I also don’t like my husband around when I am doing recovery things, and he also wants to leave the past alone. He also doesn’t discuss my feelings, he just says “that can’t be helped” and communication ends.
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Wow! U are always impressing me Jan. I know I keep saying it but ur self awareness blows me away. Great job sticking to your recovery at ur Dads. That must’ve not been easy. I’m glad he did respect u or noticed that u were changing ur ways and turn off the TV. I hope u do well on ur exam! That would be so exciting for u! I’m sending positive thoughts ur way 
also… thank u so much for the congratulations on my 1 week. I appreciate that so much
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It’s frustrating sometimes… cuz I want to be able to open up and share and express feelings. My hubby doesn’t talk much about emotions at all… in fact… just like 2 min ago I asked him to come sit by me and I told him I loved him and how much I appreciate him and I started tearing up. And he said, “I love you too hun but did u take ur meds today?” Lol. And I could tell he felt abit uncomfortable cuz he couldnt really be fully there, u know what I mean? He sort of pretended to be distracted with something else. Emotions or being vulnerable is not in his nature. I used to be so offended by that remark tho… but now I kind of laugh lol cuz he is the way he is and I have no control over him. Obviously if he crossed a boundary I would say something but a comment like that doesn’t hurt me lol
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Checking in at the end of day 367.
Have a great sober day, wherever you are.
Goodnight. 
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Checking in day 107
Haven’t checked in in a while, haven’t really been wanting to journal or write or vlog but I’ve been alive(obviously) and well.
The new year was okay, I spent it at home with just my daughter and 2 my life long buddies.
Played some poker and some video games, they had some edibles and they surprisingly didn’t drink.
One of them was my drinking buddy long before I met my partner, and when I would secretly drink, i usually was gaming, he would keep me company by drinking and playing online with me as well.
He is supportive yet he still finds it odd that im not taking any kind of mind altering substance.
My other friend is completely supportive, they are more than happy that I’m entirely sober.
So the new years was overall okay. I felt apathetic yet again towards my accomplishments, this one being achieving my first new year sober.
(New years day is my partner’s birthday, so she couldn’t just help herself no matter how good of a sober streak we would be on.)
During this time before and afterwards, was a bit stressful.
Almost like the world was trying to force me to fail.
I take everything head on and when I fall or fail, I keep going.
I decide one of the days before eve that I want to leave my partner flowers but I dont want to overwhelm her or burden her on her birthday so I decided on the first of January after I put my child to bed that I’d make the 6 hour trek to leave her an arrangement of flowers and a little plushy(it was the cutest little aviator piggy, I’m sad that I didn’t take pictures of it)
During the days the lead up to the decision, I was once again reminded how I am still so deeply in love with this woman and I still don’t want anyone else.
There has been alot of remorse, regret and sometimes resentment. But as of now, all is forgiven. All of her mistakes and pain inflicted. This is not very new but what was new was the forgiveness of myself.
I’m usually very hard on myself but I have managed to forgive me, which feels great.
It means I’m done saying that I’m sorry.
Just because I have regrets doesn’t mean that I have to be a sorry ass in the present. Anything that was done was done by someone who wasn’t me. I can’t keep hating myself over that, I needed to forgive myself to properly move forward in growth and self love.
And that forgiveness is bliss, I feel so much lighter.
I feel ready for anything, like I could best any foe, outrun any disaster.
I feel otherworldly, and I have my sobriety and healthy choices that I’ve been making to thank for that.
My daughter is happier than ever despite always asking for her brother and my partner.
My partner hasn’t said anything in months. I’m almost getting used to being devoted to a ghost.
I don’t know if she hates me or if she’s moved on, but if she has moved on, I hope she’s happy and i also hope that they treat each other properly.
And it feels good to say that I no longer NEED her, I just WANT her. God, that feels so good.
My self esteem is higher than it’s been in ages, I feel like a bad bitch yet im content with being alone.
