You can do it. One minute one second at a time !! 
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You’ll get through it, just keep reminding yourself that it’s only your brain trying to trick yourself.
You’ll feel great when you wake up on day 38 without a hangover 
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@Butterflymoonwoman Yeess! Keep your boundaries! Be firm! It must be inimaginably hard with a partner who still uses. Proud of you!
@paper_boats Nice to see u checking in, but don’t feel bad if u don’t, it is for you. I am glad u are getting therapy. The absence of a partner can take a long time to get used to. ‘Get used to’ is the only way I can think to put it, but it sounds a bit crass, I mean still hurt but in a less pointed way.
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Thank you! 
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I think this makes sense, actually.
I’m a much better person than I was in the past and my improvements have me striving for more. I want to continuously do better and better and although this is who I ultimately desire to be, I fear I am out of alignment.
I wish that I could take antidepressants but my doctors wont prescribe me anything with the potential to be used in self harm. Besides, I think I’ve been fairing okay to have gotten this far and not be plagued with suicidal suggestions or thoughts. I have gained alot of self love, respect and acceptance in my sobriety and growth. But then again, i think im fairing alright when im daily running myself into the ground at the gym just to breathe comfortably 
I do love the idea of this questioning oneself. Im going to write this down and utilize it.
Thank you so much!
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The review was very cute. I still can’t get over her talking about how good they taste. 
I’ll post the link to the thread so it will be easier for people to find if they want to see what you posted. 
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You know, even although i do feel like enough, more than that, I want to be more.
I can say that I am comfortable with myself, to an extent. Again, I want to be more. I want more out of life.
I crave routine and structure, its something that I feel i need to meet alot of personal goals.
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Checking in
Day 3
Still at hospital. Its been hard today. I’m tired and still somewhat sick myself. But I’m doing everything I can to be there for my loved one. Hubby is stopping by shortly to have supper and visit. I am focusing on me and also on staying firm yet kind to what’s happened. It’s not going to do any good for me to both at him and nag. God only knows that I hated when people did that to me. But I still need to be open with him about how I feel. Anyway, I’m going strong. He did miss work today also. So hopefully that doesn’t bite him in the ass. Can’t wait to have a shower here and try n get better sleep.
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That is the important thing! To know that even when you are struggling is a sign of real clarity. Like you say there will always be struggle - well, hopefully not always! - but there will always be ups and downs. Knowing that you can get through them can be half the battle.
Re enough… I don’t really know but I think a lot of my struggles with mental health, and drinking before that, came from a fear of feeling worthless. I built that up with external things. So for me, breaking free of the need to ‘achieve’, to be somehow in a different place to where I am, has been a big part of my journey. Basically my goal is to have no goals 
Not quite, ha, but definitely taking the pressure off is important for me.
We are all different of course. Finding the things that work for us as individuals can be so hard, but ultimately that’s where the rewards are 
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Checking in 26 days sober !
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I am so sorry to hear you are struggling so much. We accept you here, but eventually it is you who has to accept yourself. We care. So happy you didn’t drink, very proud. Sending you hugs 
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It took a while to come to this realization. It took plenty of sober nights alone holding my daughter while i contemplated suicide to finally open my eyes. I have literally been in the worst time of my entire life and having lived what I have lived through has shown me my own strength and determination to make it out of the other side alive. Not just for my daughter but for myself, too. Before, all I wanted to do in life is give up.
Now, all I want to do is make it. I am going to fucking make it.
I’m not 100% sure of where my depression and alcoholism stems from but I’m sure alot has to do with self hatred, lack of self worth and fear of success. (To name a few)
Actually, I think what you said makes sense. I would love to be in a part of life where i achieved all of my major goals and all i had to do was live and enjoy life to its fullest. I like the thought of that!
And yes, we are all certainly different as individuals. All complicated in our own ways
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6 7/8 M AF Hi sober family, Owen here checking in sober and nicotine free.
A little under the weather after the booster shot yesterday, yet still managed the gym with the tender arm. Happy to have purchased more small journal books/day timers and a gel pen that attaches to the book. It will fit in my back pocket everywhere I go!! 
I’m going to embrace another meditation now and I’ll look for the compassion towards self csre!
Just this present moment together 
🧘♂:raised_hands:
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I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are enduring Ami. You know that using will make the situation worse not better. I’m happy you chose to check in here to get support instead. Kudos for making that wise choice. You can endure this and it will get better. It won’t be the same with him but it will get better again.
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Hey @paper_boats how has you day been today and how are you feeling…? 
