good holiday.
It’s a new year, new chances for opportunities.
If you relapsed during the holiday, don’t beat yourself up. We’re only human, we make mistakes.
The important thing is that you continue to try.
It’s that “giving up” thing that would be the real shame.
May the stars bless us all 
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- Have a good one
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