I feel good about being able to let the past remain where it belongs, in the past.
Even if that does include my mistakes and shortcomings, forgiven but never forgotten.
I own up to it all and I forgive myself.
That was all yesterday, this is today.
I am done with my yesterdays,
I want my now, so I may feast on tomorrow,
I am going to devour this life.
I will not allow it to consume me first.
I hope everyone had a good holiday.
It’s a new year, new chances for opportunities.
If you relapsed during the holiday, don’t beat yourself up. We’re only human, we make mistakes.
The important thing is that you continue to try.
It’s that “giving up” thing that would be the real shame.
May the stars bless us all 
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- Have a good one
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Well done mate
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This is beautiful! Thank u for sharing 
there is such an overwhelming sense of peace and serenity and gratitude in ur post. It makes me smile I’m glad ur here and posting
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I wouldn’t worry about it being technology abuse if your using it for something that’s productive and gonna be beneficial to you. Good luck on your driver exam.
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Sorry to hear this April. Those back pain episodes can really knock you down. Have you got ice? Get some ice on it asap. I know I’m a little late. But get it iced. Got to fight that inflammation. Ice and Advil. I so sorry your laid up. That’s the worst.
Sending you healing prayers.
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Checking in day 45. I had the most amazing experience today. Ive been following a Medium on FB for a couple years now and today when watching her live feed she called me out. Said i had a male father figure coming through for me and walking with me on my new journey that she sees success in my journey. Well i cant even type this without the tears flowing again. ive had a specal family in my life since 6yrs old. My mom was a single mom with MS. this family started out as my day home at 6yrs old and when my mom went into a nursing home and i into foster care at 13 after watching me be bounced around in the system for awhile, they stepped up and became my foster parents. My addiction began close to that time. I learned to drink in my 1st group home.i became a bit much for them at that time and i was back into a group home. I moved into my own place at 15. This family has been my rock through life. My Dad in this family died from his liver about 10 years ago. He was an alcoholic. Last thing he said to me was if i could go back and stop i would. This is a huge part of why i am fighting this deamon so hard now. Anyway aming other things she said a male father figure had steped up and hes proud and walking through this with me. i just know it was him and am still in awe of the experience! How blessed am i today!!! I got this!!
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I am so proud of you Jan… this is amazing!!!
You’ve come so far these past few years.
You won’t know your self when you start driving.
You will pass with flying colours 
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Omg how amazing is this!!! What an experience 
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Thanks April, I really appreciate that 
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It gets better. Day 5 was my worst, but after that everything began to balance out. Hang in there! You can do this. 
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So I took your advice and put ice on it. It has worked wonders!
But how is this for the universe play games with me. As soon as I was able to be mobile and walk, I get email saying that my appointment has been cancelled. Go figure!
So it’s a good thing I can now stay home and Ice my back.
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yes that pretty much sums it up 
better to feel shit momentarily in early recovery than feel like shit in a lifetime of active addiction. You feeling shit means your doing something right. Well done I’m proud of you 
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Back for another attempt
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Checking in
Day 7
Had a huge scare… first time in 1 week that I thought about letting my emotions do the talking and convince me of using. Holy shit. Something came up that totally threw things off. And I started to panic and then my thoughts went to using so that I could stop feeling frustrated and pissed off and upset and agitated. Then I thought, okay Dana, chill out and slow down… how can I fix this situation and work through it. I told myself… Acceptance is key, Surrender it all, and Let go and let God. Been saying these alot lately. I find they help. Spoke to my husband and he threw out some ideas. I made a shit load of phone calls and sent emails to try and reach the right person who can help and do something. And then… It all worked out. Used communication and calm thinking and I slowed my mind down just enough to make things happen. And now everything is okay. And I didn’t jump the gun and say fuck it and use and mess everything up!!! Im normally sooo impulsive. And I actually didn’t react this time. I feel like I responded instead. Omg I feel relief now. But my god, that thought of using scared the shit out of me.
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