I’ve been reading a few of your recent posts and just want to let you know first off, your not alone! And I promise you you’ve got this if you care and try enough buddy! Give yourself a chance with time and becoming more open to trying new things (however small) I know exactly where you’re coming from when you mention overwhelming depression, feeling a need for routine and so much more… There’s so much for the mind to go into overdrive with when pessimism overwhelms neutrality or even positivity. I was in the deepest pit again less than 2 weeks ago, self-sabotage was eating me from within and I realized a few things: I hated, judged, blamed and felt guilty over myself so deeply for the past, future and mere thoughts - none of which actually even exist! It’s literally just the brain being miswired somewhere to create problems because it doesn’t know any better… I’m currently seeing a psychologist once a week where I try to be an open book because that’s what it’s for if I really want to change - which I do, and made myself a personal vow to stick to sobriety and putting in a conscious effort every day at least for the next week (ending tomorrow)… And it seems to have really helped so far, maybe just in alleviating the pressure of the endless unknown? It’s not that I plan to stop after the week, just so I have a short term goal I can convince myself to stick to without feeling too overwhelmed - one of the things helping is paying much more attention to the moment, like if I’m wasting my time now or feeling anxious or neglecting something, I correct it as I’m thinking it, in whatever small a way even - just for that week after all… And I know I can… Also I’ve become less positivity-seeking and a bit more matter-of-fact since my last low somehow, I know that life isn’t easy. But it’s rarely about what’s easy or comfy, but what’s better in the end! And if I don’t really commit to finding and helping myself out, to rewiring what I’m aware is miswired somewhere, to taking some of the little but initially scary opportunities I may need if I want to grow at least to my greatest potential from here on - irrespective of anything else, then nothing and nobody honestly ever will or even can… That responsibility might initially feel heavy, but once you realize that it doesn’t need to be, that people have grown and shone out of much darker and disadvantaged places, that if I’ve been failing all this time and feel like I have nothing to lose otherwise, going forwards is the only path not treaded enough yet and left open anyway… Not being affraid of things as much - if you have social anxiety for example, starting with greetings, gradually followed by superficial small talk about something short like the weather, a question, some news or activity that day, and before you know it, if you carry on putting yourself out there (because we’re all just human, and shyness doesn’t matter! ) you’re able to open up and getting comfortable with the new exposure. Other things might include hygiene, your diet, a healthy sleep… All of these things can change with the right approach, which might be writing down notes, at least looking into or just getting started with something important is often all that’s needed to set you in motion… Especially if you’ve set smaller time goals - hence why “one day at a time” is so bloody important (we have no idea)!! But you can do this, try to meditate too, and stick to the 3 basics: sleep, diet & hygiene because they are the building blocks of a healthy mind and body… Accompany that with mindfulness, meditating (maybe guided via audio or video), notes, even just initiating important things, trying to have all electronic devices off after a certain time (keeping that shortterm vow in mind - more an “alright I did say until then I’d be conscious of bla, and even if I really feel bla now (which only takes exposure to rewire) I’ll gradually actually kinda try to follow through”). And you know you can do it! And that once becomes twice and three times etc… Look up neurological wiring (Better Ideas on youtube is a good start), but looking up your struggles, problems, pains is exactly what you want to do to understand yourself and find a way to move forwards whatever you do because we only have one life… There’s no expectation of you, no judgement that matters when it comes down to it, no purpose maybe even - just your insight, strength, courage, responsibility and commitment in the moment RIGHT now to what you actually even want out of your life? Yesterday, tomorrow and your thoughts don’t exist and are mostly irrelevant in the big picture my friend. Don’t hate a you that doesn’t exist except in your mind…!? You’re free, unique, special, gifted and above all very much able to do what you might fear most. So try to slowly but surely expose yourself, there’s no way around it, how much do you love yourself? How sick are you of failure or current circumstances? What would you prefer and how can you realistically work toward that step by step, day by day until one day you barely realize how far some of these small steps could actually bring you… Sorry if I’ve taken anything out of proportion/context or anything, but I guess this might help anybody reading it right now, to try to love and invest in yourself (and every little counts, especially initially until you get used to the new path!) if you feel down because your life is worth every bit once you let go of your barriers and dive into more and more unknown to progress… All the best brothers and sisters, and a hug to you @paper_boats if you need it ey! 
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Emotion especially anger is a big trigger for me. Fresh air walk is helpful. Cup of tea, hot bath, Upbeat happy music and essential oils like cinnamon, tangerine, lavender or ylangylang
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Day 295 of no self harm
Made it through yesterday without a relapse. Had therapy today and my therapist gave me a pretty good assignment that I want to share as I think it might help some of you
If you’re ever hating yourself (particularly your body) try thinking of what you’r body is capable of rather than how it looks. I have chronic illness, but I still understand that my body can function. Even if some activities hurt I can still do them. Thank your body for simple things if you have to. Thank your body for breathing if you have to. It was an interesting change of perspective that I’m definitely going to work on
Hopefully this helps the process of anorexia recovery for me as well.
Another positive thing I wanted to share. A mom in a local Facebook group posted that her daughter was sick today, but it was the day of her school Valentine’s party. She’s 6 and autistic so she couldn’t understand why she wasn’t going. 56 people ended up dropping off Valentine’s candy and gifts at her house, myself included. Her mom sent me a video of her daughter opening my gift and it just made me so happy. That girl was excited beyond belief. It was really nice to see such a happy child. Happy children are rare in my family.
Nothing eventful today. Barely slept the last few nights but luckily I’m tired enough that i have a feeling I’ll fall asleep as soon as I lay down tonight.
Sorry for long post. Last thing, just want to thank you all for your support and advice on the thread I made. It really helped me get through yesterday. Thank you all for being such amazing people
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Hello lovely friends, I hope your week is winding down well. Checking in on a snowy evening 244 af.
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