Checking in today:
Day 50 of my sobriety! For some reason I feel so proud reaching the halfway mark to the big hundreds. Though I know its not an official badge I feel like it should be, not 50 though but hundred. Anyways halfway there now
Iām still postponing my nicotine sobriety though. I just started working fulltime in a new position and the stress it causes makes quitting even more difficult. I will quit, but not now.
Btw: Iām starting to harvest the fruits of my labors now. Better sleep and fewer mood swings. Things are finely starting to look real good
I can relate to this. You arenāt āsoftā for not being who you were when you used to get into physical altercations on the street, maybe carry a knife with you like I did and pull it out before it got pulled out on youā¦ now we donāt live that way and when we are in those types of situations they somewhat baffle us. You are STRONGER for maintaining your SOBER composure and not going back to old habits that helped you survive when you needed them, but are not useful now because you are a different woman. I hope this helps
Checking back in. I am in a far more stabilized mood. I am still fragile and sitting in on a TLC meeting. I definitely forgot my breathing today. Box-breathing is everything. If you donāt know what it is, Google it and give it a try. It is very grounding.
It has been mine for the past 5 years. It has been my safe space.
Only since Iāve gotten clean have I begun to feel out of place here. Before that, I was one of those people.
This home has served its purpose. Its been my sanctuary for the reason it needed to be. Now it no longer serves its purpose.
Seeing psychosis episodes like that only makes me thank God that when I had my own meth psychosis episodes, I did not do anything violent or dangerous.
Iāve seen situations like this morning happen hundreds of times in the past ten years, in all different ways and forms. And it was all just another day.
This morning I really truly did appreciate my gratitude for my sobriety more than ever, because it made me realise how far Iāve come.
Right now, my safe space sanctuary is actually my mind. Iām finally safe there and thatās what is most important. I came out of this past decade on the good side and safe with a sense of calm sanctuary. And that Iām grateful for
Checking in Day 11
Iām exhausted and I feel done with this day. I got home from work, my parents and brother came in to visit for abit. Hubby was already feeling stressed as was I. And the visit was abit stressful. We are both hungry. HALT is in full force right now (except for L). My family left. My hubby gave me his bank card so I could go pick up pizza. He ājokinglyā said, take out $$ from the atm too. And I said āwhat?ā. And he replied, āI was just jokingā. But I knew he wasnāt. And I know heās stressed. He doesnāt know that I was craving to use today. I didnāt want to tell him that bcuz that would maybe give him a reason to try and say something about that, which would in turn convince my addict brain. I leftā¦ im sitting in the pizza place now. Not going to atm. Going straight from point A to point B. Im tired. I want to use. And Iām not going to. And I wanna just bawl in the pizza place bcuz Iām praying to God to give me the strength to stay clean. And its working. And I think of all the people important to me, including u all on TS and myself. And I dont want to use. Im going home. We will eat. And I will get thru tonight. And by 11pm ill have 12 days. Sorry for the blunt wording, but seriously F U addiction. Iām sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Iām glad you checked back in and are doing better, amiga. I was just catching up on this thread and Iām glad you came here to share. Those hard moments/days/etc stuck in the hopelessness can feel so derailing and defeating. Glad youāve got your breathing going and a meeting to bolster you. Remember youāre loved. Love canāt fix it but it can soften the jagged edges.
This will change. It just takes time. You know this.
I went from day one to now nearly 230 days. Only because everyday I wanted to get on, I pushed through, no matter how hard it was, I pushed through the cravings and Iāve somehow made it this far.
I embarrassingly cried in front of the sweet older woman who took my pizza order She was chatting with me while I waited for my pizza and she was soo sweet. It did help to take my mind off of using. And then when she handed me the pizza, I thanked her for the talk. I told her today had been stressful and our conversation helped me. I told her she was a very sweet woman. And then I broke down (to a complete stranger lol). I started cryingā¦ not full out bawling but it was noticeable for sure. Anyway, I walked home. Didnāt stop at atm. I gave hubby his card back. I ate. Hubby is super stressed. He noticed no money had been taken out and he ate and is now having a smoke. Iām relaxing. I feel better for sure. Craving has passed thank u all so much for having my back
I definitly have been playing the tape. Everything I tell myself and everything I read on here is what is going thru my mind. Using never makes this better. It makes it worse. And I played the tape to how Iād feel the next day. And how disappointed Iād feel in myself. And I see the consequences of what could happen if I use. I could die! I mean realistically, who knows! And I thought about God and I played over the sayings that I say, speaking them out loud as I walked to the pizza place. I mean who cares if people think Iām crazy, I used to talk to myself all the time on methā¦ at least Iām talking out loud for a purpose now haha. I feel like Iām going insane! But my insane moment come and go now lol
Checking in on day 41 I havenāt been on daily but Iām not going to make that a habit, work has just been busy and Iāve been exhausted. I do however attend the online zoom meetings i found a NA one thatās 24/7 that I enjoyā¦. If anyone knows of anymore Iād love to know about them and attend ā¦ i think itās time to find a sponsor and do some real work! Hope everyone is staying healthy and safe
She was chatting with me while I waited for my pizza and she was soo sweet. It did help to take my mind off of using. And then when she handed me the pizza, I thanked her for the talk. I told her today had been stressful and our conversation helped me. I told her she was a very sweet woman. And then I broke down (to a complete stranger lol). I started cryingā¦ not full out bawling but it was noticeable for sure. Anyway, I walked home. Didnāt stop at atm. I gave hubby his card back. I ate. Hubby is super stressed. He noticed no money had been taken out and he ate and is now having a smoke. Iām relaxing. I feel better for sure. Craving has passed 
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